Thanks so much for your posts - they really helped me to think more about my kids and what they are going through. I wanted to reply in detail to some of the points you made, so I'll do it in a couple of separate posts.
Originally Posted By: keep_going
What you need to concentrate on is on how you can protect your kids.
Regardless of money and how things end, you have to help the kids. You have to try to provide peace and stability for them.
How?
This got me re-focued on them as soon as I saw it. Last weekend I did a lot of comfort-food cooking with them, and we talked a lot about how we were feeling - S15 especially opened up and had several talks with me. I'm just trying to be a lot more observant of them, taking more time with them and showing more compassion and understanding for them. D18 is pretty much in blow-up/oppositional mode most of the time, so I have been focusing hard on trying to de-fuse that and remain calm and understanding.
I let S15 use his savings to buy himself a new phone that he needed, whereas in the past i would have insisted he get his dad to organise one through his phone company (S15 had been trying for months to get XH to give him one, to no avail). I gave up my feelings of what was 'fair' and 'right', and allowed S15 to take the action that he wanted to. I did not try to fight a battle with XH through S15.
Throughout your situation, why have your kids constantly tried to take on the role of defending you? That is NOT their place.
So I encourage you to ask yourself - What have I done through all of this that has put them in that sitch? It's a very tough question, but you need to ask yourself.
Yes, I have taken this on-board...don't know if i have all the answers yet, but it's put me on notice to try to do things differently in future. If others can see this, then something needs to be done to change.
Do not revert to the easy answer of - "MY H is crazy and they have seen it all through his actions." Because there are a lot of things and details about your sitch that there was no way your kids would have found out just by your H's actions (like the diamonds).
Yeah, I take your point... and it is easy to revert to the 'he's crazy' account. When I heard S15's final phone conversation with XH last weekend, S15 did say to him, at one point : "You're insane", followed by "Are you high? What are you on?".
The kids are faced with a lot of stuff that is really difficult to make sense of. It's hard to explain here, but a lot of what XH says to them involves attempts to completely re-write their history of our family life, and the kids know that what he is saying is "complete BS" - as S15 also told him on the phone.
Show them a strong woman. Get out of victim-mode and teach them how to behave and deal with their grief in a healthy way. Because life will bring more of that now and later in their lives as adults.
I tried this during the week and was, fortuitously, really successful. I have started volunteering and it has almost immediately come back to reward me. Ended up with a dinner invite to a VIP experience around a new sports facility in our town and admission to a couple of 'money-can't-buy' experiences for me and the kids. Plus a lot of new people that we've all met.
I took so long to reply to all you guys on here because I have been so busy going out and having fun with the kids this week!
PLEASE know that I am NOT trying to discount your son's feelings. He is IN MASSIVE, MASSIVE PAIN - and YOU can be the one to guide him thru how to deal with it in a healthy way.
I have done as you suggested and think I was pretty successful in helping him open up to me. He even acknowledged that I seem different and less stressed and more understanding.
This helps me understand, in turn, that I'm dealing with my own feelings in a healthier way.
You know I really care about you, NLW... I want to see you and your kids HAPPY and THRIVING, not just surviving.
I do know this k_g, and I appreciate your help and guidance.
