Take Two ...

[Train]

Journaling ... (but comments/2x4s are ALWAYS welcome ...)

H came to pick up the kids a little while ago for his day with them. He seemed - what's the word? - "soft."

He said he still hasn't written down his "terms" for D. He smiled and asked if we needed to go on a date to work it all out. (A DATE???? ) I WANTED to say "YES!" Instead, I told him that wouldn't be necessary because we don't need to discuss or negotiate things; all he needs to do is write down what he wants, and I'll take it straight to the L (which is what L advised me to say). He reiterated he doesn't want to fight over anything and he wants to work with me on everything. I assured him I felt the same.

(... A DATE??? ...)

S7 had asked earlier this week if H would stay for a cookout tonight. He had agreed. But he always changes his mind. (I don't mind H being here, or hanging out, on his days with the kids; it's all the other days that I don't want him popping in and out or trying to get additional times with the kids.) He noticed that S7 was being really quiet, and he asked me if he was okay. He even asked S7 if he was sure he wanted to go today. I told him S7 was fine and absolutely wanted to hang with his dad. This is just SO weird because usually S7 is so excited to go places with his dad. I'm guessing he was so quiet and clingy today because, for the first time, he saw me sobbing last night. I guess I needed a good, cleansing 10-minute cry. Despite my best efforts to hold back the flood gates, I just couldn't do it any more. And S7 sat on my lap and held my hand and said: "You know what momma? It's just like in a show: There's always a villain. But in the end, everything turns out okay."

He melts my butter.

I asked H if he would have S7 and D2 home in time for dinner; he said he would. I reminded him he could stay and even use that time to write down his "terms" for me to deliver to L tomorrow. He asked if D16 and D17 would be okay with him being here. I told him we HAVE to eventually learn how to co-exist, but that if they weren't comfortable with him being here, they'd just leave ... as usual. (Not getting in between them and TRYING to make them sit down and hash things out is a MAJOR 180 for me; I'm typically a "fixer.")

So then H - obviously standing quite close - started picking something off my tank top, on my belly, and trying to wipe something off. First time he's intentionally touched me in what feels like forever. Heck, it's the first time he's allowed himself to be CLOSE enough to touch me.

An awesome Jeep drove by, and H and I were both gawking at it ... so much so that the driver smiled and waved. I waved back and giggled because he obviously caught us staring. H started laughing and said: "He waved because he wants you!"

Who knows the man H will come back as when he brings the kids home for dinner? Who knows whether he will be be nice or mean? Close or distant?

I know it shouldn't matter. I get I need to keep doing the same things, even though I feel he's constantly sending mixed signals.

But this is a special kind of hell, isn't it?

Y'all send me positive vibes this evening; I need them.