There is a main reason why we cant detach... That reason its acceptance, and acceptance once you reach it its simple...but untill then its seems very complicated. Basically people has choices and so your spouse, when we choose we feel "good" about our choice and face that choice with all the consequences, we dont think about hurting people because we cant see that yet, we are choosing because at that point its making us feel better, your W choose another man not because she hated you, but because at that point it made her feel better being with him that being with you.... Her sel steem got empowered by being with him, so basically she got "high" on what that other man was offering her, at this point you cant win because your self steem its really low so you and this is the key " you doubt every decission you take" now you have to choose but you doubt, she is not doubting (at the moment) her self steem its higher than yours (this could be temporary or forever, we dont know that, neither she) So at this point you are "forcing yourself" to choose, to find what its "right" or good in this situation but you cant find what is that...you doubt if you are choosing properly, you dont want to fail and then loose her... Here in this moment its when Sandi37 rules arrive to the picture and its so extremely important to follow them, because I will describe what its gonna happen: 1st you are confuse and dont know what to do, when you are in this situation just wait as long as its necessary until you are ready to choose.( you will ending choosing to take care of yourself, sooner or later but you will choose that)
2nd read and losten to what she said you did "wrong" not because I believe you did it wrong but because normally in all that big exagerattion of the leaving W there is some true....
3rd Read DBing and other books to find ways to reinforce yourself steem, its important that you believe in yourself, thats the only chance she will come back.
Now just putt it like this, your W for whatever reasons choosed to have an A and ask you for D, all this time that she is not with you, you can use it in two ways, keep saying poorly me, what an ass I was, I treated her so bad or work on yourself, when you did the awfull things she said you did, you did them because you choosed to do them, they made you feel secure at that point and you never though you were hurting nobody, now you realize the did hurt somebody....look for the balance on that.... For example, your W hated that you didnt clean the house.... Did you consider necessary to do that at that time? No, you prefered to watch a movie.... She is stating that you had to follow her standards and she was upset and hurt about it...that was her problem right? Yes it was....now, you can start cleaning the house but is it really what you want to do for yourself? Maybe not, maybe you just want to do it for her to be happy...but where is what you choose?? Thats when our partners start doubting about ourselves, because they dont see us choosing for us...they see us doubting or doing things sonthey are happy and this my friend its a form of invalidating their feelings...
Best thing for you now its to analize as much as you can your past behaviours, see what is that you dont like about you!!
In my case: I dont like to be jealous because I was suffering, not because my W didnt like it but because it was an unpleasant feeling, solution? Find help to overcome that.
Thats the way you go, if you dont work on this things, it will happen something, as human beings we sometimes doubt about our choices so we try to go back and see if we choosed wrong... Your W might end the affair and call you back, and if you still having that level of self steem and showing to the world that you dont know how to choose the best for you...she will hang up the phone and find a new lover.... Or be single, thats why its important this time for yourself, how you use it, will definetly define the outcome of this...
Write in your brain, in this time and untill I am sure about what I really want, my W has no space in my life, and when you feel doubting go back to that..
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
