She left - 2

[Positivespin]

ye21- I LOVE your tagline

Go- What happened yesterday...Not like you to miss a day- all ok?

[gogofo]

Interesting last two days.

Monday I attended a funeral for a client I have worked with for the last 9 years. Great lady that unfortunately passed without warning the day before her 43rd birthday. She was very influential in her field and left a huge hole in the small community where she lived. Left behind too much family and too many friends. Her service really put things into perspective for me and what I think is important. In order to attend the funeral the MIL picked up the kids from school and I got them later from her. She was awesome and picked up dinner for the kids too.

Tuesday we had a little fiasco with the kids. Wife called and said the children's center told her our oldest might have pink eye and needs to have a release from a doctor to come back to school. The W had meetings and couldn't take him. I rushed to school and we walking into the center together and pickup up the oldest. I took him to the nearest clinic, doctor looked at him and said... yep allergies. He has bad allergies, like mom, but they were gun shy because our youngest had pink eye two weeks ago. So two hours and a signed note from the doctor later he was back at school.

During this time I call wife and tell her the update as we are heading back to school. She asked to take kids tonight to middle niece's b-day party, she would pick the kids up from school. Not an issue with me and the kids would love the party and visit with family. At 3:30 I get a text that she is not going because of weather issues, it was snowing hard on and off all day, and I would get the kids. I get the kids, head home and start cooking us dinner.

When about finished cooking the W calls and said her SIL is mad at her and since the sky is now blue and sun shinning again, she wants to take them to party again. Once again I say okay. She shows up and dinner was ready, but kids had not ate yet. She apologized and said that they could stay and eat if I wanted. I tell her no, it is okay, I am sure they will have food etc and the party and to head out.

W gets back at 8:45, she had to leave a little early because it was snowing hard again. Oldest fell asleep and she carried them in, youngest was awake and asking about fruit snacks. W was nervous looking when she left because our youngest has trouble when she leaves him. When she drops him off at school he puts up quite a fuss and cries about her leaving. At night he gives her grief and is up and down and cries at her, sometimes throwing a fit.

Well when she left he just said bye mom and gave her a kiss, didn't put up a fuss. Don't know what W was thinking, but she did a little dancing a hesitating that seemed a little uncommon for what she has done in the past. Her face did not make it seem like she was feeling confident or owning her feelings.

She said they came home earlier and didn't watch presents getting opened or have cake because of the weather. When she got home she sent me a text saying there was a blizzard at her house.... Okay, weird to share this when most of the contact I get is "kids were good" and things like that. Maybe she is thinking about things and her decisions she has made. Who knows... Only her I guess.

[gogofo]

Some of my decisions and actions have me thinking that for me there might be a fine line between showing I am committed to my family more that work and the W cake eating. I do not know if others share these feelings or not.

My job took so much from my personal and family life at the end before the separation that now every chance that shows up, I put family in front of work. This is how I feel now and I walking the walk.

I know my actions allow my W to have more time to do her doctoral class work and also do things like attend the b-day party. I changed from W picking up kids Thursday to Friday morning so she can attend a play that many of her students are in. I did this so I can have a little more time with kids and also to show that I support my W and things she wants to do. She said she felt "trapped" or "controlled" etc, so I figured me changing my plans so she could do something would show my 180s about supporting her.

One part of me says I am showing her the real me who supports her wants and needs and the other part of me says I am allowing her to cake eat. I waver back and forth. Truthfully I think some of the cake eating feelings are rooted in wanting her to have a difficult time while she has walked away; wanting her to be punished for her actions. I worked through the stronger feelings of punishment towards her in the beginning, but I think the cake eating thoughts are the last of these feelings.

I really do support her and her actions, and will sacrifice and move my work around to show her that I am not the only important person of part of this family and R. Trying to show actions about how I feel and not tell her, words won't convince the WAS of anything (or the LBS for that matter).

