She left - 2

[gogofo]

Looking back on today I realized that the way I dealt with my emotions was completely different.

In years past when I thought about losing my best friend or had to unexpectedly had to deal with it I would just swallow and hide my pain. I felt this is what a man would do, he wouldn't burden his family or others with his emotions and pain. It would be a weakness to feel or show these things.

Today was different, and I didn't even realize it until reviewing my day and journaling. Today I didn't run from or try to hide or deny my feelings. When the emotions hit me I just let them and didn't try to hide them or deny them. All of this and my kids were around for the whole thing and I wasn't embarrassed nor did I feel like less of a man.

My youngest asked me why I had a tear on my face. I showed him the picture in the paper and told him he was my best friend. He asked why I was sad and I told him that he died and I explained the car crash etc to him. He listened and looked sympathetic but I did not feel awkward or embarrassed.

I was surprised that I didn't realize my change in emotional expression and the changes I have made to how I deal with it. I hope this points to real change because up until the separation losing my best friend was the most painful experience of my life. I liked how I handled my emotions today.