It is vitally important a woman respect her H. She won't have in-love feelings for you as long as she has OM in her head, but you can start doing what you need to do to become the man "you" respect, first. Make sure she displays respectful behavior toward you in your home and in front of your children. You may not be able to control what she does in her private life, but when it's in your presence and in front of the kids.......you can hold her feet to the fire on the respect issue.
This means you have to call her out when she says things that puts you down or sarcastically, etc. If it is in front of the kids, you get her alone and get her undivided attention that you will not tolerate it. (I'm not suggesting anything physical, of course. But be very firm with her.)
She doesn't have to like you, but she does have to show you respect in your own home. And, she will need to respect you as a man before she will desire you the way you want her to.
Another LBH might help you more with suggestions with detaching. I was the WAW in my stitch. But I can tell you what I have heard the others say. Getting out of the house to "get a life" (whatever you enjoy) helps more than anything. Being around other adults, meeting new friends, finding new things to do to...helps you stay interested in life and moving forward. Staying physically fit by eating, exercising, and sleeping well. If you need some AD's to temporarily help, see your doctor, b/c depression is almost expected. If you need to see a therapist, pastor, men's group, or a trusted friend........have someone you can talk to. Don't confuse this with the rule about not discussing your stitch with others. Having a professional or one close friend is for your mental health. find something that encourages you. Read inspirational books, go to church, volunteer to help the elderly or disadvantaged.
All of these things work together to help you feel better about yourself and life in general. It helps you to focus on other things, instead of thinking of W all the time. People say in the beginning you really have to push yourself, but in a short time, you see it does make a difference. You won't stop thinking about her, but it helps to deal better.
Detachment is all about attitude. It is taking your focus away from her and putting it on other things. You stop trying to live to please her, and learn to make life about you and the kids. May seem a little selfish at first, but remember, this is what is needed if you are going to detach from the overwhelming and all consuming pain you are having now. It is needed for you to have balance in your life.
Doing things with the kids is fine, but take time away for yourself. Find some physical activity that will help you work out the frustration, anger, disappointment, and other emotions. I know one guy who had a boxing bag hanging in his garage. He said it did wonders taking his frustrations out punching that bag.
Detaching will not seem normal after being in an intimate R. You nature will want to think of things you should do.....if the M was healthy. But it is not healthy and you do need to use the LRT if you stand a chance in busting a D.
I also suggest you use a calendar. I mean really "use" it. Look ahead to see what holidays or special events are coming. Check out the local paper to see what the community is doing over weekends, etc. Fill in the dates on the calendar. If you don't have somewhere to go,then have friends over and create your own events. Don't be caught facing a long weekend or holidays alone and feeling lonely. Work the calendar!
Set goals of things you would like to do. (Also for self improvement goals.) it is healthy to have things we are planning, looking ahead, and working on. Have fun things planned as well as projects.
These things are all about staying busy & healthy....and keeping your life balanced. Very important while you are detaching (or learning how).
I can tell you what she needs,to see. She needs to see you moving forward and being happy without her! She needs to see that you've left her alone to do whatever she wants, but you really aren't that upset b/c your life is too full to fret too much. She needs to see that you are no longer putting any emotional pressure on her. She needs to see you treating her as if she was just another person. She needs to see she can't push your buttons. She needs to see you can set her free. And if she sees these things, then she will become concerned that maybe she has lost your interest in her..........which would be a good thing for her to worry about.
Before I forget, let me point out that detaching is NOT being mad or acting cold to her. It is not being a jerk. You still show politeness when she comes over. You still listen if she wants to talk. But you don't go overboard with it. If you have to choose which way to go, I'd say it's better to show aloofness rather than show her how vulnerable you really feel (while the M is in this unhealthy state). That may seem cold hearted to some, but you have to be careful about showing a WW too much concern. So really, it is being very much the opposite to what you probably thought you should be doing to save the M. And honestly, you may not save the M, but it will help you save yourself.
When Starsky gets back, he can give you a lot of support about detaching.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
