Unicorns, Big Foot, and the WAS...

[25yearsmlc]

Artsy,

I'm surprised you don't think your story or experience is mirrored by many here, b/c it really is. Read other threads and see about the "Confused WAHs" all around.
Besides, sometimes our claims that "no one understands MY situation" is an excuse to avoid working on ourselves b/c frankly, we don't want to take other peoples advice if it means only looking in the mirror for the person to change, b/c around here most of the vets and all of the reconciled couples, (yes, I think ALL) have worked on themselves and stayed out of their spouse's sandbox.

We cannot change them.

That^^ little 4 word sentence is something people SAY - but do not really believe, until/unless they get healthy.

In any event, rather than saying "NO" to his invite, or even a polite one, dig deep about why you would not want to be around him. I DO know there are legit reasons, but just want you to consistently examine your motives when you do say "no".

When my h asked me and our d's to join him on a med conference in Palm Springs ...I thought he was SO insensitive...

Here's what I got out of that experience, and maybe you can see at least some overlapping issues here...


8 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska, there was a 4 day conference in Palm Springs. He asked me and our 2 d's to go with him. (Son was in college by this time). I thought "oh, no way! I don't think so!"

I balked. I mean, why fake "happy family" when the axe was going to fall soon?
Besides, I could not imagine going, mostly b/c it looked as if I'd be rewarding him, or pretending, or letting him be in denial, ETC. BUT I had a DB coaching sessions, and

My DB coach said something very different, and very wise. She said:

1) If this is your last vacation together, why not make it a good memory for your daughters?

2) why not make it a good memory for HIM, so he'd have something to MISS?

And 3) to NOT fight and NOT get angry.

IN sum, she said my anger, however "right" I felt I was, or however justified my feelings were, they were simply not as important as my children having a good memory with their dad and me together.

My anger was not so important but honestly, sadly, it had been something I righteously clung to for too long.

Thanks to my DB coach,

I figured, maybe I could repress my anger for FOUR days...for FOUR days I could with hold my anger and my negative feelings and suppress my fears,

for my daughters and for the possibility that h would later regret things and maybe that I might even enjoy myself.

I didn't think I would, but I thought MAYBE I could pull off having some fun with the girls and they'd have a good memory of their dad. I did not realize that I might actually begin to FEEL differently by behaving differently, but it's what happened.

Also, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I contemplated this, I sort of comforted myself with the belief that "hey, I can always be angry and mean LATER"...so it wasn't going to cost me anything to be kind and warm or at least, neutral, for four days...

At first as we were driving there, I thought h was getting a bit nerdy telling the girls about some wild life we saw.

BUT I stopped myself and instead, CHOSE to see him in a new way and I realized that in reality, the girls were learning from their dad. He's a man of many interests and is well versed in many outdoorsy things. It's a good thing that h is educated and smart. (And really, I was simply being fairer to h)

Why was I seeing him so negatively before? Probably B/C he'd hurt me and it probably felt like a protective thing to do. I probably called it a "boundary" but I wasn't really thinking about our kids, even though I told myself h was "Confusing" them...but better to be getting some loving signs from him mixed in with other stuff, than just the other stuff (or ignoring/not seeing them.)

But it was actually destructive to our m, and that's just one tiny example of how I had let my anger poison my behavior, and what I showed the kids.

Anyhow, I forced myself to "neutralize" anything negative I thought or felt, and sometimes, I was able to convert it into a positive. It got easier after only a day or so. And pretty soon, H behaved in a more relaxed way. He got happier and more positive as well. We both had some laughs too. And some romantic moments too, believe it or not.

And best of all, the girls had a blast with him and me. Went up a mountain and rode horses. We count that as a very good memory.

And it was something h thought about later on. It was about 6 months later his loneliness got to him and his calls became daily events, sometimes more than once a day.

Give yourself a day at a time with this approach, (or "1 conversation at a time") and pat yourself on the back when it works.

** Turn your anger & pain over to God, and let HIM hold onto it for you. It's awfully heavy to carry all the time, on your own. But you don't have to.

((( )))


Food for thought...