I have become extremely critical of everything. Judgemental. Withdrawn. For a while she had asked me to go back to the doctors to see about my health because I am diabetic. I take medications and have adjusted many things, but the biggest was I was not exercising as much I needed to be. I needed to lift weights to get some muscle mass on me to really make progress on my diabetes. She is an athlete by trade. She has said that a healthy H is important to her. So by me not taking care of myself, I wasn't taking care of HER and our M. I have read DR and something jumped out at me (well tons of things did)that highlighted something I was wondering about anyway: looking back over the past year, I really think I have been in a state of depression for a long time. More things she has said: I became needy and obsessive when she traveled. She travels often for her work, and I began to request check ins. To which she either didn't do or when she did, it was short and without feeling. She would come off as almost resentful that she had to do it. She later told me that those trips she had to do for work, yes, but she was also trying to use them as a break from US and the stress of life @ home. And I kept crushing that by not giving her space to be free. And by doing so, I was pushing her away from me.
I have begun IC to get to the bottom of my depression issues as well as how I wandered off the path of good, loving communication with my W. I had been doing things for the perceived reward I would get from her, instead of just doing things out of love. To do things that made me feel good to do, whether she came to me with gratitude about it or not.
I have been handling these things so wrong for a long time now. I just stay committed to my 180's to set my course by on track. Hoping it's enough that it sets my M back on track as well.
Me-39 W-39 M-2 T-7 BD 3/31/2014 Still living together
