Upwards - DB myself to happiness! #2

[Upwards]

I agree with what you are saying, but there's a fine line there. I certainly wouldn't say "stop seeing OW"....but I would say, "if you want to pursue a relationship with me, the first step is NC with OW."

Thats basically what I said last time & he didnt want to stop seeing her as he didnt think we had a future so he couldnt see what it would achieve as in his mind she was nothing serious anyway.

Now his feelings seem to be shifting as he's reduced contact with her i'm hoping he'll see that its for the best, maybe I could say something like "you do know that me & you can never move forwards together until you cut contact with her" or something like that so then i'm not giving an ultimatum but i'm clear on the boundary?

[jp787]

Hi Upwards :-)

I think you need to set boundaries and hold true to them. Those boundaries need to be shared with your husband, once not over and over. He needs to know you need nc to move forward. As you said you don’t want to say you have to stop seeing… or never talk to… Rather this is what I need.

His actions should show that he is remorseful, that he knows what he did hurt you and to be open/transparent about it.
For me an emotional A is worse than a physical A, but both can be incredibly powerful. Time is key to believe, regain trust and move past.

If all of that isn’t hard enough… You still have to make sure you become the person you want to be and not fall backing to old cycles. Keep the focus on you and making yourself solid.
Glad you are seeing some positive.

[Upwards]

Thanks jp787 - i keep being told not to frighten him off & I think expressing my boundaries right now may cause him to run in the opposite direction which is why I thought I'd wait a little while and let things settle if that makes sense?

[ye21]

Thanks jp787 - i keep being told not to frighten him off & I think expressing my boundaries right now may cause him to run in the opposite direction which is why I thought I'd wait a little while and let things settle if that makes sense?

Correct, at this point its better not to interfere and accept the things the way they are....

[jp787]

maybe I could say something like "you do know that me & you can never move forwards together until you cut contact with her"

I would try to stick with an "I" statement.

I would try to wait for him to start a conversation that revolves around your relationship. When that happens, then maybe state “I do want a relationship with you. I need trust and part of that for me is no contact with OW.”

[jp787]

Thanks jp787 - i keep being told not to frighten him off & I think expressing my boundaries right now may cause him to run in the opposite direction which is why I thought I'd wait a little while and let things settle if that makes sense?

Yes that makes sense. No relationship talks until it’s time for them or they will come off wrong. Take is slow and easy, hard to do :-) especially when you see positive

The one thing I will say thogh is if you have a boundary that he is breaking now, you need to let him know and inforce it. If it is a deal breaker now that he is on contact with her, you need to let that be known. If it can wait until you are at a point where you bother are ready to move forwad togeher, then wait for that point, but it has to be put out there then.

[Upwards]

Well an opportunity came up to mention it so I did, told him that I would love to carry on building on our friendship and see what happens but i'm not willing to do it whilst he's still in contact with OW - we had a long convo about it & I explained how I felt about it etc. He said he's not seen her for weeks but does talk to her and he understands & respects me for speaking out, he said he'll "sort it" so when I asked what that meant he said he's been thinking about doing it anyway, I told him that I wanted him to do it because HE wants to and not because he's under pressure from me then said i'd leave it with him.

What do I do now - Just leave him to it & see if he tells me he's cut contact?

[whytry]

How did the opportunity come up? I'm in the same situation but am afraid I can't express myself.

[Breakdown]

What do I do now - Just leave him to it & see if he tells me he's cut contact?

I think you do two things....1) what you've been doing, because that's working and 2) GAL! You're life is not on hold...keep working on you, do things that make you happy, make some new friends, call some old ones, etc.

If he comes around, he'll have to realize that trust needs to be rebuilt, and at least in the short term, transparency will likely be needed to help with that. But none of that will happen quickly.....so while you can think on it, there's not really anything "actionable" at this point in time.

[Upwards]

I think you do two things....1) what you've been doing, because that's working

Yep I can do that have fun, laugh, connect but also space, listen & validate.

2) GAL! You're life is not on hold...keep working on you, do things that make you happy, make some new friends, call some old ones, etc.

Yeh i'm trying to keep GAL and working on things I want to do, been very busy in the past couple of weeks decorating and doing jobs in the house as its going up for sale on Tuesday so thats been my "GAL" in a way as it will allow me to move forwards in my new life - once its on the market then I can get back to focusing on ME!

there's not really anything "actionable" at this point in time.

Yeh that makes sense, I feel like the way things are at the moment we're getting on better than we have in a long long time and I dont want to jepardise that as its clearly having a positive effect on H's feelings and I feel much better too. There is no stress or pressure its just nice to be "normal" and enjoy each others company even if we're not in a R at the moment.

I know H likes the way things are going & is beginning to see a future for us and from what he said he was thinking last night about cutting contact with OW anyway so I think/hope this will happen naturally when he's ready, I just hope he doesn't wait too long!