I am a newbie and was not sure how to attach to pervious post, do forgive me. My husband continues to spiral downward. For 16 years due to religious beliefs he did not: drink, swear, watch r movies, have affairs, lie - now he has done all in 4 months. He just thru his religious stuff in the trash the other day.
He continues to spend more time with his bff, and claims they are just friends. He told me his work after 10 years is looking to fire him, and won't tell me why. He hired a lawyer for when he gets fired to sue to get his job back and for harassment - which now brings the whole family in his psychotic world due to the expense. It all has something to do with the new friends he has acquired the last 4 months at work, including his bff. He says he cannot work on us until the work thing is over. Thing is he was not working on us. He sleeps in the spare room, and now there is no physical contact. I don't mind the no sex because I don't think he is suiting up with the bff, and I don't want a disease. But a hug would be nice. I cannot seem to turn his head my way. He cannot come out with there is an affair because work would fire him on the spot. It is against policy for him to have relationship as he is her supervisor. I am pretty sure he us drinking to be intimate with her,as it gives him an out- I was drunk. He also sleepwalks and will get intimate during that- a few times he told me he fell asleep on her couch. He gets off work at 11 at night and has lots excuses to hang with his bff, meanwhile I get to be the babysitter.
I read the 5 languages of love as suggested. The only one I can do is words of affirmation, ad I cannot get near him for others. I was doing last resort but it wad not working as he felt that I had abandoned him.
What do I do next? Any suggestions would be great. I need peeps to talk with as everyone I know says get a divorce. I don't want a divorce because I love him still and I don't want him living somewhere else because his friends are scum and I don't want them around my kids. My counselor who has not seen my husband warned me to be safe. She said he is having mental issues and these are the kind of people that all the sudden snap and kill their family.
I am not sure what to do next. I feel like I have to wait until him and his bff relationship starts to faulture. Please help?
Homework is going well. I finished the reading on a couple days and now am searching for more.
My H did have a horrible childhood so I am sure that does not help with MLC. His dad is on marriage 3: biological mom left when H was 7 (current age of my oldest), mom 2 was verbally and physically abusive along with step sisters that abused sexually, mom 3 is great but did not come along til he was 17. He is not very close to his dad, and his dad has been no help thru this process.
I found out the OW was also abused as a child and he is using her as therapist now. He has quit therapy due to needing to pay for his lawyer to sue work - he works for the state, so his suing is ridiculous. I am pretty sure he is staying with me because it looks good until work thing is resolved. He has not been fired yet and I am not sure if that is good or bad. He needs to be knocked down.
I think the comment from my therapist about a possible snap comes from she does not necessarily believe in MLC. she has never said she does not, but she says he has bipolar tendencies and psychosis. She never worked with him, but was in contact with his therapist. At least if it was mental I could get him to take meds and he would be better instead of waiting out the MLC.
How long does the relationship with OW last? Since he calls. He bff, I know they are very attached.
I wish I could afford coaching, but with a pending lawsuit I need to save.
I cannot believe my H is do crazy he is secretly taping his boss and supervisor which is legal in our state. His first taping did not work, so he had to do it again. He thinks I don't know about this, but he left the information on my computer. I am not sure if he is dumb or wants me to catch him. What complicates things is I am friends with his boss. I have not talked to her since all this trouble, because I don't want her in difficult position. I know a lot of things him and bff have done at work that would get them fired on the spot, but have kept it secret. They are highly illegal. I found out when I used to spy and read texts, but I got caught and started reading here so stopped.
Sounds like your h and the ow are feeding off of each other's issues. He is treading some dangerous grounds by doing the taping and he better hope he's never discovered because he could end up not only losing his job, but doing some jail time if he tries to use the info in a blackmail scheme.
How long does a relationship last w/the OW? In a normal, sane relationship it could be any where from 18-24 months, but w/mlcers, it will need to die a slow natural death and in some cases it takes years or they go even go as far as get married down the road. It all depends up them and whether they can continue to feed off each other, meet new people, etc. No telling at this time, but you an always have hope that something will intervene and they go their separate ways.
