Take Two ...

[Train]

Yeah. I think you're right. And I keep reminding myself of that. I also keep reminding myself what HS has said, and HN/HN has said: That until the affair partners start having conflict among THEMSELVES (instead of with me, OH, family, etc.), this pattern of behavior will likely continue.

So I TRY not to create conflict with H. I'm trying MY BEST not to rock the boat. I have not begged him to stay. I have not pleaded. I have not written him. I have not talked about our M or R. I immediately started detaching and GAL. And I have TRIED not to "rock the boat" where H is concerned. But it STILL ends up being a conflict between H and me. He continues MAKING it a conflict between us. Unless I go completely NC, I think he will FIND a reason to try to pick a fight with me. Even when I choose not to engage by being friendly, validating and walking away.

He is full-steam-ahead to throw me to the curb like I've been nothing but a big pile of useless, used-up trash to him.

We have confused the hell out of our kids, who watched as we wrestled with the initial disclosure of what was then supposedly a "text-only" relationship ... to him sleeping in our marital bed (and telling the kids to go watch cartoons, if you know what I mean ...) and him coming home at normal times for dinner ... to now him not even feeling comfortable SITTING DOWN while he has a beer with me on the back patio when he's here, picking up the kids. He has a hard time even stepping into the house. And NOTHING DEFINITIVE HAPPENED to cause that change.

He was just telling us a month ago (even after he moved out): "I love you guys," rubbing my back in front of the kids, kissing my cheek, etc. ... but now he calls the kids BY NAME when he says, "I love you." (And not only does he leave ME out of that "roll-call," he's also not saying it to my older girls, who he has step-fathered for 12 years.)

I want to think his behavior is just him being "out of his mind" with an addiction ... just the way he's being to justify what he's done ... but I'm having a hard time seeing through that fog myself. This is seriously excruciating.