[BrightFuture]

Last night I had a major meltdown. I felt like quitting on everything in my life, like looking for work, my M, my health, my friends and relatives. I wanted to crawl into a ball and just not wake up.

These past few days were very stressful , with H’s visit, with juggling my time and my Dad, making sure that he was not in the house when H came. It still happened and it made my blood boil with anxiety. Plus, I had to keep my face in front of my Dad and it was very hard to do.

Then my sister called and asked about H’s visit. I could not resist and told her the details. She slapped me in the face again by making a sarcastic comment if I “ate enough sh!t from H again”. She asked me how long I am going to allow him to do this to me.

I felt like the whole world was against me, conspiring to make my life as hard as possible.

Job, thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I do read your post TMAK-Explanation of Reconnection all the time. I just don’t see the pattern in my H. He doesn’t seem depressed to me. Maybe it is a façade, idk. I don’t know if he is in withdrawal. He makes contact with his family. At the same time his brother who lives here complained to me that he only hears from H a couple of times a year. I know it is an exaggeration, but this how BIL feels. They used be good friends and did things together. I asked BIL why he doesn’t call H, and he gave me some lame excuse, from which I made a conclusion that he was offended by H’s luck of contact. H stayed at BIL’s house this time, and I’m sure they did something together.

I know that H is socializing with our mutual friends again, and with some other friends. He still keeps his drunken company too, but not as much.

I know that H misses the dog. But, at the same time he wants to get his own dog.

He maintains the eye contact, at least when I see him.

If H is approaching a reconnection phase, why he is still removing his stuff from the house? And this is where I’m confused. You said that he doesn’t give me the hugs because he still feels emotional connection to me. It doesn’t look like that to me, by observing his actions and his behavior. I did feel some of that emotional connection during that weekend at the vacation home, but now he is back to a cool headed guy who just goes about his business. This is why I’m surprised about the luck of hugs, because I think that H is completely over me, so there should be no emotions for him.

I’ve been trying to figure out where my H is in his journey. I know this is something that is not encouraged on this board. I’ve been reading about the stages of MLC and can tell where he was a year ago, but I cannot pinpoint where he is now. There is no OW, maybe just casual once, and even then I doubt. My mutual friends say the same. So, is still a replay then? He doesn’t look depressed. He participates in all activities that he used to like and new once, he socializes with old friends, so this is not in withdrawal either.

If this is an acceptance phase, I don’t see any obvious signs. I also don’t think that he resolved his childhood issues.

My head is just spinning with all these thoughts. I was really hoping that he was at the end of his crisis. And now I think even if this is true, he doesn’t want anything to do with me.