I don't think you should have agreed to not tell anyone about the pregnancy, but I "think" I see why you had rather she tell it first. Of course, she will be giving her version.......however or whatever, but people usually try to make themselves sound better than they really are. What about your parents?
I guess I'm not too concerned about agreeing not to tell anyone. It's going to come out soon enough. I can't think of what version she could say that would make herself look better. She already doesn't have any support from her family, or my family, or any of our mutual friends.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I hope you won't start covering up the truth.....for her. That would make things worse.
I haven't really thought about this. I mean nobody is asking me if she's pregnant or anything, so I'm not lying to anybody. I guess I'm wondering what I could do to make things worse?
Originally Posted By: sandi2
When she says she will be mad if OM doesn't snow up, is she referring to being with her at the doctor s office? That is not a good sign at all. She is clearly not detached from him, and being pregnant usually draws the woman emotionally closer to the father of the child.
Have you told her you need time to think about things? Don't call her Tuesday. She wants OM there, not you. If you contact her, then she will see it as an open door to contact you while you are trying not to be influenced from her.
Yeah this is the bad thing isn't it. She is really hoping he is going to help support the kid and that he'll be there for the doctor's visit, because he promised her. I haven't said anything as far as what I would do. I told her I would need time to think about it. But yeah I'm pretty sure she's still in love, and was just heartbroken when she originally was talking to me on Friday.
Tuesday plan is to just text her when I get to where I'm going just so she can tell the kids that I'm ok.
I haven't really thought about this. I mean nobody is asking me if she's pregnant or anything, so I'm not lying to anybody. I guess I'm wondering what I could do to make things worse?
I was really thinking in future tense. I didn't mean you had done anything yet, but who knows what she may ask of you. For example, claim the child as your own, so the family won't be so hard on her, or so it doesn't "confuse" the other kids, etc. But when one starts trying to cover up the truth, then it calls for another lie and another. That's what I meant. But yes, it could actually get worse.
She is still in love with OM, and that's very unfair of her to expect you to take her back under those conditions. She is still a WAW and the problems have intensified. That's why it is very important that both of you attend family therapy.
Her main concern right now is getting support from someone. Sad to say, but she had nobody else to turn to. That is not the best reason for a WAW to return, but I'm sure you know.
So sorry for the pain you are in.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've been thinking about the kid thing some more. And for myself I could definitely handle raising the kid as my own and loving him or her as one of my own. I would not resent my W's kid via OM.
Now I would prefer if the OM wasn't involved or involved very much. Either he gives up his parental rights or only sees the kid once every other weekend or something like that.
I don't think I can handle it if he becomes an active joint parent with my W and is making daily and weekly decisions and communicating with her often.
I still haven't decided if W is someone I want to continue our relationship with. Right now I'm leaning towards no as while she has said she's sorry she hasn't given me the feeling that she wants to change and to be with me at this point. She seems undecided, which I suppose getting dumped right after getting pregnant would make sense. But if she has no desire to be with me then I would rather pull the plug at this point and move on, before I get involved with her new child.
So is it ok if I communicate my above thoughts about her kid, while still telling her I'll need more time to decide about us?
I don't think I can handle it if he becomes an active joint parent with my W and is making daily and weekly decisions and communicating with her often.
Exactly, b/c she is not over him. You would be supporting her and the baby, but he would have her heart. At least till she got fed up with him. But you saw how fast she wanted him there at the doctor's office.....and that was after he dumped her! So, it could continue a long time.
I would get in no hurry to tell her about this. Give yourself a few more days. Also, see what her next move is going to be. Does she take for granted the two of you have reconciled or is she waiting for your answer?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes she has contacted me. Mostly we talk about kid stuff, but she also told me she talked to our pastor, who knows everything. It wasn't a planned thing, just a chance encounter. She seemed annoyed by it, probably because he told her that she has to put her feelings behind her, and dedicate herself to rebuilding her marriage. She didn't like that at all. She kind of seems to be back to it being her decision of whether this relationship is over. Which if she is then I'm not sure why I'm bothering. Probably because I'm still stuck in save the marriage mode that I haven't really adjusted to this new situation.
One of the things holding her back is that she thinks Im going to resent the kid. I haven't told her anything yet, but I would like her to know that I wouldn't.
The thing is I have a lot of questions I would like to know. Like does she not want to tell anyone because if we stayed together we would just pretend its my kid. I don't really want to do that. I guess I would do that for our kids for a while until they're older.
I would also like to know if OM's parents know or if they are going to know. I've talked to them in the past (before all this) and they had planned on moving in the next few years. If they never find out and they move away in the next year I would stay in my house ( I would like to stay in the house as it would be a financial burden to sell it and I would like to keep a consistent life for my kids if a new baby is being brought into their life).
If they do find out and are sticking around then I don't wants be around them. They did nothing wrong, but that would just be too weird.
Is it wrong of me to ask her so many questions? I feel like I need to know these things for our future.
No, not wrong at all. You need some answers, but the problem about the OM's parents is nobody can guarantee they won't find out......or how long it may be before they move......if ever. Besides, how could you trust anything your W or OM said at this point?
I can see why your W would not want to tell anyone that the baby is not yours, but living that kind of lie can catch up with you eventually. Maybe you cou.d get your pastor's advice.
The way your W responded about the pastor is not a good sign.. Instead of being remorseful and ashamed when he talked to her, she gets an attitude about it. She definitely still has the heart & mindset of a WAW.
I am very concerned that you will be facing a grueling time. So sorry this has happened.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When it comes down to it I'm pretty blessed. I've got my health, I have a good paying job and it looks like I may be able to transition into a career I've been wanting to for the past few years. I have my kids who I adore, who were there waiting for me at the airport last night and who were excited I was back home. I've got friends and family who will support me no matter what. So even if things don't work out with my W I will be fine.
As for her it's obvious she has no feelings for me now. I think our original talk was her just being scared. I get home last night, no text or call from her asking if I made it. She is only stressed out in her new situation because of how it affects her, not me or the kids or her family. How she doesn't see how our kids are going to be so confused by mommy living on her own with a new baby is amazing to me.
We are going to see each other tonight. I'm going to tell her I would accept the kid as my own and love him or her just like our kids.
I've also decided to put my house up for rent, which I will tell her. I need to remove myself from this situation. The time away made me realize how much I dread living in my current home. It's just not good for me. She also needs to know because her lease is coming up at the end of April, so she needs to find a new place and she'll want a place that will be close to the kids. I don't plan on moving too far away but I want to get out of this area we are in. I'm sure this will stress her out, but that's not my intention... I just have to get out of here.
Told her my thoughts on her child tonight. She seems pretty certain that OM wants to be involved with the kid heavily. She also thinks that her bond to him is only going to grow and they are going to get back together. She says they are not back together as of right now, but she thinks OM was just scared.
She says if she wasn't having a kid she would probably try to make it work with me, but now it seems like she's split and she's mad that she is having to make a choice to hurt me or to hurt OM. (I think she's assuming that OM is going to want to be with her, once she gets divorced)
I've got to get my place up for rent. She did say OMs parents are planning to move next year, so I may only have to be out of my house for a year or so. But that may change once they find out about the kid.
I'll update if anything changes but for now, it appears its a wrap. I'll just keep working on myself for the next relationship I'm in.
