Redefining Hope and Success

[juliegayle]

Oh and he changed my name on his contact list to Beelzabub with this ugly devil picture.

I think I actually hate him now.

[juliegayle]

I was feeling better this morning. I had planned on acting like nothing changed (because nothing really did othet than I got the confirmation I have thought I wanted)

I planned on explaining that I had transferred money to make sure I had enough to cover s expenses and that we didn't run out like we did last month.

I told him this morning that I had been asking for months to separate finances and I really wanted to sit down and figure out joint expenses. He asked why. Looking at him all the emotions from last night flooded back and I said something along the lines of your girlfriend should be supporting you not me.

Again like he has for months he flat out denied her existence. Do other cheating spouses continue to deny for so long. Hr has been denying for 8 months. 2 months before BD.

Then I get weepy and started taking about how it is unfair that he brought his new dog into my life and let me fall in love and now he is going to take him away. And then I moved into the cats.

Have I learned nothing??

his response to all this is he had no idea why I am thinking about these things. Every thing will work out and I am thinking so much farther into the future than he is.

[3boymom]

Julie - I am so sorry you are having a hard time and that you confirmed the A. My H lied through his teeth about the A. We both saw a text OW had sent him and he tried to tell me that there was no text and I was seeing things. I could not believe that H honestly thought that I was an idiot. They will protect the A at all costs. My H's A has been going for over a year and he has still not voluntarily admitted anything, let alone showed any type of remorse.

It is OK that you got upset. Now you just need to keep going and figure out where you want to go on your journey.

((((J)))))

[Georgiabelle]

Julie,

I'm sorry and sending you a hug. They do have a tendency to lie so it's always easier to not believe anything they say. I can honestly say that if h says anything, I just smile and nod. One of us lives in reality and the other is on Neptune.

Listen, I know this stings. However, you knew this all along. You are a strong, wonderful woman and a great mother. Your h is missing out on things with the kids and he can never get them back. You, on the other hand, can put your head on your pillow at night and say ,"I'm working on being the best I can be and I'm a great mother." And that does matter!

Take care of yourself financially and focus on your kids. Don't believe a word he says. Love your animals and stay calm. You CAN do this and you will be an even better person as you go through this.

[labug]

Julie, you asked above "Have I learned nothing?"

What have you learned? I know you've learned some things and other things are there but you might be in process.

What do you think you should have learned that makes you ask the question?

[juliegayle]

Thanks ladies

Yesterday felt like BD all over but the pain eased quickly because it really wasn't new info. I had gotten sucked into his niceness and had put off the search for a L who gave a reasonably priced consultation. I wonder if he is just being manipulative so I don't make any moves before he is ready. I would have never thought him capable but I don't know this man at all.

3b - I totally get that crazy story about the text. Last night h told me I was living in a delusion and was crazy and completely making up OW. 6 months ago I would have fought back and Last night I just walked away.

Gb- . I took your advice. H had continued on with a bunch of crazy making spew for the rest of night. Each time he began i told him i was not talking to him when he was drinking and we certainly werent doing this in front of kids. When I went to sleep I told myself I did the best I could. I slept very soundly.

[juliegayle]

Bug. I expect a lot from myself. I feel like I should learn the lesson once and not make the same mistake again.

I should not have snooped. I knew I would get hurt but I did it anyway.

I should not have gotten hurt. I knew he was in an A but I let it hurt anyway.

I should have sat down right after discovery and practiced some breathing until I put it all into perspective but instead I called and cried to a friend at 3 am.

I should have laughed off that Beelzabub reference but instead I started questioning if I am still doing anything that would make him see me that way.

I should never have let myself start having expectations when he has been nice these past few weeks.

I have learned to be patient with other people. I need to figure out how to extend the same courtesy to myself. It's so much harder.

[labug]

Bug. I expect a lot from myself. I feel like I should learn the lesson once and not make the same mistake again.

Many of us here have had that same issue. No one is perfect and without flaws.

I just posted about something similar to BrooklynMom.

Believing in our worth is so crucial to this process. No one can give that to us but once we believe it, no one can take it away.

Challenge that voice every time it starts telling you you're not enough.

I should not have snooped. I knew I would get hurt but I did it anyway.

But you did and now it's in the past. Let it be there. Maybe you needed to see what you saw to bring you to a new understanding.

I should not have gotten hurt. I knew he was in an A but I let it hurt anyway. [/quote}
Of course it hurt. You're human and you're a loving person. Why do you think you shouldn't have been hurt.

It's what you do with that hurt/anger that matters.

[quote] I should have sat down right after discovery and practiced some breathing until I put it all into perspective but instead I called and cried to a friend at 3 am.

You must be a great friend to have a friend you can call at 0300!

Remember the breathing next time. Practice, practice, practice.

I should have laughed off that Beelzabub reference but instead I started questioning if I am still doing anything that would make him see me that way.

Think about who this is coming from.

As I've said before, don't go to the hardware store looking for bread.

I should never have let myself start having expectations when he has been nice these past few weeks.

You'll bet better at it, sometimes we need to have the punch in the gut a few times.

I have learned to be patient with other people. I need to figure out how to extend the same courtesy to myself. It's so much harder.

Extending that to yourself actually makes it easier to do with others and that in turn makes our lives easier.

You can do this.

[labug]

sorry for not proofreading

[Georgiabelle]

Julie,

I hope you are having a good day. In regards the Beezlebub comment, my h refers to me as the f$& king annoying b!t(h. At first I was upset because I only paid all of the mans bills and took care ( yes , shamefully mothered ) him for 12 years. Now it makes me laugh. Why ? It's him. Not me. I'm working on me and focusing on our kids while he continues along the train wreck path..,,

Take care of you:)