[BrightFuture]

Last night I had a major meltdown. I felt like quitting on everything in my life, like looking for work, my M, my health, my friends and relatives. I wanted to crawl into a ball and just not wake up.

These past few days were very stressful , with H’s visit, with juggling my time and my Dad, making sure that he was not in the house when H came. It still happened and it made my blood boil with anxiety. Plus, I had to keep my face in front of my Dad and it was very hard to do.

Then my sister called and asked about H’s visit. I could not resist and told her the details. She slapped me in the face again by making a sarcastic comment if I “ate enough sh!t from H again”. She asked me how long I am going to allow him to do this to me.

I felt like the whole world was against me, conspiring to make my life as hard as possible.

Job, thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I do read your post TMAK-Explanation of Reconnection all the time. I just don’t see the pattern in my H. He doesn’t seem depressed to me. Maybe it is a façade, idk. I don’t know if he is in withdrawal. He makes contact with his family. At the same time his brother who lives here complained to me that he only hears from H a couple of times a year. I know it is an exaggeration, but this how BIL feels. They used be good friends and did things together. I asked BIL why he doesn’t call H, and he gave me some lame excuse, from which I made a conclusion that he was offended by H’s luck of contact. H stayed at BIL’s house this time, and I’m sure they did something together.

I know that H is socializing with our mutual friends again, and with some other friends. He still keeps his drunken company too, but not as much.

I know that H misses the dog. But, at the same time he wants to get his own dog.

He maintains the eye contact, at least when I see him.

If H is approaching a reconnection phase, why he is still removing his stuff from the house? And this is where I’m confused. You said that he doesn’t give me the hugs because he still feels emotional connection to me. It doesn’t look like that to me, by observing his actions and his behavior. I did feel some of that emotional connection during that weekend at the vacation home, but now he is back to a cool headed guy who just goes about his business. This is why I’m surprised about the luck of hugs, because I think that H is completely over me, so there should be no emotions for him.

I’ve been trying to figure out where my H is in his journey. I know this is something that is not encouraged on this board. I’ve been reading about the stages of MLC and can tell where he was a year ago, but I cannot pinpoint where he is now. There is no OW, maybe just casual once, and even then I doubt. My mutual friends say the same. So, is still a replay then? He doesn’t look depressed. He participates in all activities that he used to like and new once, he socializes with old friends, so this is not in withdrawal either.

If this is an acceptance phase, I don’t see any obvious signs. I also don’t think that he resolved his childhood issues.

My head is just spinning with all these thoughts. I was really hoping that he was at the end of his crisis. And now I think even if this is true, he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

[job]

Bright,
In my opinion, and only my opinion, your h is still in replay. He's not one of the nasty ones, but he definitely is still traveling the earth to find that illusive happiness pill.

Please to do not try to pin down the stage our h is in because there are some that do appear quite normal for a while and then when they are alone, the depression seeps in.

Accept him for who he is today and nothing more.

Focus on you and your job search.

[Ab Fab]

I know what it feels when it all seems just too much, but it will be better tomorrow.

Take the time to acknowledge your feelings, get them out of your system and then take good care of yourself.

I have been job hunting too, have found some part-time work, but it has taken 4 months, and it wont pay the bills! Hoping it will lead to something else. I think part of it is a confidence thing, all this MLC stuff knocks you to the ground in that department.

And as for your H, I don't think he has any idea of what he wants... still!

Take good care

[willbwell]

agree above! hang in there...right? we can hang!
they don't want they want yet.
I think I am the only one who knows my sit that doesn't think I should be D already! I know MDW says to be careful about who/what to share....
I had a dream h hugged me...well I hugged him. It was stiff, but he didn't back away. more than I experience in real life right now!
laugh to keep from crying!
do something random and good today.

[willbwell]

they don't know what they want yet...

[whytry]

Keep your chin up bright. I'm the other side of your story. I was the unhealthy spouse that knew I was wrong and refused to see it. My loving spouse's patience healed my wounds (took a long time) but I have a reverence for them now that I can not explain and would give them my last breath to make their life beautiful. I hope your h will see the true joy he could have loving you unconditionally. My story is one of disaster so keep the faith cuz i have never been this way in my life!

[LoisB]

Bright,

Where are YOU in YOUR Journey?

I'm writing this for myself as much as I am for you today. This morning, I kinda feel like the heap of dust and dirt you have left after sweeping the kitchen floor. I'm looking around and thinking, "How is it possible I can find my way out of this mess and create order and calm for my kids and I?"

Sooooo, let's look at the facts. What have you survived/succeeded with so far???

