thanks everyone for your input. My complaint above about timely responses - I think I thought I was just conversing with the Mod, that controlled how/when my posts were put "out there" - I'm in Moderation.
As for the vb tourney - I'd sit on her LAP if I thought it would help things. I'm new to this. I guess I figured - she's the one the mentioned D, I'm giving space. I'm supposed to give space, right? Obviously I don't know the right way to go about things, most times.
Her conflicts with the M.....(from our local C session yesterday)....I spend too much time on my own activities/hobbies. This is the first time I've heard this, at least in years. It's good to know. She's also mentioned that I habitually don't do my home tasks in a timely manner, and I agree. That ain't me no more. Lastly the passive/aggressiveness and snarkiness in our convo's with each other. Both to blame for sure. I own up to everything on my end, and aim to fix it.
I have SSM, and have on order DB, which I should get in the next few days.
We're on eggshells, but things do seem to slowly be improving. Knowing what I've divulged about where we are (local counseling), I'm looking for advice, not on 180' such as working out, getting my stuff done around the house, which I will do, but on the other items such as not talking about the marriage, not initiating convos, etc. I want to operate in the most effective manner.
I've gotten the WAKE UP; I love my wife and want to be the husband that I've not been.
Kids - 3 girls, 13,11,8. M 17 years.
LL - I'm Affection. I believe (she hasn't taken profile, but our local counselor has mentioned it, but right now we're going thru Gottman) that she is Acts of Service and Quality Time, and perhaps also Words of Affirmation. I'm pretty sure she is not Affection or Gifts. QT is probably her primary LL, but that's hard for me, because at least in recent years, she does not seem to want to spend time with me, perhaps because she gave up and checked out (?).
Our C has indicated 2x now that we need to spend some 1-1 time together, but we all agreed that she needs to be the one to initiate this. It needs to be natural and not forced, but it does need to happen. I'm waiting, eagerly. It's taking everything I have to not mention it to her, or that she does her "homework" in the Gottman book. I have to keep in mind that at least she's going to C, and we have 3 more weekly sessions on the books.
Artsy - thanks for your words on defensiveness and Al-Anon - I have no doubt that I need to deal with some personal demons on my end, and am willing to do it.
Let me have it, folks! (yes, I know no one works here). I'm hopeful that we'll get thru this thing, over time, and I hope to be able to contribute to others that find themselves in this sitch in the future.
