Take Two ...

[Train]

I just don't get it. I know I'm in a downward spiral right now ... and I'll pull myself out of it quickly ... but I just don't understand. I know I'm not perfect. I know I obviously wasn't "enough" when he needed it. But after being SO incredibly loyal to him, especially in the face of what happened in 2005 ... literally standing by him like a freakin' dedicated pit bull ... and birthing two of his children ... how can he just turn on me/our family like this? This seemingly easily (besides his confusion at first, when he was still staying here and in my bed)? With no warning?

I just don't understand how he can be so freaking HATEFUL toward me all of a sudden. Even when he was cheating and still here, he was mean about me in texts, but he was extremely nice and loving to my face!

I know couples who have divorced (heck, I know some who have even CHEATED) that NEVER talked about their spouses the way he has spoken about me to OW. They've had nothing but kind, respectful things to say about one another - even to their OP - because, at the very least, their spouses are the father/mother of their children. I mean, I've known people in EAs who don't even talk about their spouses to one another. Why is the bad-mouthing necessary? Why is the meanness necessary? To justify what they're doing in their own minds?

I'm the one who's being cheated on and abandoned with 4 kids who are heart-broken, and I STILL talk about the positive things he did as a H ... and what an amazing father he is.

I'm not an awful, mean person. I have a HUGE, forgiving heart. He KNOWS this about me. But he is literally using that to his advantage right now, ripping my heart out and stomping on it over and over and over. EXACTLY the way he did in 2005. A carbon copy. And WHYYYYYYY?? (I hate that question and feel I'm in the cast of Steel Magnolias right now, just asking it with that tone of voice.)

So, who's the dummy? Him? ... Or ME?