My H is going out of town for a funeral on Thursday and will be gone until Tuesday. This is supposed to be his weekend with D7. In addition to that, he is supposed to have her every Wednesday and Thursday (we have agreed to a 2-2-5-5 custody split during our separation). On Sunday, he asked if he could take D7 on Tuesday and Wednesday since he would be out of town on Thursday and for his weekend. I agreed. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner with them on Tuesday. Well, last night, he told me he was starting to feel sick and may not be able to take her on Tuesday. Then, he called me a few minutes later and said he would still definitely take her on Tuesday.
Today after lunch, H emailed me to tell me that he could not take D7 today because he had several errands to run for his trip and still wasn't feeling well. I did not respond. I was very irritated. Though my H professes to want 50/50 custody, he frequently makes plans on days that should be his and expects me to adjust my schedule accordingly. Sometimes, he'll need me to take her because he is too tired. Sometimes, he's made plans on his weekend, so he has made plans with friends. I always say yes. I like spending time with D7. I don't feel like she is a burden. I want her with me all the time and I resent my H for taking her away part of the time. When he changed plans yet again today, I was frustrated. I hadn't planned to do anything major, but did intend to go grocery shopping, go running, and do some cleaning in the house, all of which had to be put on hold because my H is a poor planner. I decided to implement to "if you don't have anything nice to say..." rule.
Fast forward to this afternoon...H tried to call me on his way to his IC appointment. I was in a meeting and did not answer. I returned his call when I knew his appointment would be over. He wanted to make sure it was OK with me to have D7 tonight, not that I really had a choice as he had already made an appointment for a haircut and had other things to do. I said it was fine and I must have done a decent job of hiding my irritation because he didn't pick up on it. I then politely asked him how his appointment was, just expecting his normal vague answer. I never pry into these answers. He gave me the vague, "it was ok," and I said, "well that's good." He then tells me that they talked about his relationship with his dad and sisters. He then told me, for the third time in a week, that, at his C's urging, he has really been working on improving his relationship with his older sister and they've been talking frequently. Honestly, I think it's good that he is working on himself. Still, I find it very hurtful that he's willing to do all this work in so many areas of his life, but isn't willing to commit to fixing our marriage. We both come from broken families and vowed to never put our D7 what we went through. Guess he forgot about that.
After that, I guess I was shorter with my replies, which H picked up on. I'm really not good at hiding my thoughts from him. AT ALL. The following exchange took place:
H: What's wrong? Me: Nothing. H: It seems like something is wrong. Me: Nothing is wrong. I'm fine. H: I can tell that something is on your mind. Me: There's really nothing I want to talk about. H: Don't lie to me. I can tell there is something you're thinking about. Me: I'm not lying. I'm just saying I don't want to talk about it. H: OK. Are you just upset about the usual thing you are upset about? (meaning our separation) Me: A variation on the usual, yes. I really don't want to talk about it. H: You want to talk about it. You just don't think I want to talk about it. Me: I really, really don't want to talk about it. Nothing good will come from talking about it. H: Don't make me pull it out of you. Just tell me what the variation is. Me: Fine. I find it hurtful that you are so willing and eager to repair your relationship with your dad and your sister, but you aren't willing to do any work to repair your relationship with me. And I'm the mother of your child. Our relationship will likely be the one that most significantly affects her childhood. H: Ugh. I can't tell you anything. Everything is about you. Me: That's where you're wrong. As you've well demonstrated, everything is actually about you.
All went downhill from there. He can't talk to me because I'm too emotional. He can work on his relationships with his family because he doesn't have to be "in love" with them. He just isn't in love with me. (Quick aside: I think this whole "in love" thing is a total cop-out. Love changes and evolves and it pi$$es me off that he doesn't acknowledge that.) I don't think it is my imagination that he had been acting more positively lately, but this conversation made it seem like that was all nothing. I finally asked if he felt that he had been more positive about us lately. He said he hadn't thought about it and he probably needed to. I honestly think he'd be fine living in limbo forever.
Fast forward again, to tonight...I texted H to ask what his plans were regarding the weekend schedule since his travel plans throw it off. He replied that he wanted to stick to the original schedule, which would mean I would have D7 three weekends in a row. That's great for me, but means H would have had her 4 or 5 nights in a period of 3+ weeks. My D7 misses her dad. She's mentioned it to me at bedtime several times recently. I get so angry on her behalf that he doesn't make her a priority. I'm tired of making excuses for him, but I also don't want to say, "Daddy decided he had something better to do," which is honestly how I feel sometimes.
So, I screwed up again. I responded, "That's fine. Do you already have plans for the weekend?" He said that one of his friends might be flying in. This friend was originally his and was then in our wedding. Over the years, I've also become close to this friend and his wife. I sent, "Great. So X knows now too. Are you telling your family this weekend?" Many texts were then exchanged. My H says that I think he can't talk to other people. It does bother me when he tells people because it makes everything seem more final. It bothers me more when he tells people and then doesn't tell me about it because it makes me think he's lying about considering me his best friend. I finally called him instead of texting and the conversation really wasn't any better. He basically said I'm pushing him away, but that he would never make a permanent decision on the basis of an argument. I indicated that I think we need to be back at the place we were just before he moved out because we were both more positive and he was second-guessing his decision. He agreed that things were better then, but said we would need to do a lot of work to get back there. I asked what kind of work and he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore right now. He was admittedly angry when he got off the phone. I, on the other hand, was sobbing.
I occasionally think I'm the worst DBer ever. I do really well for several weeks and then fail big time. These slips (which really feel like way more than slips) always happen when he notices something in my tone or expression and pushes until I tell him what's bothering me. I don't want to not feel the emotions I'm feeling, but I do want to figure out how to not make them so clear to him.
So, that all leads me to a couple of questions:
I love spending time with my D7. She is truly my favorite person in the world. However, I find myself not making GAL plans sometimes because my H has such a bad habit of canceling plans or changing them at the last minute. If he so badly wants 50/50 custody, shouldn't he try to have our D somewhere in the range of 50 percent of the time? I don't want to give any time with her up, so I have a hard time setting a boundary here. Also, I wonder if part of my desire to set a boundary comes from me being angry because I feel H does not make D7 a priority. If it does, isn't that an attempt at control by me? Does anyone have any input?
When my husband pushes for information about my feelings, I always try to resist, but he continues to push until he gets me to crack. There is almost a physical feeling of just having to say it or I'll explode. Once I start sharing my thoughts and feelings, I find it difficult to stop and we get WAY deeper than we need to go and my H gets pushed away even further before. Does anyone else experience this the same way, like a physical feeling that you just have to say it? How do you cope with this without giving in and saying what's on your mind?
Is it possible to come back from such huge backslides and still save your M? I really want this to work and still don't feel like my H is completely gone.
Sorry for the length of this post. I'm really struggling today.
