[BrightFuture]

So, here is an update. I’m trying to type it fast before the fog from a drink comes over me. H came to sign the tax return and stuff, and I feel like a ground has been knocked down from under my feet again. Grrr… When will I learn to let go?

He came, signed taxes, expressed his satisfaction with how much we are getting in return. We talked about the business tax and how much money there is on the account. He told me that he called the guys in the state where he worked last year and they are just getting the wormer days when snow starts to melt. He cannot go back to work until the weather is wormer, but he said he was promised a better year in terms of earnings.

Then he looked at the car insurance and we discussed how it should be handled to reduce the payments. He advised me that I should get liability only coverage on my car, because it almost has no value. I agreed with his reasoning and thanked him for the advice. He asked me if I wanted to make a phone call to change the coverage, or if he should do it. I think I said that I will do it. He seemed to be back to his normal reasonable self.

We talked about my work situation and I told him some details of what is going on in this department. He seemed to be very sympathetic with my situation and told me to let me know if he could help with the money, if he can, of course. He gave me some encouragement that I can do it, just like in the past. I told him that I’m still optimistic and that “no storm can last forever”. He liked this expression very much.

He told me some details about what is going on at the vacation home and, as I expected, he made a comment about me golfing there with some people. He didn’t remember who told him about it, I had to remind him. This was kind of weird. I think that some other people he named also told him about me and he just could not remember who told him what.

He told me that he wants to get a dog, and it might happen soon.

He showed me his Mexican visa card and gave me some advices about getting mine, which should be ready any time now.

Well, the things that made me spin again… He remembered about his business suites that he could not fit in his car last time. He asked me if I will be around tomorrow, so he could stop by and pick them up. The reason he could not pick up the suites today is because he needs to take his car to the mechanic tomorrow and it is dirty and he needs to wash it. Whatever… I was hoping that today’s visit would be it, and I will not have to deal with it tomorrow. I told him to call me before coming. Actually, before he came, he called me and asked what would more convenient for me, for him to come tonight or tomorrow. I told him tonight, but he still wants to come tomorrow as well. WTH? He is staying with his brother, who participated in a 5K run this past Sunday with me. I will give the details later.

Then he told me that he intends to drive his camper (that is currently in Mexico) here to the city, so he could pick up his drums from my house. He wants to take them to the state where he works and put them in his friend’s basement, so they could be used, and he could party with his friends.

So, I guess, he is still determined to be separated and to move on. No word about the D though. I think he figured that he can live like that just fine. I guess until he meets his “special” woman, who I assume would pressure him to get D’d and would not like me coming to the vacation home.

I was right to keep my expectation low after that weekend. I still had some hopes though and they are crashed now. I will recover, I know that.

Here the recap.
- It looks like he doesn’t want to separate the car insurance
- No word about divorce
- He wants to pick more of his stuff from the house
- He didn’t give me a hug, didn’t even attempt it
- He looks more himself and I didn’t notice any sadness in his eyes (like I noticed during that weekend at the vacation home)
- He told me some details about his life and his intentions (like getting a dog, playing the drums)
- We had a good conversation like we used to have, more like friends than partners

So, where does it put me? In “there is no hope” department again. I hate it. I wish he would just D’s me and I would never have to see him again. This is still so painfull…

[BrightFuture]

Sometime I admire H’s conviction. Either that, or he is really not capable of true love. It seems like he decided that this marriage is not for him and he is sticking to his guns, turning off all the emotions. Or, are there any? Sometimes I wonder… I wish I could be so determined. After almost 2 years and having not found that “special” woman, he is still so determined that the decision to end our M was the right one. Gosh, it makes me think how horrible our M was to him… I know, I’m just having a pity party for myself right now.

[willbwell]

What do you want Bright for you?

I mean, I know what we both wish would happen.... 2 years we have both been at this. Maybe I am asking you while I am asking myself as well...

