Stuck On You

[Raine]

Hey Everyone! I wanted to share some things that might be helpful for those looking at this thread for guidance on the stage I'm in right now with H.

I started reading the book "Not Just Friends." (Thanks Wonka!) This book has been so helpful for me. I'm feeling validated. Finally, I feel that my needs in all this are okay...well, more than okay. I feel that my needs are right and ordinary. Just as uR says, "I matter in this too." So two weeks ago I wanted H to read the intro of that book. But better than that, I found an article and sent it to him. It's called "Is it reasonable to want to talk about the affair?" by Dear Peggy. You can find it by Googling it. This article has been more helpful and had a bigger impact on both of us opening up and understanding the other one. I can't believe it has only been two weeks since I sent him that article. It has been so incredibly helpful for both of us and helped us take some big steps.

H has being operating under the mindset of protecting me, not hurting me over things he feels are insignificant. That if we just focus on the positive, all this other stuff will go away. This article helped him to see, no, that's not the case. I felt like he had all the pieces of what was going on with me, but this article was able to communicate all the links to put it all together for him.

He has been completely honest with me since then. And when I say complete, he is now coming to me and bringing up things that he left out before. He listened to his voice mail in front of me. This is a transparency I've never experienced before. He is becoming aware of my triggers and stopping them before they appear. He is 100% honest with me, immediately. I've gotten some "news" while on the phone with him, even though he wished he could have just said something different and then come home right away and tell me. He won't anymore. He has committed to be honest, always. And that can be a little scary...for both of us. But I'm trusting him more than I thought I ever would at this point. He has even been honest about withdrawals from OW, although he said there hasn't been any of that since October. He is opening up about things that are very difficult for him to admit to. He says he absolutely hates "that guy" that he was before. I am also completely honest with him. I have told him about things that I kept from him while S, including that I was and am part of a support group.

The Dear Peggy article helped me to understand how he wants to put it behind him and how he doesn't feel that it was him and how it's normal that he wants to deal with it the way he does do. This also helped me to understand and feel that I'm not alone. That it's normal how I need to deal with it.

He says and has shown he will do absolutely anything to get me through this. He will never hurt me again. He feels like life is meaningless without me. He feels like he needs me and without me there is no point to life. A little extreme, me thinks. And I don't know if a lot of that is just Eros love talk or if that's really how he feels. He has never talked like this before, not even when we first fell in love. I asked him if he has talked to the C about that, and he says no, but that he probably should, because the C would probably think that was unhealthy. I said, "Yeah. That's what I was thinking too, even though it makes me feel adored and special." I told him I want him to always feel so attached to me, but that it's from choice, and not a survival need. But I do feel like he is getting stronger, more confident, more grown up. He continues to grow and improve. Just when I think we've hit the mark, it gets even better. And we can and do talk about EVERYTHING.

I'm sure many of you here would absolutely love to listen to what he has to say. He is trying to give me everything. He's trying to piece together the old H, the mlc H, the feelings of mlc H and how they are illogical, but how they made sense at the time to the MLC H. He was like if you could talk to him then, he could explain why he felt that way, but the person he is now, can't explain it.

I'm getting the other side of the story. My story of things like how he showed up randomly at the house one night just to see me and hug me for 5 minutes, but now I know why. I know now how looking amazing all the time affected him. (Yes! Do this! Do everything on those lists! They notice. It matters!) He loves that I always look cute for bed. Even when he showed up randomly, even when he was sleeping in the basement, times he knew that I didn't know he would see me ready for bed, so he knew it was for me, and not for him...he loved that. He loves that I always wear something cute for bed, because now he knows it's for him. He loves when we are out and random people compliment me on my appearance. He may tease me about the time I spend to get ready to go out, but he is so proud to be seen with me.

BTW, he does not care for the term MLC at all or that he followed any kind of patterns or is relateable to anyone else. Hah! He feels like he is unique. The thing he does not like about having a term for it is it makes him feel like there is an excuse in there for his behavior. He does not feel there was any excuse for what he did. He feels like he should have gotten to where he is and where we are without all the damage and pain he caused. He feels he should have never done what he did. That he thought he was stronger and he should have been and could have been stronger.

He doesn't ever want to be apart from me. He had a convention last weekend and he was dreading it, considering not even going. He couldn't bare the thought of being away from me all weekend. I suggested that I go with him one of the days, and he was so happy. He said knowing I would be there Saturday is what got him through Friday. He called and texted me all throughout the day. When I was there on Friday, there were so many people who seemed so genuinely happy to meet me. One guy said, with a big smile on his face, "So this is your beautiful bride. I've heard a lot about you in a very short period of time."

H is so in this. And so am I. I look forward to the weekends so I can just be with him. He appreciates that when we talk about things and get to a good place with things, I am good with that and I move on from it. I don't feel the need to keep rehashing anything. I also like knowing that if I do feel like I need to go back to something, I can. Talking to him brings clarity and makes me stop thinking about it and questioning it. And as Dear Peggy said: "The goal is not to get to the point of 'never talking about it.' (That does not represent recovery.) The goal is to get to the point where you can talk about it—without the talking triggering the old painful feelings."

Also reading that timeline of at least two years for recovery helps a lot. I feel like I'm ahead of the curve in so many ways, but I'm not getting down on myself for not being further a long. That also helped H to understand that this is just going to take time and effort, which he doing and happy to be doing.

Life is amazing! The boys are happy and so much fun. We enjoy every moment with them. Every day is a new gift to cherish.