3B, sometimes we need those doses of reality to wake us up. you handled that with dignity and grace.
I agree with LFW, don't try to predict the future, we live in the now; tomorrow will take care of itself.
It's wonderful that your H continues in counseling, people who can't look inward don't make very good partners or parents. Your kids are lucky.
I had a convo with my IC just yesterday about letting go and how that allowed other people room to step up. That simple practice changes my life every day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with LFW, 3. You handled that surprise info so well! This is the new you!
I don't understand why our H move away and don't want the kids to go to their new home. Why is this? My H REFUSES to have the kids where he is (loser friends basement). He is embarrassed and ashamed, but it's the ultimate reality of D. How do you feel about it?
Also, the Sunday family time is great. I know the kids love it. Is a part of you fearful of losing that last family tradition, too? Maybe you could agree to meet at a restaurant for Sunday get togethers to prevent the revolving door syndrome your H seems to have.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
3BM you sound so positive and so determine, your doing AMAZING and should be so proud of yourself!
Your situation is very very similar to mine although my H has been through rehab so has had a lot of intense therapy therefore is further along, my H had the "luxury" of being able to focus on himself without any external distractions and it gave him a huge head start and gave him the tools to continue the work afterwards, its very hard to dig deep whilst also living life isn't it - he still struggles at times but he's doing well & trying his best which is admirable.
When I went complete NC with H it gave him a real taste of what life would be like without me around, maybe your H moving into his own place would do that too? I did it for myself mainly but his reaction since has been a bonus. Have you considered changing the dynamics completely? Stopping "family time" at home, maybe do it elsewhere so its not in your home?
Keep it up 3BM, your doing fantastic!!!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
There are two main reasons why I have left Sunday family time in place: (1) the kids enjoy getting to spend time with us and (2) if we stop I will lose even more time with the kids. Sunday is the only day that I am not working or our day is not filled with kid activities (birthday parties/sports). I am not ready to give up even more time with them right now.
Originally Posted By: bluesgal
I don't understand why our H move away and don't want the kids to go to their new home. Why is this? My H REFUSES to have the kids where he is (loser friends basement). He is embarrassed and ashamed, but it's the ultimate reality of D. How do you feel about it?
My H does not want to tell them until he decides to definitely move forward with a D and when he has a permanent place. So far, both of our IC think that it is in the kids best interest to not know about the S. If we are able to R, H does not want the kids to have known about the S.
Even if we tried to explain it to the kids, S3 and S1 would have no idea what we are even talking about. They are way to young to understand. S5 may understand, but he is a super sensitive kid and my worrier. He is going to have a difficult time once he finds out.
While I could force H to take the kids to his place and to tell them about the separation to get him to understand the reality of D, I don't believe that it is in the kids best interest right now. I would prefer to let them just enjoy their childhood for as long as possible before shaking up their little world.
I know that I may be wrong, but my mommy instincts tell me that it is not time yet.
(((3b))) I don't know the right answer either but I am a big believer in following your gut when it comes to your kids. As long as you are able to maintain distance and you are not being set back by continuing things as is. If things progress in the direction where h has a more permanent place with furniture then new arrangements need to be nade. I can see how it would be confusing to little guys seeing dad move from place to place.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I totally understand, 3. I wish my kids didn't have to be exposed to this, but aren't young enough to avoid it. You are a great mom. You truly have stamina to wait out your H experimenting and searching for his happiness. I'm glad he's continuing his counseling. That is a positive.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Go with your gut on this one. You're right, they're way too young to have any understanding of what this all means. If both parents are willing and able to do this to keep the kids OK right now, more power to you.
I think it actually shows some depth in your H. These are babies who need stability.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I reread my last post and noticed a large mess up. I definitely think Sunday family fun day is great....and do it as long as you can. Ours was Wednesdays....Lasted for a few months, but my kids are older. So eventually they wanted to do their own thing and the Wednesdays ended.
Go with the mommy instincts....They rule. (yes I am jealous of mommies and their instincts....Just can't learn it myself).
I think it actually shows some depth in your H. These are babies who need stability.
During our conversation, it felt like I was talking to my old H. While he said a few things that made me shake my head, there were no signs of that guy who said that "the novelty of having children wore off after S5 turned a year old." He seems dedicated to spending as much time possible with them and to making sure that we are all taken care of financially. He continues to say that he wants us to be able to stay in our house, if that is what I choose. I was concerned due to his new rental payment (which is almost as much as our mortgage...yuck) but he assured me that we would make it work.
I honestly believe that our sweet children saved my H from the destructive path that he was on. Over the past few months, they have provided him with the love and happiness that he was not getting from his nights out partying. They have provided him with motivation to work on himself to become a better person and father. It is a sharp contrast to where my H was last year.