I say I don't want to be stuck, but stuck I am. What is it we are so afraid of?
We have been doing our lives for 2 years now. We get up and get out the door each and everyday. We are living, but are we at our best? Are we living to the fullest? or are we just getting by, taking crumbs?
I know for me there is something back there nagging...

[BrightFuture]

Willbwell, thanks for stopping by. What do I want? I want to be over this already, but it doesn’t feel like it is happening yet. I was moving along just fine before that weekend at the vacation home. I was prepared to give him all his stuff, I was prepared for paperwork, in case he would brought it up, I was prepared for further separation of accounts and stuff.

I think that weekend put me back in my journey, it gave me some hope and with that some expectations. I was telling myself that what happened on that weekend is not a big deal, but everybody else around me saw some positive signs, and I gave in to that hope. I hate this rollercoaster.

This morning he called me after 10 and asked me if I was home. I was not prepared for him to come over until noon, so I told him that I needed to go somewhere. I did need to take my Dad to my sister’s, because I don’t want my Dad around when H comes. My Dad was supposed to move to my sister’s yesterday, but she asked me to have him for a while, because they needed some break from her FIL visit. My Dad was at her house all day yesterday, but he came back to spend a night. I was not expecting H to be coming to my house over and over again. So, this whole situation just making me so unsettled and stressed.

When I told H that I needed to go somewhere, he said that he just needed something from the garage very quick before he goes to a hardware store. I agreed. I opened the garage for him and didn’t invite him inside. I was watching him looking for stuff. He took a tarp (to lay on the floor) because he wants to paint the ceiling at the condo. Then he picked up some boxes with his stuff. Then he asked if he could have a ladder. He said that I will still have two ladders, one smaller which was in the garage, and another tall one outside. I guess his memory is back and he remembers stuff he had in the house. I gave him the ladder. I pretty much gave him everything he wanted.

So, he is cleaning his stuff from the house little by little. This feels like a torture for some reason. I thought I was over it already, but I felt very uncomfortable and sad. On the other side I think he feels more comfortable taking stuff from the house now. He waited for so long and now it seems like completely made up his mind about never coming back.

I was watching him yesterday and all I could see that he is back to his confident and cheerful self. He’s been taking care of the business like he used to do, he is completely in reality, there are no signs of depression or withdrawal. Well, I had the same impression about all his previous visits to the house. I saw a little different picture on that weekend. I don’t know if he puts a mask, but there is still something going on inside. The only thing I know that there is nothing in his eyes to indicate any feelings for me.

I have to brace myself for him coming over again. This is so stressful. I really need some support right now.

[bustingout]

Bright I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I understand how when they seem upbeat, happy and 'normal' can seem like a red flag to us.. Like their struggle is over and they have come through and are done and complete in their new phase.

All I can offer is my own experience which is I have seen it before and have struggled as you are now too. They are confused and I that confusion they fluctuate in what they are feeling. Hence -as you know- the roller coaster. I've heard h tell me he has never been happier, he feels great, he is confused, he has no ambition... And it goes on.

Further evidence for us to focus on ourselves and leave them to it. I know it hurts when we watch them take further steps away from what we once had with them, our lives together. That is real pain. It's a mental and daily exercise to let go of them and focus on ourselves. We won't always be good at it and we will often measure our success on how they are doing.

It can't be though. Our success has to be our own, based on our own individual situations, where we were when we started and where we find ourselves now in terms of compassion, growth, empathy, responses and love for ourselves. We are evolving - as are they- we have a choice to do that growth without destruction to ourselves and the ones we love.

Keep going bright. We have made decisions to come here, learn, and stand for our marriages... At least to learn if that is what we want to do. And th biggest part of that is letting them go. I know you felt like you were doing that - and then the vacation messed you up in your head. I get that so much. It's a time to dig even deeper for yourself and focus on you.

It's daily -and you can do this. To get to the place where YOU need to be. You can't rush your growth - especially out of fear. If you are afraid of losing time- then confront what that fear is rooted in so you can move forward from it. Standing does not have to be lost time time.

