Still Together & Trying To Work It Out!

[Roberta]

According to your post, your wife is doing IC and you are not. I know you still have many questions and need guidance on how to proceed in saving your marriage. I strongly suggest speaking to a Divorce Busting Coach. Our coaches specialize in helping you clarify your goals and getting your marriage back on track. We have proven approaches that work. Call me at 303-444-7004

[Verum]

Azagtoth, read through your sitch. Similar to mine in some ways. Is your W in MLC? This might explain the EA's and need for external validation. My W is in MLC and does the following: suddenly into the gym and exercise, cosmetic surgery,spending a fortune on herself for clothes and so forth, much younger girlfriends, wanted a new car, went skydiving and into other extreme sports, and flirts with men, all men regardless of if she is interested in them. I wonder if this can explain your W's EAs?

Also what is your W's love language? If it is physical touch (my W's), then not touching, having sex, can be a problem.

[Azagtoth]

Azagtoth, read through your sitch. Similar to mine in some ways. Is your W in MLC? This might explain the EA's and need for external validation. My W is in MLC and does the following: suddenly into the gym and exercise, cosmetic surgery,spending a fortune on herself for clothes and so forth, much younger girlfriends, wanted a new car, went skydiving and into other extreme sports, and flirts with men, all men regardless of if she is interested in them. I wonder if this can explain your W's EAs?

Also what is your W's love language? If it is physical touch (my W's), then not touching, having sex, can be a problem.

FastCars,

Initially, I wasn't sure if it was MLC or not. We have legitimate marriage issues that need to be resolved, but I am positive she is having some kind of personal crisis / MLC; the therapist agrees. I can relate to some of the stuff you mentioned, but the circumstances were different:
- Cosmetic surgery to tummy & breast (reduction); due to health reasons & a gastric bypass she received earlier. This was planned even before the issues started.
- Got the new car; but then we both did and they were planned; wasn't a spur of moment purchase
- The shopping & crap has always been there, but she isn't one of those big spenders; she loves to find a sale and is actually pretty good at managing spending so never a problem.
- Flirting; always been a trait of hers and actually one of the things that drew me to her in the first place. It's never been out of control though that I have ever seen; its part of her personality really. She doesn't flirt with every man she see's but she does have one of those personalities that just puts everyone around her at ease; I know men find her very attractive.
- None on the extreme sports; she isn't into that
- Nada on the gym; she has done a few things (running, aerobics, etc) but quits pretty soon after.
- She has a variety of friends, some younger some older. Her best friend for the last couple years is actually about 10 years older than her and still happily married. We just went out with them this weekend and had a great time; wife was almost her old self, danced with me and went intimate later in the evening. It's back and forth; she wants me, then distances, she wants me, then distances. I was told earlier this is common so I expect it. But the cr@p she spewed out last week was just absolutely not her; this confirms my suspicions of a personal crisis and not just the marriage issues. She is making p!ss-poor decisions and saying cr@p that is just not her!

Wife has never taken the test but I am 99% positive QT & AoS are her primaries; I would say Physical Touch (non-S & GG are close seconds). She likes to talk a lot and wants me to go places & activities with her and she always asks my assistance for stuff (i.e. home projects, help around house, building stuff for her, etc...). I fulfill those needs regularly / daily along with anything else, but I evaluate requests to not enable any BS the best I can.

I do know she has a very low-esteem issue. Doesn't matter how much I compliment her, she just refuses to believe it. She has always been this way, but would laugh it off and say "yea, right!". Told her recently she was very beautiful, inside & out, and she kind of went straight faced and said "no I am not". I told her she was to me and all she did was kind of nod.


Roberta,

We were in MC/IC together; After this last issue, I have backed out temporarily so my wife can have the therapist to herself. This is so she can build trust with the therapist and start getting things out and working her issues. Our therapist said MC probably not effective right now until she can work some IC with wife and get to the root of her issues. Our therapist is solution-based.

I don't feel the need for therapy at this time; I have already worked more IC than wife and have come to terms with most of my own issues and have implemented needed changes into my own personal life. I will resume at a later date if needed.


Azagtoth

[Azagtoth]

Well, it's been a while since I posted and thought I should follow up and close things out! I'm a little OCD that way!

I am divorcing my wife of 22 years (23 together). Even though I am the Plaintiff, this is a mutually agreed on divorce; we are filing on our own and have agreed to all conditions so is uncontested! Once filed, divorce will be final in 31 days!

I stood for almost a year, but in the end, I realized the marriage was dead a long time ago! I put forth my best effort; took a long hard look at myself and have implemented permanent changes that I am proud of! I am more my old self than I have been in a long time and I am improving more and more each day!

My GAL has become a permanent part of my daily life and it is great! I actually have a hobby that has turned into a money-maker on the side! My relationship with my children have improved as well; I do things with D11 regularly and we are very closely bonded!

The STBX? Well, her and I are still good friends actually! We have had more conversation in the last 2 months than we have ever had! It's great; the white elephant has left the building! She is on her own path now and I sincerely do with her happiness and the best of luck in life! I know we will remain friends....that's the way I want it rather than be bitter and hateful about it!

Now, guess maybe the question is why? To be bluntly honest, a lot of things have come out in discussion, as well as a good long reflection of the past, which told me we have run our course! I realized that I would never be able to trust her fully again after the EA's! Not that I can't forgive, the trust will just never be there again! Couple that with her flatly telling me "she needs to experience other relationships and intimacy with other men" and it kind of puts it into perspective! I'm not going to be a fallback plan after she gets her "fill" and decides she made a mistake! That's life and it has consequences!

I can honestly say I have no regrets other than I hate that it ends this way and I hate that the family unit will be broken! But in the end, there is just too much stress and uneasiness and it's making for a bad situation for all of us including D11. She has been told; we allow her to talk about things openly and ask any questions she wants! We also have a therapist lined up to help her cope with the transition!

Financially, everything is not bad! Aside from CS until age 18 and a small amount of alimony for a few years, I am free and clear! She does not want any of my military retirement or my 401(k). She is a career woman and her reasoning is she wants out so I should not be made to suffer / pay for the rest of my life! We are dividing assets equally, she is buying me out of the house and releasing my VA loan. We split all bills and took what was in our own names. Custody is 50/50 joint with her as primary custodian. It's been modded in such a way, that I have access to her any time I want and not just scheduled days! STBX says I am free to visit anytime and she is welcome in my home!

That's about it! I am finally relieved and all the stress has left my life! I feel comfortable moving forward on my own and I will always be there for D11 and will be reasonable available as a friend to STBX!

There will not be a return; I won't allow it! that's just the way it is! When I am finished healing I'll be ready if someone compatible happens to come along!



Thanks to everyone who offered advice and posted on my thread! I wish all of you happiness; whether that is a reconciliation or peaceful acceptance of a new future!

Thanks!


Azagtoth!

[nit84]

Az,

Sorry your M is ending this way but thank you for coming back and wrapping it up for us. I appreciate that very much!!

I am glad you have come to terms with this and it is what YOU feel is best for all involved.

Take care and GOD Bless you!!

[Azagtoth]

Nit84,

Thanks for your response and thoughtful words! It is sad that the M is ending, but I know we will all be fine in the end!

My primary focus is D11 and making sure she adjusts and has everything she needs to come through this best we can!


Azagtoth