BTW, I am sorry if I missed this somewhere along the line, but I don't think I have ever known whether your H's EA is still just an EA, or a PA? Aside from working closely together, what is your H's R with the OW?
My H claims that his R with the OW never crossed the line into a PA. He claims that it has always been an EA. The OW's life was falling apart and he liked being there to pick her up and make things better. Not sure if I can believe him, though my gut is that he is telling the truth.
quote=labug]What's your goal, 3B? What do you want in this particular situation? How can you get there? [/quote]
I thought a lot about this over the past week. I decided that what my H currently had to offer me was not enough. I did not want a 8th of a R with him. I was tired of eating the crumbs that he was willing to throw at me. Things were really tense between us this past week and I could tell that we were both making things worse and felt like we were playing this weird game. So I asked my H to talk yesterday. I explained that what he was willing to offer was not enough and that I did not want a partial R with him. I pretty just reiterated the boundaries that I had set months ago but failed to enforce. I told him that I only wanted to discuss the kids/finances. I decided to keep Sunday as family day for the benefit of the kids.
My H asked me several times what had happened in the past couple of days/weeks that led to me to want to make these changes. There was not one thing in particular. It was simply a gut feeling that I needed to make a change. The conversation was hard and I definitely teared up a few times.
A little while later, I asked H if he had made any additional plans regarding his living arrangements. H confirmed that he did have an option to move, but he had not made a final decision yet. H's friend currently rents out his townhouse (in my current neighborhood) and is in the process of kicking out the tenants. H's friend offered to let him rent the townhouse without signing a lease. H would move in mid May.
The moment those words came out of my H's mouth, something switched in my heart. I am pretty sure that I even saw the walls fly right back up to protect myself. I am not even sure how to explain it. In one instant, I simply let go.
We talked for four hours after he mentioned moving. I did not cry once. Not even one tear in my eye, which is in sharp contrast to pretty much every other conversation. I know that I can enforce the boundaries now and move on with my journey. No more second guessing. No regrets. I let down my walls a little to confirm that there really is still a connection between us. But this is my H's problem and his journey and H needs to figure himself out.
H said a few things that surprised me and showed that he is looking inside himself. H admitted that he is completely self-absorbed. He talked about the past two years and how he was so focused on myself and his own needs that he did not even realize the damage that he was causing to others. He said that he is working hard in therapy to try and figure out how to change this. I am proud of my H for sticking with counseling and really digging deep. I am sure that it is really difficult for a self-absorbed person to even realize that they are self-absorbed.
H also talked a lot about how I have changed and he was pretty much right on. H mentioned joining a men's prayer group at church. H talked about how his drinking and partying has vastly decreased. H mentioned that his IC told him that he is immature and makes immature decisions.
H's IC told him that he needs to start making some hard decisions and can live in limbo in his parents house forever. H acknowledges that he is not as happy as he thought he would be after leaving. So as I suspected, he is going to change locations to see if that makes him happier. Because he is still not far along on his journey to know that an external source will not provide happiness. H says that he needs to see what it would look like to actually live alone...to come home to an empty house, to cook and clean on his own. He fees like this option is not permanent because there is no lease and he can leave as soon as he finds replacement tenant (my H is a realtor so that should be easy for him).
My guess is that if this new place does not provide him with happiness, he will need to date to see if that provides him the happiness he is desperately searching for. I think that he just needs to check these items off his list before making a commitment.
He fees like this option is not permanent because there is no lease and he can leave as soon as he finds a replacement tenant (my H is a realtor so that should be easy for him). H does not want to tell the kids about this place. He only intends to buy a mattress for himself and nothing else.
This morning, I oddly feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was prepared to set the boundaries and move forward with my life. I feel like God knew the path lying ahead of me and wanted me to dig deep in advance so I was prepared.
I am so blessed to have found this site. I have no idea where I would be without you all!!
