Previous link posted above. Chugging up the mountain.
So I have been thinking lately. Perhaps too much. I have never ever been accused of under thinking something. But I think I am guilty of underthinking my relationship with H before we got married.
I had a discussion with a friend last night who has been friends with H for years. I told her that I made a huge mistake. I married the wrong man. I severely underestimated H and his demons. I never knew dysfunctional to the level H and his family take dysfunction. I assumed because he had been in trouble in his youth that he had learned his lesson. I assumed since he had been divorced already he would never want to go through that again. I assumed since he had a rocky relationship with his oldest son he would do anything to protect his relationship with the younger children. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
What is it about myself that allowed me to fall in love or think I was in love with H? Why did I trust him when there were so many red flags? I know once I moved from Indiana to Wisconsin I wanted it to work desperately. I didn't want to fail and come back with my tail between my legs. Well just look at me now!
Two years later and I am still reeling from H's stupid move. I want to move on. I don't want this to define me. I am still hesitating with legal maneuvers because of self-doubt. Why? Why do I have this self-doubt? Why can't I just chalk this divorce up to bad choices and move on?
I don't want H back. As much as I miss having a family unit I don't want H to be part of it. I don't miss his shenanigans. I don't miss his stupidity with finances. I don't miss much about him. Then why am I sad?
I still question myself and what I did to contribute to the breakdown of my marriage. Of course, H is cracked and that didn't help. But I can't help but wonder even if I had married with someone with all his marbles, would my marriage still survive? I always assumed that I would be the one to break things off and walk out. There were many many times I wanted to, but didn't. I never fathomed for a moment that H would walk away. He always painted me as the immature, emotional half of our marriage who was angry all the time. A ticking time bomb. Now I realize that was all projection.
I know I want to get married again...someday...to the right person. But how...how can you know if it's right? I have mentioned it before but I feel like my "picker" is broken. But I need to heal. Hopefully I can heal. I do not want this to define me. I wish I could just snap my fingers and I can feel better again. But then there would be no lesson learned.
I feel like the clock is ticking for some reason. I don't know why. It can't be my biological clock. LOL! You would think after going through all this for two years I would have the patience of a saint, but it just isn't so. I just have to go through the rough patches like everyone else and talk it through.
And yes, the bad times are further and farther between. Which makes me see how I am progressing and I am healing. It would be way easier if I didn't have to deal with this guy at all. Maybe one day my wish will come true.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
