Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[dingo]

Thanks M. I caught up on your thread a bit over the past couple of days and it looks like you are confidently moving forward as well. I feel like we were kind of in the same 'class' here on the DB forums and its nice to see things working out for you - even if they are in a different direction than you originally wanted.

I was thinking about things a little more last night and one of the other things I learned during this is that while the affair wasn't a dealbreaker for me, the conscious decision to continue it (or the inability to 'control her urges') was a dealbreaker. What I mean by this is that I was really unwilling to let the affair fade out. I wanted her to make a decision to be with me and have the courage and conviction to stick it out. I was not willing to let her play the field and then come back after that didn't work out. That's my conviction and what I believed I deserved and what I felt was right.

People here like to use the phrase 'do you want to be right or do you want to be happy'? Implied in that phrase is that if you always try to be right, you won't be happy. While that may apply for things like, who should take out the trash or other everyday things, I don't think it applies to living your convictions. I tried to live counter to what I believed in and tried to be happy with it but in the end, I was terribly unhappy, stressed out and miserable. In this case, I needed to be right to be happy.

In a lot of ways, I do feel like a weight has been lifted. Things aren't going to be easy but I really feel like the future has limitless possibilities for the first time in a long time - meaning that its not just a mantra anymore, I truly do believe it.

I have stopped thinking about what I could have done differently since BD. Sure, I could have been more patient, I could have had less R talks, I could have focused less on the OM. Overall, I am very happy with my effort. I took a close look at how I acted in the marriage, I took accountability/apologized for behaviors, identified things to work on and applied myself to them. I am not the man only a fool would leave just yet but I am a lot closer than I was before.

I mentioned a few posts back that over the past month or so, I have developed a 'slightly more than friends' relationship with a woman I met over the winter. She and I were out a few nights ago and she said to me 'i think its really amazing that when I am talking to you, you make me feel like i am the only person in the room and you really listen to what I say without judging'. Contrast that with my wife who claims that I never listened to her and am overly judgmental. Sure, perspective plays a big part as does past resentments that I know my wife struggles to forgive (she still brings up grievances from 4-5 years ago as reasons why the M will never work)but it was really really nice to see some validation from someone else on a lot of the changes I have made and things I have learned. I know I have improved and changes, if my wife doesnt want to acknowledge them or give them a chance, its her loss.