Sad times

[MamaB]

Update:

It has been a few weeks since I posted. At the beginning of that time everything made me cry, commercials, families, pregnant ladies (?), things my kids said....everthing. I was like Diane Keaton's character in the movie "Somethings Gotta Give" after she breaks up with Jack Nickolson.

All three of my daughters have their birthdays at this time of the year so my H has been in town (in our house) for these days and weekends. He is here now. At first it was odd because I felt a not exactly happy but more at piece because he was here. I think it was just a feeling that this is how it should be, the crying stopped. That was about three weekends ago. We don't really talk to each other about anything except the kids. H seems happy most of the time and withdrawals other times. I have put in place boundries through actions, not words and they are for my comfort. I won't call, email, or text H except about finances or kiddos. He now does the same. I really don't even want to talk to him about what is going on in his life, I feel that he lost that right when he decided to divorce me. I will support him as the father to my children but noot as a friend.

I saw my IC last week. I was talking to her about my emotions and how I am feeling through all of this. She says that emotions are our needs that are not getting meet. At some point she had to stop and take a moment, she said "I'm sorry, I need to acknowledge some feelings that I am having, and one of those is I'm pissed". I was at first impressed that she thought about her feelings, next I laughed a little. That changed me somehow, or at least it changed how I was looking at my H and my situation. My H came. down from his pedestal right then and there. She also told me that soon I need to start living my reality because it is unhealthy to live one life to the outside world while the reality is different. She said this beacause we have not told our kids (H choice) and so I have not told too many people about the D.

I continue to try to keep a PMA in front of, and away from my H. I try to look my best and act confident that I will be ok, I will be ok. Thank you I think to 25 for posting two youtube videos, the "fake it until you become it" one has been very useful to me. I make sure to have a power pose, and feel empowered. My friend's (one of the few who know) husband even comented about how I was carrying myself differently.

My D is is still going on, we exchange financials on the 18th, so next is settlement talk, hopefully that will go well. I continue to address what I need to change about myself, not for my H or M, but just to be a better and happier person and Mother. I want to bring joy into my home, I want my children to live in and remember a happy home. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying hard.

Sorry for the long post, I have been reading everyones sitch's and all of the great advice that they have been given, I'm very thankful for all of you here that post and respond. It has helped me in so many ways.