Another cake eating feeling comes from the fear that she might get comfortable and enjoy the new situation with us living apart and co-parenting.

I know one thing, I am becoming tired of the situation and will probably move even forward with GAL and not thinking about her much. I have a couple mental blocks about things to do or not do because I wish/hope we could do them as a family. Things like Easter Egg hunt on Easter or going to a new aquarium that has opened. I would love us to do these things as a family but we are not really a family right now.

I might extend an invitation for her to come over Easter Morning for the egg hunt, but I need to figure out if not wanting her to be there is to simple punish her or to show her what it would be like if we were completely D and all ties were cut.

I have held out on the aquarium trip because we have been to the old one on and off for the last 3 years and always had a great time. Usually went once a year. If I was 100% with my GAL I would not hesitate at taking the kids, just have some small emotional hurdles to jump over that are preventing me from fully committing to the trip.

[25yearsmlc]

Looking back on today I realized that the way I dealt with my emotions was completely different.

In years past when I thought about losing my best friend or had to unexpectedly had to deal with it I would just swallow and hide my pain. I felt this is what a man would do, he wouldn't burden his family or others with his emotions and pain. It would be a weakness to feel or show these things.

Today was different, and I didn't even realize it until reviewing my day and journaling. Today I didn't run from or try to hide or deny my feelings. When the emotions hit me I just let them and didn't try to hide them or deny them. All of this and my kids were around for the whole thing and I wasn't embarrassed nor did I feel like less of a man.

My youngest asked me why I had a tear on my face. I showed him the picture in the paper and told him he was my best friend. He asked why I was sad and I told him that he died and I explained the car crash etc to him. He listened and looked sympathetic but I did not feel awkward or embarrassed.

I was surprised that I didn't realize my change in emotional expression and the changes I have made to how I deal with it. I hope this points to real change because up until the separation losing my best friend was the most painful experience of my life. I liked how I handled my emotions today.

I think it DOES point to real change, and I LOVE how you handled your emotions today.

On a serious but related note, I wanted to share something with you.

Years ago, a dear friend of ours (my h's bff) lost his father to suicide...and his children were told the truth about their grandfather taking his own life (after his 3rd w left him, b/c he was a stubborn man who talked about "wearing the pants in the family" to keep control and I think when he lost control of wife#3, he lost it all...))

Anyhow, I suppose the grandkids could have been hurt but they were more amazed at the choice than anything. But here's the deal. Our friend LET his kids see him grieve.

It's a deep grief, but not a fatal one. It is also not eternally painful in that way.

These^^ are such important lessons to learn, and to pass on. Plus, someday our children will face our deaths...and it's good to show them that you can be deeply wounded and yet, live on. And be happy again, laugh again, enjoy things again...without repressing any emotions.


Also, sidenote, that bff is a truly great father and possibly the best h I know. But he had one lousy role model of his own. He said he "always knew what NOT to do; the problem was figuring out what TO DO"....and then he sought out male role models who he admired or thought were good at something he wanted to emulate.

His own FIL was one, as were some mentor friends and a chaplain.

So yes, the cycle CAN indeed be broken.

Look at us...

Bravo....Really, well done.

[gogofo]

Thanks 25yearsmlc, I do feel different emotionally and how I express those emotions. Not a big surprise that as a male I had trouble showing emotions and being vulnerable, I just hope I will keep progressing. I appreciate your kind words and insight and really take your words to heart.

I feel different emotionally towards my situation too. The fear of ruining things or messing up is diminishes with every new day. I know I am becoming who I want to be, she needs to decide if she wants back in with an amazing person.

[ye21]

Thank you

[ye21]

Go- you are doing great. Look at this video bro

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Yo_UA2l9ZkY

I believe it has happened to you

[25yearsmlc]

Some of my decisions and actions have me thinking that for me there might be a fine line between showing I am committed to my family more that work and the W cake eating. I do not know if others share these feelings or not.

