Points to ponder...

[wishing, hoping]

Perhaps you are all right. Maybe H wasnt the "wrong" man. I did love him very much. And there were good times. Fun times and lots of love. That is what I miss. But it was not always perfect. It didn't have to end the way it did. And it shouldn't have.

I do think H required more attention than I was willing to give him. I worked a full time job, was a full time mom AND part time dad to two kid's and one stepson. Took care of the house, and the dog, cooking, cleaning, laundry, running kid's around, organizing, getting homework done, making everything perfect for everyone. Of course I got lost in the shuffle and so did H. But I really felt that's what parents are supposed to do. That is what other moms and dads I knew were doing. Why would we be any different? Of course our relationship suffered. But I don't think we were past the point of no return. Of course now I believe there is no going back. Would I have done things differently? Yes and no. I would have not agreed to sell our first home that I loved and build a bigger house we can't afford. But I would not have done anything different with how I handled the kid's.

H is very needy. I am not. He needs to be a hero and I am far too independent to allow that. H has no real friends. No one ever gets close to him. I always wondered why we never had other friends to do stuff with. H said it was because of me. Now I know better.

I made excuses for H. I will not do that anymore. I found myself explaining to others why he was not at a kid's function or why he wasn't at a family function. I realize the person I was explaining to and making excuses most often to was myself.

So I was worried about the deal with spring break. Turns out H didn't even know when spring break is. I called him to discuss S's birthday and he told me he wanted to take the kid's out of school on April 23 for his company's "take your kid's to work day". I said you don't need to. They are on spring break that week. He had no idea. He then asked if it was okay if they spent the night Tuesday night (my night) so he they could leave right away in the morning. I said that was fine. So I don't believe he intends to take them that entire week. But I don't want to speak too soon.

I'm fighting a cold so I am looking forward to resting up tomorrow night. I plan to take a long hot shower and take a lot of honey and lemon and garlic. Those always seem to do the trick for me.

WH