Take Two ...

[Train]

Quite the setback yesterday.

I wasn't mentally prepared for H to turn things light-hearted and then - sigh - physical. Not AT ALL prepared.

We *did not* ML. That's the good news. Not even close. We just shared a kiss. A very long, passionate one ... or three.

And now I'm beating MYSELF over the head with a 2x4.

Jumping back on the wagon now ...

[HopefulStill]

Poor OW, her A partner is cheating on her with his W! She'll be p*ssed!

Sounds like typical WAH behavior. There are different voices in his head- his logic tells him he's making a mistake, his emotions tell him to pursue the OW and leave. He's testing both worlds to find the "best deal" for himself.

You dropped your guard and he moved right in for a piece of cake! No worries, mistakes happen. You caught yourself and have learned from it. Repeat to yourself over and over- "I'm forcing OW to meet ALL of his needs. As long as I continue to meet some of them, the A will last just THAT much longer!".

Go to the gym today and punish yourself with a hard workout!

Hs

[Train]

You're much more gentle than I deserve, HS.

I have to admit: I *did* smile a little in my heart today, thinking of the eye-lock and smirk from OW at the grocery store the other day. I just wear my smirk on the inside. BUT, it's actually MY heart that gets hurt.

He knew what he was doing, too. Things started getting a little too heated, and he said, "Okay, now I'm just being stupid." That's when he decided it was time to leave.

Today, he stopped by because S7 was up, sick, all night. H brought drinks to the house at lunch. I left to get popsicles. He didn't try to kiss me, but his hands were wandering. I didn't reciprocate at all. I know I should probably say, "Hey, pal. None of that hanky-panky 'til you're done with OW." But I think I'll just stick to actions speaking louder than words.

I'm secretly (well, not so secretly NOW - ha) so afraid I'm going to cave again. It's soooooo freaking hard! Good news is I shouldn't see him until later this week. And maybe I'll just plan not to be here. Just to stay in my safe zone.

You are exactly right, of course. I need to back completely off and let her TRY to fulfill all his needs. Damm!t this is hard.

Okay, cold shower. Then gym.

[Starsky309]

He didn't try to kiss me, but his hands were wandering. I didn't reciprocate at all. I know I should probably say, "Hey, pal. None of that hanky-panky 'til you're done with OW." But I think I'll just stick to actions speaking louder than words.

And what did your "actions" tell him? Did you push his hands away? Walk away from him? What?


Starsky

[Train]

I didn't push him away. I just walked away.

[Train]

It was easy and natural because he was leaving. But I can't tell you what I would have done if I had to deal with that for 20 minutes or so.

I've gotta take a few days to recover. I'm promising myself I have to be better prepared next time. I HAVE to do/be better than that.

[Starsky309]

I didn't push him away. I just walked away.

OK, good.

[Train]

Yeah, good ... considering the alternative(s). But I still feel I MAJORLY blurred a boundary-line last night. I've tried to figure out a way to "correct" myself. But the words I come up with in my mind seem to fall flat. So I've decided that maybe I just shouldn't say anything. But I *THINK* I know my H pretty well. And once that boundary was blurred, I think he'll think it's permanently blurred ... or at least blurred until we have some inevitable disagreement/fight. I don't know how I'll handle it - or what I'll say - if it happens again.

I really screwed up.

He texted this afternoon to check on S7 and told me to call him if I need anything for him tonight. I thanked him. Then he texted to ask if I dropped off his paperwork at my atty's office. I told him I had and needed him to pick up the kids a little early on Thursday because the L needs to see me. I HATE having these discussions ... and try to avoid them at all costs. But H seems quite pushy about it ... less than 24 hours after his hands were venturing places on my body they didn't need to go.

H approached D17 for the first time post-BD last night when he was here and apologized to her. He also apologized to me last night for "taking everything so far." He mentioned - again - that if we ever decide to reconcile, we'll "start completely over." I've refused to talk about our M or R. We didn't speak beyond that.

I KNOW I need to stop mind-reading and fretting and reading into EVERYTHING. But I feel like SO much change in his behavior is happening all at once. And I also know it could all go back to how it's been just as quickly.

This is hell on earth.

[Starsky309]

Don't over think this thing, Train. We're MEN, and we really are simple creatures. It's the whole pursuit thing: he sensed you pulling away, so he went into pursuit mode. He wants to make sure he still has you for Plan B, or maybe it's Plan 1B, who knows. But really, this was all very predictable, was it not??

So let's be more prepared next time.


Starsky

[Train]

Men ARE pretty simple, I suppose.

But I don't get it: I *withhold* sex, and he pursues. She *puts out* sex. And he pursues.

Explain?????

He'll be picking up the kids Thursday. I have a L appt so won't see him long. He's also getting them Sunday. Some police friends of mine wanna go shoot big guns. I'm going with them (even though I never liked shooting guns until 4 weeks ago - lol). So I'll make myself scarce Sunday night, too. Maybe that will give me back my mojo.

But WHY do I WANT him to pursue me?

I WANT him to end his stupid filthy nasty A.