While they are playing Superman and Lois Lane, I would make every effort to keep the focus on myself and find things to keep me busy. Are there any hobbies and/or projects that you've not done in a while that you use to enjoy? What about a new hobby? Have you seen a good movie lately?
Please take care of yourself while he's out circling the planet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I screwed up royally today. He told me that when the whole work thing is fixed he is getting a divorce. I told him that I am not there and probably will never be there. But before that I accused him of having an affair with his BFF and got pretty mad. I smoothed it all over before he went to work. I don't want a divorce and our kids are so young - 7 and 5. He says he has been trying for years. I know it is because he is in love with his BFF. The thing is that it cannot come out that he is having an affair, as he would be in more trouble at work, and I don't think he has the balls to tell me. He won't tell me about the work thing because his lawyer said - I think he is waiting for the divorce because he needs me to help for his work. He also is trying to blame me for the break up, his troubled childhood, and his troubles at work. I told him if he wants a divorce to leave - he said he won't leave and I cannot force him. All this on the 13th anniversary of his proposal. He is trying to make me believe he had been trying for 10 years and had told me things were bad - it is not his fault that I realized when it was too late. I just don't understand how someone I loved and still love could turn opposite in one day. Even friends, family, and his coworkers notice the change. I have half a mind to hire PI to get pictures of him and OW - so I can turn them into his work. I cannot believe he has lied to be and a LAWYER. I wonder if he even realizes he is lying or is he that delusional?
What should I do? I have been doing last resort and detaching from his life with his BFF, but this is hard with him in the same house. I know I cannot change his mind. But I seriously need help. I have not figured out how to make myself different other than doing more things with my girls. I am really limited as we work opposite shifts and I do not want to get a sitter so I can go out - I am a home body. Any advice on changes? Please give advice or quotes whatever is greatly appreciated. As I a going nuts at this point.
So H told me yesterday once he is done dealing with work situation of him fighting to keep his job he wants a divorce. He said that we are acting separated last few weeks as he has been in spare room for 4 months, and I have been acting distant. I am thinking I did a little over kill on last resort if he did not like the distance. How can he expect there to be no distance when he is in spare room, and won't hug or kiss me? He still is doing his fake sleep walking to get sex, but I cut him off as I don't know where he has been. I cannot believe this whole time he cannot approach me awake and say I want to make love, he has to fake sleep walk for 5 months....bizarre!
He still is in denial about OW. But if he did come out work would fire both of them, as they were shown the policy no supervisor is to have relations with subordinate. He scared me yesterday when he said he won't leave the house and I cannot make him. I never thought that he would want the house. I bet he wants the OW and her mom (she lives with her mom) to move in here with the girls.
He keeps saying he wants a divorce and wants us to be friends, but then he has excuses for why not to divorce. The only time things were good the last 5 months is the 3 weeks that OW went back to her boyfriend.
I am hanging in there, because I love him - whoever he is for the moment. He also does not seem mentally ok, and I don't want me kids around that or his friends that are almost 50 and party and act like they are 20 in college. UGH!!
I'm sorry you are in a difficult spot. DETACH! I don't know your financial situation so it never hurts to make sure you protect yourself. Don't initiate conversations-it won't get you anywhere.
Focus on you. If he wants a d and he doesn't, let him do the work. Get busy taking care of yourself. You can't fix him.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
It is so hard to focus on me. What I am is either working or a mom. All my free time is spent with one or the other. My only passion is my little girls, so we have been having more fun.
At this point he is so into OW that he cannot see the changes I have made. I cannot believe he lied to me, a lawyer, and now his work. I so want to narc him out.
Do what are dome things that everyone has done to work on themselves?
Unfortunately, it's not as easy as just making changes. The changes you make need to be for you. If he notices them-that's great. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that he is ready for a new R.
You are doing the right thing by enjoying your girls. You are building a berry special bond with them during this time and that's amazing. It will become even more special as fund goes on.
Do you like to read? Dance? Sing in the car? Just try to laugh. I know it's difficult so try to see things that maybe you've been too busy to notice. Be kind to yourself.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
