[BrightFuture]

Willbwell, thanks for stopping by. What do I want? I want to be over this already, but it doesn’t feel like it is happening yet. I was moving along just fine before that weekend at the vacation home. I was prepared to give him all his stuff, I was prepared for paperwork, in case he would brought it up, I was prepared for further separation of accounts and stuff.

I think that weekend put me back in my journey, it gave me some hope and with that some expectations. I was telling myself that what happened on that weekend is not a big deal, but everybody else around me saw some positive signs, and I gave in to that hope. I hate this rollercoaster.

This morning he called me after 10 and asked me if I was home. I was not prepared for him to come over until noon, so I told him that I needed to go somewhere. I did need to take my Dad to my sister’s, because I don’t want my Dad around when H comes. My Dad was supposed to move to my sister’s yesterday, but she asked me to have him for a while, because they needed some break from her FIL visit. My Dad was at her house all day yesterday, but he came back to spend a night. I was not expecting H to be coming to my house over and over again. So, this whole situation just making me so unsettled and stressed.

When I told H that I needed to go somewhere, he said that he just needed something from the garage very quick before he goes to a hardware store. I agreed. I opened the garage for him and didn’t invite him inside. I was watching him looking for stuff. He took a tarp (to lay on the floor) because he wants to paint the ceiling at the condo. Then he picked up some boxes with his stuff. Then he asked if he could have a ladder. He said that I will still have two ladders, one smaller which was in the garage, and another tall one outside. I guess his memory is back and he remembers stuff he had in the house. I gave him the ladder. I pretty much gave him everything he wanted.

So, he is cleaning his stuff from the house little by little. This feels like a torture for some reason. I thought I was over it already, but I felt very uncomfortable and sad. On the other side I think he feels more comfortable taking stuff from the house now. He waited for so long and now it seems like completely made up his mind about never coming back.

I was watching him yesterday and all I could see that he is back to his confident and cheerful self. He’s been taking care of the business like he used to do, he is completely in reality, there are no signs of depression or withdrawal. Well, I had the same impression about all his previous visits to the house. I saw a little different picture on that weekend. I don’t know if he puts a mask, but there is still something going on inside. The only thing I know that there is nothing in his eyes to indicate any feelings for me.

I have to brace myself for him coming over again. This is so stressful. I really need some support right now.