Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

ye,

Thanks again for replying. When I say you have things a bit off I was talking about kids and me paying for everything.

Everything else you said is pretty close to what's happening.

I would like her ask me to pay more because she thought I was controlling before and if I just went ahead and paid the bills without consulting her wouldn't that be controlling. I have asked her what her plans were in the past for paying bills and she has told me. Even though it would be my money I still want her to pay the bills and add what she could.

Of course I want her to get a job. She had a great one for 8 years and another one for 4 years. She switched companies about a yr ago an unfortunately that company went under. She could have gone back to the previous job but decided not to because the commute was too long. I said back then "hey a jobs a job". She knew I wasn't pleased but it was her life at this point so I had no control or input over that decision.

My IC says that I was a rescuer. I totally agree with that comment and yours about it is time for her to face her life and not to save her this time.

I am doing that in every aspect except for paying bills, I don't want to have to pay more but if I have to to keep the household afloat I don't see any way around it. I would love your suggestions on how to handle this.

No I am not afraid of her having money. I don't want to sell the house. I am just not sure I can afford it on my own.

She has told me "we will sell the house and pay off our bills and go our separate ways."

I responded "that is your choice and I understand your feelings"

I added "The house is only worth about what we owe on it so if we sell it we will still have the other debt to deal with by each paying our fair share. It can be done but it will collar us both with a high payment and not allow either of us to enjoy life for awhile. Even though this situation is bad it will only get worse."

She responded back "Im not going to stay M to you because we will be broke."

I said back " I am not asking you to. I just hope you understand everything that goes into a D and how many people never fully recover from it. I know that maybe everything will work out but what if it doesn't and then where are we. D but just as miserable as if we were still M. All I ask is that we truly know in our hearts that this is what is best and then take it from there."

This conversation took place last Aug.

I have money to fix up the house but my W feels that I am only fixing it up to throw it in her face because we have to leave it eventually. This not true but I do understand how and why see feels this way.

Yes the only interactions are financial beside some small talk. I try to give her space when we are both at home and most of the time she makes first contact.

I guess yes it is money that I am worried for her. I don't want her to end up on the street. I am not rich and have a slight fear that I will end up on the street, after working so hard along with my W to have a home and cars, if this is carried through to the end.

I don't feel like I am controlling her with my money. I would pay for all the bills because that is what a H does for his W if need be not because it controls the W but because a H is supposed to take care of his W in many different ways with money only being one of them. If the W doesn't like it she certainly has every right to get her own job and make her own money.

I understand there is no relationship right now but it is hard to picture me not helping her out even if we get D. If she ever needed it and asked for it. I do the same for friends.

I totally understand taking care of myself and thinking ME first. Things my W does now that would have upset previously now don't affect me as much because I know that I cant be upset with things I cant control.

I can ask her to get a job but all she has and would say is "I'm trying, every day I'm trying."

I do feel bad for the W in a way because while I have been improving myself and Dbing and GALing. She has just rolled along enjoying her freedom, which is her right, without worrying what will happen in the long term. I know we must live in the present but some forward thinking has to be there correct?

Thanks again, I am trying to understand and pick up what you are saying and use the advice that you are giving. I just not sure that I am explaining my sitch well enough or have a great enough understanding of what you trying to convey to me. Please know that I very much appreciate your help or anyone else's.