ALL of us questioned this, at some point in our journey...or at many points...

My job took so much from my personal and family life at the end before the separation that now every chance that shows up, I put family in front of work. This is how I feel now and I walking the walk.

Actions are talking, not just words. I think it's great. And it's not really about what you are "Giving" your w, so much as what you are giving your Family, your children, etc....

try NOT to have a scorecard.


I know my actions allow my W to have more time to do her doctoral class work and also do things like attend the b-day party. I changed from W picking up kids Thursday to Friday morning so she can attend a play that many of her students are in. I did this so I can have a little more time with kids and also to show that I support my W and things she wants to do. She said she felt "trapped" or "controlled" etc, so I figured me changing my plans so she could do something would show my 180s about supporting her.

Correct...


One part of me says I am showing her the real me who supports her wants and needs and the other part of me says I am allowing her to cake eat. I waver back and forth. Truthfully I think some of the cake eating feelings are rooted in wanting her to have a difficult time while she has walked away; wanting her to be punished for her actions. I worked through the stronger feelings of punishment towards her in the beginning, but I think the cake eating thoughts are the last of these feelings.


This ^^resonates with me b/c I did the same thing. I'm a good rationalizer. So I knew it was always possible that my "Boundary setting" was really a punitive "FAIRNESS" issue, but the justice arguments are simply us punishing under the guise of some legalese.

MY DB coach, a Godsend, once shocked me when she said "it's not Your 'job' to 'teach your h a lesson' or 'show him the consequences' of his actions. Life does that."

And in my situation and yours, I think, we tend to Underestimate the pain our spouses are in, and we over estimate the FUN freedom they have...we overlook or gloss over the fact that it's quite possible they ache for their children's arms as we do when apart, and that they are wracked with self doubt and guilt or worry about "making a HUGE mistake, etc"....

I am now seeing the full brunt of the damage my h did with his r's with our children....and it hurts to see it. It hurts him deeply, our children are hurt deeply and I'm torn in different directions.

Of course it affects the m but the irony is that I felt H and I were/are doing strong. Then I see our "family" and I feel sympathy and anger at the same time.

Don't underestimate the pain your wife WAS in before she left, and the new pain she's in now...

I know it helps me to be compassionate when I remember my spouses pain and don't paint him into the "unfeeling robot" he never really was, and surely isn't now.


I really do support her and her actions, and will sacrifice and move my work around to show her that I am not the only important person of part of this family and R. Trying to show actions about how I feel and not tell her, words won't convince the WAS of anything (or the LBS for that matter).

If you believe this^^, then LIVE IT...it's not all about the easy things to change, is it? If you "sacrifice" your work to be present for your family, try rephrasing that to see that your family has sacrificed for your career far longer than the reverse has been true.

Many people SAY their family is "their priority" but

we show what our priorities are by where and how we spend our LIVES...= OUR TIME/ ENERGY, (not with money!)


Another cake eating feeling comes from the fear that she might get comfortable and enjoy the new situation with us living apart and co-parenting.


Get over the idea that HER happiness means YOUR LOSS...and secondly, if she is miserable b/c you inflict more discomfort on her than you should, is that REALLY what you think will bring her back

AND IF SO, is that what you want her choice based on? (Ie the lesser of two evils...??)

Keep working on YOU and stay in your sandbox, don't keep getting in hers. Don't even look at her sandbox to see if YOU THINK she is "FEELING comfortable"...sweet Jesus that is some major mind reading and projecting into the future and STILL making it a bad thing for her to learn to adapt...IF NEED BE.

And it deflects from looking at yourself. Remember the real journey in life is an inward one...keep digging in your sandbox and leave hers alone.

There are good things happening in your life if you'll just look up and notice.

I know one thing, I am becoming tired of the situation and will probably move even forward with GAL and not thinking about her much. I have a couple mental blocks about things to do or not do because I wish/hope we could do them as a family. Things like Easter Egg hunt on Easter or going to a new aquarium that has opened. I would love us to do these things as a family but we are not really a family right now.


