Take Two ...

[Train]

This is the debate playing out in my head today. For those of you who have read "His Needs, Her Needs" *AND* DR, you'll probably see this clearly and can help me pull it apart:

HS said the other day that I need to focus on meeting NONE of H's needs. I need to step back and let OW meet those needs ... or try to. We've also established that I need to try to minimize conflict between H and me so that, eventually, the conflict can be between him and OW. And we have decided that H needs to FEEL what he's missing.

I'm struggling, though, with the notion of him "feeling/realizing what he's missing" if I am pulling completely back and out of the picture. So the argument could be: Ok, we were married for 10 years, so we *assume* he knows what he's missing. BUT, clearly I wasn't meeting at least a couple of his needs. So I can't be so sure that he realizes right now - or even eventually WILL realize - what he's missing. Because clearly a lot was missing in our M when he chose to have an A.

In DR, much of the advice seems to be to listen, validate, etc. while working on GAL/180s/detaching. And pay attention to baby steps, indicating things are improving and what I'm doing is working. H and I haven't talked about our R *ONCE* since the BD. It hasn't come up. I've refused to discuss it until he ends his A. Everything I have surmised about the break-down of our M has been from books/research.

Here's the thing: H texted me today to ask how S7 is feeling. I told him he's feeling much better. H said: "He must've gotten a lot of love from his mommy," to which I replied: "Of course!" Then, he started texting about how he's struggling today because he worked until the wee-hours of the morning and was back up in 2 hours to start all over again. And that led to him texting about his work, what he's up to, etc.

H hasn't been contacting me *at all* - unless it's been about the kids - until the past week.

In other words, hearing from H randomly is new territory for me. And, strangely, this is one of the "baby steps" I listed when I first set my goals post-BD: One of the ways I would know things are improving is if he "texts me randomly and it isn't about the kids."

During our M, when H would text about work - and about how unhappy he is - I would become clearly frustrated and tell him essentially to suck it up, buttercup. You've got a family to support. Period. Stopyerbitchin'. (That's because he has a pattern of growing miserable at work, then just snaps and packs up and leaves and goes somewhere else ... sometimes even leaving the family without insurance and in a position of having to settle for less income at a new job.)

I hate to admit that. But it's how I handled it after so many years of him being that way. I didn't try to validate his feelings AT ALL.

So, I'm confused with how to proceed on something like this because:

1. It's a 180 for me to validate his feelings and ask questions about what's going on at work without attacking or criticizing him. And I'm not instigating the conversation; he is.
2. Him texting me is a "baby step" that I have listed as part of my "thinking with a beginner's mind" goals.

HOWEVER ....

1. H hasn't ended his A with OW.
2. I should be attempting to meet none of his needs - including validating him or maybe even *listening* to him - to put the burden on OW to do that so H will feel what he's missing while he's not with me.
3. H's experience with me, when it comes to him talking about his work, has been vastly negative. So if I just don't engage, or if I act uninterested, I'm doing "more of the same."

(I should add that H ended the conversation on a snarky note, saying, "Oh, BTW, I didn't include any of my income from the second job on my proposal. That's a job-by-job pay, and there's not much work for me right now. I don't want to screw you, but I have to protect myself in case there's no work there." I WANTED to say: You're not screwing ME, Ackhole; you're screwing your KIDS. Instead, I just replied: "Ok. I'll let L know." So, yeah, the convo ended with me wanting to strangle him. Again.)

Is anyone following all that confusion? Can anybody pull that apart and help me figure out why it's confusing me so badly? Is it simply that an OW is involved, so that kinda changes things up, from a DB perspective? Help?