For me:

It's been more than two years. My life was turned upside down overnight. I've survived infidelity, blatant rejection by someone I was devoted to completely, rejection by his family, financial insecurity, possible foreclosure...

I've succeeded in helping my daughter graduate despite her moments of suicidal depression and a weekend in jail. I managed to help her find her way to her dream college and, overall, I'm thrilled with her success.

I've parented against some really topsy-turvy odds and stuck by my kids. I started a business...

This is as much your journey as it is his. We didn't choose it, but maybe God chose FOR US because He saw us settling for a life less than what we deserved.

I see you desperately trying to read the signs and the stars and your H. You simply cannot control what he thinks, says, does, feels. Plain and simple.

I think this is where faith comes into play. Believe this is all unfolding the way it's meant to. Believe and give yourself credit for how far you've come. Build on it.

What's the thing you are the most afraid of?

Much Love,

Heather

[willbwell]

awesome post Heather! We are all in this togather!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Job, I was hoping that H was coming out of it. It’s been almost 2 years, I guess I’m tired of having an empty hope.

Ab Fab, I keep waiting for that better tomorrow, but it hasn’t happen yet. On the opposite, I think I’m going backwards. I have anger towards H resurfaced again. I’m trying to deal with it. As for still looking for work, you are right, my struggles are part of this crazy MLC thing. I do lose the confidence sometimes. Other times I just cannot concentrate and my brain does tricks on me. I also think that people who are going through the D or break up of their R’s project that vibe of loss and grief. You might not realize it, but it is probably coming across. And this is partially why I’m angry again.

Willbwell, I’ve been having some dreams about H sometimes too. A couple of nights ago I had a dream and all I can remember now that there was something exciting about me and H. I remember feeling really good in that dream, but when I woke up I could not remember the details.

Whytry, I’ve read your story and I will stop by your thread to post my thoughts. For some reason I still think that H will regret his decision to end the M (and he hasn’t filed yet), but I’m afraid I will not have the patience to wait. Job says he is still in replay, and it’s been almost 2 years since BD, and I suspect it is longer for actual start of replay. You posted some interesting things on your thread. You gave me hope that one day my H will realize what he had with me.

Heather, it is good question where I am on my journey. I thought I was moving along pretty good, but I had a couple of major setbacks recently. You are an amazing woman and you did accomplish a lot during these years. I absolutely admire your determination and the way you set your goals.

I find myself actually going backwards in certain aspects of my life. I was a confident, accomplished independent consultant. I made twice as much as H made. I was handling my business and helped H with his part. I thought I could support myself and not rely on anybody else. And here I am now… Almost 1 year without work, thinking how I’m going pay my next bills… I stopped going out because I cannot afford it anymore.

I thought I identified and resolved my childhood issues… And here I’m again… My Dad is here, staying with me. I found myself full of emotions all over again. This is a definite setback… It also interferes with my job search, because I’m fighting these emotions associated with my parents. I realized that I’ve been having a Stockholm syndrome. I didn’t get love and emotional support from my parents when I was a child. My Dad loved my sister more. My Mom never hugged us and always criticized everything we did that was not a direct order from her, and even then we didn’t do it right. Then, when I was still M’d to H and thought that I had a good life with him, she said that I didn’t have a good fortune with husbands, but my sister’s H was great. Then she didn’t like my son’s GF and was giving me a lot negative stuff about it. Well, Dad ignored my son’s GF when he saw her last week. They treat me like a slave who has to do what they want, but they don’t respect my choices and people I love. Why am I still doing things for them? Why do I feel sorry for them? Why do I try to accommodate?

My parents are also the reason H broke up with me. His comment was that I was starting to look like my Mom and he didn’t want to fight the rest of the life like my parents do. So, every time my parents visit, it is a huge trigger for me. Plus my childhood issue was that I didn’t get much love and protection from my Dad, so I was subconsciously looking for a husband who could give this love and protection to me. This was an issues in my M. This is something I thought I overcame during the last couple of years, and here I’m struggling with it again. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I will never be cured and H is right that I will never change.

Heather to answer your question about what I’m most afraid off. I think I’m afraid of going back to old me and never being able to fix the issues within me.

Sorry for the long post. I’m trying to concentrate on work now, to be precise, looking for work. I’ve been having some interviews and I am struggling to keep focused. My Dad’s visit is a big distraction. But, I also realize that I might not see him again. So, I’m very torn inside.

I will come back to answer more to Heather’s post.

[kml]

Plus my childhood issue was that I didn’t get much love and protection from my Dad, so I was subconsciously looking for a husband who could give this love and protection to me. This was an issues in my M.

Ummm....or maybe you subconsciously picked a guy who couldn't give this to you either, so you could reproduce your childhood trauma?