GAL is mandatory. I hammer it, b/c it's JUST essential to YOU, your children--how they see you react and what you model in the face of heartbreak or a setback,

and it will, eventually make you more attractive to your wife. She may understandably be saying "oh NOW You care about X, Y and Z"....but down deep surely she knows it would NOT help anyone for you to stay

stubbornly entrenched and insist on NO CHANGES HERE...she just wishes she had mattered enough sooner. And that's a legit emotion for her to PROCESS, and I think she will.

Keep up the good work, don't backslide. It's SO easy to become bitter in this situation. But the people who remarry new people, do so b/c they LEARNED...and so are the ones who reconciled with their spouses...but

the ones who are doomed are the ones who learn NOTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES that they want to change...(or face) and they get remarried, over and over, til they or their spouses give up,

Then they blame the entire gender ("men are selfish pigs", "women are crazy/users") ETC

Keep taking the high road and do right by your kids. In fact, next time you wonder if your wife is cake eating, first aak yourself why you are looking at HER behavior instead of yours,

THEN ask if the act requested will help your child and do right by them. You won't ever regret that. Plus, loving fathers are darn hard for women do leave.

I might extend an invitation for her to come over Easter Morning for the egg hunt, but I need to figure out if not wanting her to be there is to simple punish her or to show her what it would be like if we were completely D and all ties were cut.


^^^ Same things....(so yes' it's to punish AND to "show her")...as if she has zero imagination. Give her a great memory and give that to your kids too....

it's more for your wife to miss IF she so chooses, and more for your kids to remember.

I have held out on the aquarium trip because we have been to the old one on and off for the last 3 years and always had a great time. Usually went once a year. If I was 100% with my GAL I would not hesitate at taking the kids, just have some small emotional hurdles to jump over that are preventing me from fully committing to the trip.

Jump the hurdles. They are not as big as you are making them, OR you are still forgetting that you work to live, not live to work. You live for your family too, but not FOR your work.

Make sense? Where you spend your mental and physical presence, and energy, reflects what you value.

If you value time with your children and an intact family with a relatively happy mom, then act in accordance with THOSE values...Get out of your own way, perhaps?

[Positivespin]

Your not a mindreader....you seem to be getting better at knowing that

Its not cake eating if you are benefiting from it. If you start changing patterns and inconveniencing yourself because you believe that doing the task will make her like you more, and therefore, love you............THATS CAKE EATING!

If your W is anything like mine you will notice her "dropping the ball" alot more now.

[gogofo]

The talk about cake eating was me exploring my feelings and getting them down in writing. I was free forming writing to just let what ever came up flow out. I then go back and read what I wrote to examine it. Looks like you guys beat me to the punch.

The feelings of punishment or that she may be cake eating are barely there anymore. But, when they do come up I try to fully examine them to find where these feelings are coming from and work on myself and these feelings. My feelings about this are not as strong as they may have come across in my post.

When these feelings come up and I am doing my self examination I try to place myself in her shoes and "imagine" what she may be feeling. I am becoming more sympathetic to her situation and have been able to empathize (there is that 180 goal again) with what may be here feelings and perspective. Forcing myself to see things through other peoples eyes has really been helping with my empathy development.

I highly doubt she has done one bit of cake eating and I know in my heart it is not all puppy dogs and roses in her life. Although she did get a puppy because "I never would have let her", I know... more of the mean LBS.

I have been thinking about Easter for a while. My plan is to do an egg hunt with the kids and build them each an Easter basket. I will invite W to attend, but I am not going to hold back or wait for her response. If she wants to be there she can be, if she opts out then that is her choice. The door will be open for her, she can choose to enter or not, no judgment from me (this is the important part, my feelings need to be detached from her actions).

Thanks again for everyone's help.