She left - 2

[gogofo]

Some of my decisions and actions have me thinking that for me there might be a fine line between showing I am committed to my family more that work and the W cake eating. I do not know if others share these feelings or not.

My job took so much from my personal and family life at the end before the separation that now every chance that shows up, I put family in front of work. This is how I feel now and I walking the walk.

I know my actions allow my W to have more time to do her doctoral class work and also do things like attend the b-day party. I changed from W picking up kids Thursday to Friday morning so she can attend a play that many of her students are in. I did this so I can have a little more time with kids and also to show that I support my W and things she wants to do. She said she felt "trapped" or "controlled" etc, so I figured me changing my plans so she could do something would show my 180s about supporting her.

One part of me says I am showing her the real me who supports her wants and needs and the other part of me says I am allowing her to cake eat. I waver back and forth. Truthfully I think some of the cake eating feelings are rooted in wanting her to have a difficult time while she has walked away; wanting her to be punished for her actions. I worked through the stronger feelings of punishment towards her in the beginning, but I think the cake eating thoughts are the last of these feelings.

I really do support her and her actions, and will sacrifice and move my work around to show her that I am not the only important person of part of this family and R. Trying to show actions about how I feel and not tell her, words won't convince the WAS of anything (or the LBS for that matter).

Another cake eating feeling comes from the fear that she might get comfortable and enjoy the new situation with us living apart and co-parenting.

I know one thing, I am becoming tired of the situation and will probably move even forward with GAL and not thinking about her much. I have a couple mental blocks about things to do or not do because I wish/hope we could do them as a family. Things like Easter Egg hunt on Easter or going to a new aquarium that has opened. I would love us to do these things as a family but we are not really a family right now.

I might extend an invitation for her to come over Easter Morning for the egg hunt, but I need to figure out if not wanting her to be there is to simple punish her or to show her what it would be like if we were completely D and all ties were cut.

I have held out on the aquarium trip because we have been to the old one on and off for the last 3 years and always had a great time. Usually went once a year. If I was 100% with my GAL I would not hesitate at taking the kids, just have some small emotional hurdles to jump over that are preventing me from fully committing to the trip.