Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

I was doing really well for a long time doing my own thing. It's only recently that I've let her affect me again. I had another down moment today when she gave me her plan for dividing bills which involved us both transferring sums of money weekly to one of her accounts and all the bills coming out of it. It cut me that she was going through with dividing things and she could see it. I went for a drive and sat by myself for 45 minutes and tried to process everything. The entire situation hit me at once: what I'd done to her, understanding her decision to proceed as she is and reflecting on how it's not what I had planned when I got married.

When I got home, she approached me and asked what was on my mind. I told her exactly that, that I understand why she's made the decisions she has, that I've let her down in ways unimaginable and that it's not what I envisaged when we got together. She said she could never trust me again but wasn't making any plans to go anywhere, only to get her finances in order. My first thought was that if she can't trust me then she can't have a relationship with me and if we can't have a relationship, why stay living at home. I bit my tongue on this one. I did however tell her I disagreed with her theory on never being able to trust me again based on what I've learned here, what I've learned about infidelity and that we would both learn and grow from the experience. I tried my best to show her that I understand why she felt the way she did but that she was selling herself short if she limited herself in ways like this.

Long story short, she told me what she thought, listened to what I had to say and we agree to disagree. I don't have any expectations that we'll get back together but if she wants to know my feelings I have to be honest with her and limiting oneself is the opposite of what I've learned about life lately. It may put a dent in my progress, hell, I don't really have any progress at the minute, but I've listened to her by being open (although at her initiation) and validated her where I could. I'm happy with the conversation despite my bumbling.

I do really want to give her 5LL to read though. I'd like to know what people think about this. She asked what I thought and how I felt and 5LL opened my eyes to what really happened. Shes focused on the cheating and breach of trust but it goes deeper than that, to me misunderstanding my wife and her love and making poor choices along the way. It will probably be counterproductive but it may help us get on the same page, even if we disagree about the issues. I don't know really but I know it helped me understand the root of the problem and I'd like her to read it eventually.

So in a nutshell, I have a wife who will never trust me again but isn't planning on moving out. I'm calling spew but she's also incredibly stubborn so who knows. Either way, I'm in this for a lot longer than I ever thought. This ride is going to be fun *facepalm* :p