I thought that a little background info about my H might help give a little perspective:
1) H is 5' 7" in height and overweight by about 30 lbs (Chubby) 2) H has low-ambition. He has being stuck as a middle level manager for more than 15 years. (job title and responsibilities haven't changed) 3) I am 100% sure that H has never had an affair cause he cannot form emotional bonds with anyone 4) The only way H can get sex outside of Marriage is if he "pays" for the service. I am not ruling this out.
Since the last couple of weeks a co-worker (who also happens to live in my neighborhood) has been looking at me with bedroom eyes and doing lite-flirting (without my encouragement). I can't deny that I am beginning to notice him too and have started to feel attraction towards him (although I am trying hard to not give him any signals).I have been feeling a desperate need for a mans attention and am fully aware that my husband cannot satisfy this need due to his porn-induced impotence. I would like to treat my marriage as an "Open" and allow myself no-strings-attached sexual gratification outside marriage.If anyone on this forum is in an open marriage (as a tool to avoid divorce), I would like to hear your views ?
It sounds like your husband was aware that you knew of his addiction and you are upset because he did nothing about YOUR feelings. Is he responsible for YOUR feelings?
Yes, absolutely he is responsible for any actions of his which cause me to be hurt. That's what a marriage is suppose to be. You are suppose to uphold, cherish and warmly love your spouse. Of course this is a two-way street. In a marriage both the H and W are responsible to make sure that nothing they do damages their spouse. If either of them disregards the other, then the results cannot be taken for granted.
I think Cadet asked a very good question and I'm not sure you saw this part.Is he responsible for YOUR feelings?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
For those who have come here with "open" marriages, it just caused more problems. If you can't handle it, then why don't you just get a D? I mean you're not staying married because of your vows if you're going to have A's.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Many people come here wanting to save their marriage.
After reflection, most find that the marriage they knew is gone or is toxic and needs to end.
That they need to focus and work on themselves and that is what will bring happiness, which is what will allow you to be ready for a new marriage with your current spouse or life with someone new or life on your own. The goal is to become confident, happy and fulfilled with a life with yourself regardless who else may be or not be in your life with you.
You can only control you. You can only change you. That said, doing those things may change your life and people in it. Honestly I would suggest you look at figuring out who you are, what you want and become that. If you want to stay with your husband, than make a plan and stick to it. If your husband wants to be part of your life than he will change, if not then he will not.
I am sure that there are many emotions that come with finding someone new and having fun, yet they will only hinder you right now. Take some time to figure out who you are and who you want to become.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
When I said make a plan and stick with it, that is for you. There is a point to where you leave your H if nothing changes.
Move forward with or without him, I am not saying if you make a choice to try with your H to not ever give up. Sorry if that came out wrong.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I know that I feel dejected and demeaned because of the ways H treats me. Contrary to this, I would feel loved and cherished if showed empathy and respect. So yes, I believe H is responsible for my feelings because my feelings are a result of how he treats me. If he treated me differently, I would feel differently.
If its an Open marriage, then having a lover won't be considered an "affair", right? Because an open marriage redefines marriage. It takes separates the vow of monogamy from the marriage. I guess, it is tantamount to redefining the expectations/boundaries of the M.
Yes, I agree with you 100% JP. The question which I find most baffling is: "How do I establish if I still have a chance to save the marriage, knowing that I can only work on myself, and my H is not in my sphere of influence?" or contrarily, "How do I know if trying to save the M is a hopeless cause and D is the better option?"
You don't. You can only make a choice and work on you. What happens after is unknown.
It sounds like you might be grasping at some things to keep him close, regardless of the cost to you. I was at that point with my W before she moved out. Try to take a breath and slow down.
Don't try to fix anything right now. Do some searching to see what it is that you really need.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
