Separate and Filed walking on

[paul19510]

thanks Bug I am just confused and somewhat upset by it. This is what she asked for. Now she's mad the way I performed the action. But its the same outcome...the one she asked for...Did she think I was bluffing or something? do they do that?

[paul19510]

A female friend of mine that is in a similar sitch with her H said, well she might be mad bc you just pulled the fork out of her mouth while she was eating cake....perhaps.

[melissag]

Paul, that's exactly what my H did. After he left, he told me he was "the happiest he had ever been in his life" and definitely wanted a D. So I filed and now I am the devil.

I don't know, I think it's a combo of (a) losing the control he thought he had; (b) not getting the fantasy D he imagined, and (c) having a reason to paint himself as the victim and me the villain once again.

Think about it. As an LBS, I can guarantee you that a large part of the hurt comes from being rejected and having no control of the situation. Someone else making big life decisions and you having no say. Well, imagine if you are the WAS. You are in control, feeling good, you can just kick your spouse around and he/she takes it. Then one day, YOU are getting rejected. YOU have lost control. It must feel like crap.

Not that I feel sorry for your W or my H. Just my take on the backwards ass mind of a WAS.

I'm sorry your W is being a pain. You've already stated your piece. Now just ignore any further attempts to push your buttons.

[paul19510]

Paul, that's exactly what my H did. After he left, he told me he was "the happiest he had ever been in his life" and definitely wanted a D. So I filed and now I am the devil.

I don't know, I think it's a combo of (a) losing the control he thought he had; (b) not getting the fantasy D he imagined, and (c) having a reason to paint himself as the victim and me the villain once again.

Think about it. As an LBS, I can guarantee you that a large part of the hurt comes from being rejected and having no control of the situation. Someone else making big life decisions and you having no say. Well, imagine if you are the WAS. You are in control, feeling good, you can just kick your spouse around and he/she takes it. Then one day, YOU are getting rejected. YOU have lost control. It must feel like crap.

Not that I feel sorry for your W or my H. Just my take on the backwards ass mind of a WAS.

I'm sorry your W is being a pain. You've already stated your piece. Now just ignore any further attempts to push your buttons.

I agree. I answered her texts about "custody" being part of this...of course it is...we have 3 kids under 18. the state's not going to let us file and not say who they end up with....I told her as of today, not much really changed from what we've been doing, I just put it on paper. the kids use my house as hoe base and visit W when they wish and she wants. the only difference is now, at some point, the finances won't be comingled anymore and we'll actually be doing other things. She actually got annoyed that it stated she lives at her parents....she does, she sleeps and eats there and hasn't come home since December. its where she LIVES uggghhhhhh

[labug]

thanks Bug I am just confused and somewhat upset by it. This is what she asked for. Now she's mad the way I performed the action. But its the same outcome...the one she asked for...Did she think I was bluffing or something? do they do that?

Here's the thing...does ?it matter and why?

I hope you decided to file because that was best for you, not because that's what you thought she wanted.

If so, you made a decision that was best for you, she is angry.

She can be angry. You won't know why unless she tells you and it does no good to speculate cause that's you jumping on her roller coaster.

Shake your head and think, isn't that interesting. Focus on you and your kids.

[paul19510]

Yes bug. I decided to file because its best for me and my kids. We can't live like this and sustain ourselves financially and she has said she is not coming home.

Additionally, I would like to be a H again someday but I cannot move forward with healing and then moving on if we stay M like this. No one will want to be with me that way. So if she's no coming home ans she does not want to be M then yes I want a divorce.

So I filed because given the best information I have to work with this is the only clear way I have to move forward and eventually lead the life I want to with my kids.

[labug]

I know this is tough. It's difficult to break old patterns, some of which we don't even see. Falling into the victim role is so automatic for many of us.

Be proud that you made a decision that is best for you.

Don't allow her anger to make you think you've done something wrong. But be realistic that you both will have uncomfortable feelings throughout this process, it's a given.

Those feelings don't have to control you.

[paul19510]

I found the TED Talks for Amy Cuddy, Shawn Anchor and Brene Brown. HIGHLY recommended. Almost life changing ideas. Very powerful.

I have had a problem the past few years with Low T. I asked the Doc if environmental factors can also make that issue worse. My cortisol levels and T levels have been out of whack for some time now. I'm finding that my latest measurements are improving. Even with Therapy, my levels where having issues the past couple of years. As it turns out, this very idea is shown to be a problem by Cuddy. Being in a "one down" position for as many years as I have allowed has actually impacted my health. I find this shocking, but this gives me more reason to continue to improve myself and be assertive to my W within our R. I found through this process, we still have to deal with each other. So I have to create a healthy place for myself.

[paul19510]

journal: its been "uncomfortable" since the text exchange with W on Saturday. I've heard nothing since. I asked her to respond with open times to begin meetings with the L and for open times to reschedule the mandatory meetings with the court since She hasn't. its not as bad as BD, but similar in the way it feels like "starting something from the beginning again...."

I had less sleep last night and my anxiety is up a little bit more now. A good workout helped to calm my nerves this morning. I don't know what to expect next and I guess that's what's bugging me. Time and patience I guess.

[Georgiabelle]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time, Paul. You are strong and are working hard on being the best you. Try to relax a bit.