I'm in, Wife's Out - Pt. Two

[trc2009]

It's been a few weeks since I've posted but here's an update.

We had a good few weeks (for the most part). As of yesterday, we're living under the same roof but still separated. No PA and no PC at all.

My IC has gone wonderfully so far after three sessions. I went last week and I'm going to be going every two weeks for a while. Definitely gaining a better understanding of why I lose my temper on occassion when I get angry (a lot stems from my childhood upbringing). Differences between anger & aggression, etc. Obviously a work in progress. To quote my IC, there is no "cure" or anything like that (obviously) but more of me showing the new "me" in terms of handling stressful situations....especially when it involves my wife.

We talked over the weekend and yesterday about our future and both of us agreed that we were tired of the current situation of us living separately. The "tension" that existed in January/February/early-March has subsided in a big way. Neither of us had any desire to live with other people for the next several months. And we simply can't afford for one of us to get our own place.

We were both VERY nervous on Monday when we came to the decision to move in under the same roof. I know I've been doing work but it really will be an ongoing process for some time. To quote my IC, "there is only so much that therapy sessions can accomplish. Using tools learned in therapy and consistent actions are the only way to fix past wrongdoings."

To put it in other terms, we won't know until we try. I left it up to her and she called me yesterday at work to tell me she called her dad to tell him that she wouldn't be staying there for the forseeable future.

I'm most definitely a different person today than I was two months ago. Sadly, it took a separation for me to TRULY understand what is important in my life. Sure, my kids and my marriage have always been important, but I guess I didn't know how important.

Now, I don't think we're anywhere near peicing. It's going to take a while of us living under the same roof and my wife feeling comfortable again before I can call it that. We talked about the physical part of our marriage. Right now it is GONE. It literally doesn't exist. Sure, I'm attracted to her and she even said yesterday that she still feels attracted to me. But she is admittedly very guarded and for good reason. She probably won't let that down for some time to come. It's going to take a world of patience on my part and obviously let her be the one to take those steps for the both of us.

At this point though, even if things get worse, I'm never leaving the house again. For those reading here, do not leave the house unless you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. While our separation had some good parts to it (showed us both a little more freedom than we've been used to in a while, allowed us to assess what's really important to each other, etc), I feel it really set us back. In hindsight, I should have been much more proactive in seeking professional help and I shouldn't have let my insecurities get the best of me. My W and I generally get along on most things. We both realized over the last few weeks that her and I are very much friends and can be rational people. That's dangerous territory at the moment because she even said that if she see's me as just a friend she may have a hard time looking at me as her mate. But, as my IC has said, that's pretty typical of someone who is trying to convince themselves that they don't have emotional and/or physical feelings toward someone. In other words, she's guarding her heart. But enough with the mind reading.

She hasn't said the word "D" in several weeks.....maybe over a month..honestly can't remember.

We're only one night under the same roof. It's kind of on me to keep the train on the tracks and not let the behavior to led to our separation take over again. She's talked a little bit about the future. On both sides of the coin. We have a vacation planned with my family this June (we did before we separated). She has indicated that if she gets a job she'll do her best to get the whole week off. Our house is on the market and she's made comments like "in our next house we need to do X, Y, and Z." Little things like that. Commments like that a month or two ago simply did not exist.

On the other hand she's made comments to the other direction. Comments like "if we end up apart, I'm going to make fun of you if you start dating someone who is 21."

I try to take those comments with a grain of salt because now that we've officially done this for three months, I've learned that she's a lot of "talk" sometimes. I don't know if it's her way of trying to bait me or something else, but growing thicker skin is a must. That took me a while to do but I get better at it each week.

I've been fairly happy, confident, and slightly content the last several weeks. Simply being able to go home now is a huge weight off my shoulders and hopefully that will help me continue being more happy and confident. The importance of simply being able to go home after work and seeing my family and sleeping in my own bed cannot be understated. Hence the reason someone should not agree to move out of a home unless it's a last resort.