Love you bright-

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Busting. It does seem like H is complete in his path and just like he said last year this is phase of his life after me. It looks like he is following with it. He doesn’t seem confused to me.

Yes, I thought I was letting him go before my trip to the vacation home. Here is what I found on this site and saved for my reference. This was Job’s posting I believe on stages of MLC by HearBlessing:
“Please let them go! They need this time to heal in order to come back to you as whole people. I hope that in time, you wil understand what I'm trying to tell you today. You must let them go entirely, physically, mentally and emotionally in order to get them back. As long as you are still tied to them, they will continue to run.”

So, how do you do that? When I start pulling away and let go, there is something H does that brings that hope back. Then I have this hope, meaning I’m tied to him again, so he does something to show that he is still on his path away from me. How do I stay in that state of letting go?

So, H called to ask of he could come over, saying that he was at the store and ready to drive to my house. I said that he can come over. 2 min later he was here, so much for being at the store. He asked about his business suites right away and started to make his way to the bedroom. Then hesitated for a moment and turned back to check the closet for his coats. Wow, he remembered that he might have some coats here. So, I went to the bedroom and brought out his suites. Meantime he picked one jacket out the closet and told me that I can donate the rest (two more.) Then he went to the garage to look for a rope to tide his suites in the car.

It is kind of amazing that he thinks he can go around the house without asking me for any permission. I think he hesitated to go to the bedroom because I didn’t let him in the house this morning. He probably thinks that I have something to hide and he didn’t want to invade my privacy. I’m curious if this is a new thought for him, because before he was going to any room he wanted to looking for his things. Does it mean he thinks that I’m still there for him and going anywhere?

I gave him new numbers for car insurance and he told me to e-mail him, so he could transfer the money for his portion. He was in a hurry to leave this time. My phone rang and he rushed out of the door, telling me that he is already late to start driving back to the vacation home. No hug again.

[BrightFuture]

Oh, he asked me if he will need to take over the business credit card reconciling for his expenses. I have a separate credit card that I opened for business and charged my business expenses to. He used our joint card for his expenses, but the bill came to my house, so I reconciled it in our business software and printed checks. This is another thing he is separating. This card is on both our names, so I don’t know what I should tell him. I liked to keep it under control by myself. The point is he is trying to take control of his business part, so I don’t have to do the work for him. He said that we can talk about it when he comes to pick up the drums before driving back to work.

Again, it sounds like is back to reality, trying to take care of business and thinking clearly. But, he is still moving away from me. Did this man ever love me? It seems to be so easy for him to detangle his life from me.

[BrightFuture]

One more thing he mentioned this morning while he was looking for his stuff in the garage. He offered me help with the money if I would be in a dear situation. He said that he doesn’t have much himself, but he is willing to help me if needed. So nice of him.

I guess this thought has been on his mind since yesterday when I told him that I’m no better than him after he complained that he was running out with money and people are so generous to take feed him. I think he means our mutual friends.

[BrightFuture]

I can’t help to think about this question over and over again. What is it with H not willing to hug me? He hugs everybody, even the people he knows for a few hours. I do favors for him, I maintain company affairs for him, I’m nice, I give him what he wants, I don’t blame, etc… He gave me hugs last year, even when he was pursing that Mexican girl. This year he avoids being in a physical proximity to me. He is a lot nicer this year, trying to do me some favors and be of a help, but he doesn’t hug me. I don’t understand it.

[job]

Bright,
You were the first that he dropped at the onset of his crisis and you will be the last one that he will truly reconnect w/at the end of his crisis.

He feels safe hugging others because there is no "real" emotional tie to them. You, on the other hand are an emotional tie that he can't bring himself to reconnect totally with. Did you read the reconnection thread that I posted for TMak years ago? That will explain a lot in the way of how they exit and re-enter the world for reconnection purposes.

It's a normal process and it takes time. Don't take it personally.

Keep the focus on you and your job search.