I need some insight. My MIL was texting me today and we were just having a light conversation. Then she texted "Promise me you 2 will always stay together. I come from a broken home. Full recovery never comes about, even as old as I am." I asked her if she thought we were having problems. Her response was "she(W) has a broader spectrum of emotions than you. As a result when she is offended it lasts longer and is more intense. Hence, she doesn't feel like trying much with your boys. She feel like she raised them and they turn around and give their bio-mom first priority."
I texted her "I understand and for this I'm truly sorry. I don't know what it's like to raise someone else's children. I think every child would feel the same - towards the bio-parent. Doesn't make it right or wrong - just is."
Back to light texting/conversation.
I didn't text her this (just background info). W is angry about things that happened with sons from many years ago. They are grown now, self supporting and live on their own in other states.
I probably should have STFU when I got home from work, after putting our S to bed I asked W if she had said anything about our stitch to her mom. She told me she did not and asked why is she talking to you about that anyway. I told her I have a close relationship with her mom and we talk about many things. I have not told her (MIL) about anything. (which is true) W said I wish you would stop talking to my mom.
I think my W would feel pressure from her mom if her mom knew she was thinking about D.
Should I stop talking to MIL? I would never tell MIL about stitch b4 W told her or should I? Should I stop talking to my wife if MIL and I continue to talk?
Any thoughts on this or above post?
Thanks in advance for your reply
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Read Sandi rules, youll see one that states clearly not to talk to her family about your R problems.... There are 2 things that might happen...one its your MIL being confronted by your W so the mom will try to calm her down by stopping the conversations with you.... Or the MIL will stop talking to her daughter and your W will add more thing to blame you for in her big trash can full of "reasons to blame my H"
I can say by experience LOL! That dealing with a person who has anger issues from the past can be one of the most frustrating things you will ever deal with, they get in a crazy mood because anger its like poison and they keep poisoning themselves...best thing to do and hard as fvck? Let them be, the more you try to reason with an angry person the more angry they get, once they are angry its like a drug, everything makes them high so they have to be more and more angry and they will use any excuse to be more angry...even the weather will make them more upset....let her find her way to deal with that anger...
Don't talk at all with an angry person, its like removing the ring of a granade and keeping the granade in your hands....it will explode no matter what, if you are not around at least that granade will not hurt you...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
W and MIL don't really talk - W thinks she's strange. I didn't feel that I did get into R talk with MIL, but wondered if she knows about our sitch or was only telling me about her past and how much it hurt her when she went through D while she was growing up.
I see W anger as being a poison too. They sure take it out on the people closest to them. If I shouldn't talk to her while she is angry, I just need to let her be and not talk to her until she can get past it. What if that never happens?
Living separately but in the same house makes this difficult. At times I think D would be the easy way out but not much self growth there. I want to stand for my M and do what needs to be done for myself and son.
Would you look at earlier post's and see if you have any other advice?
Thanks!
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
I see W anger as being a poison too. They sure take it out on the people closest to them. If I shouldn't talk to her while she is angry, I just need to let her be and not talk to her until she can get past it. What if that never happens?
Life its a cycle and for sure it will pass, now here is what you dont want to hear... It will pass and it might happens that she doesn't want to be back with you...
Look cnfused, I know how crazy all this sounds, but she has to walk this path by herself and she doesn't want you to interfere you understand? It has nothing to do with you but she will use every excuse and each of your actions to go against you.... Anger its a dangerous poison, one that murders, one of the most dangerous ones, you would not get in the middle of Hannibal Lecter full of anger right? Thats the way you have to see this, for as long as she is angry, you cant talk to her, acceptance its the key.
Accept that life its giving you time to make things in a different way.
Lets do something interesting, do a list with the 4 priorities you have in your life right now, choose 4 and write them here.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Our son and being able to provide for him spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially.
My emotional well being and good physical health.
Knowing that whatever happens with M that I have done everything I could and never think that I could have or should have done more or something different.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Our son and being able to provide for him spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially.
My emotional well being and good physical health.
Knowing that whatever happens with M that I have done everything I could and never think that I could have or should have done more or something different.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Here I am my friend, now that you said those 4 ones I will show you why you are now a different person than you were before
The moment that turns your values upside down
The characteristics and impact of quantum moments in one’s life are described in Dr Dyer’s book The Shift: From Ambition to Meaning. Quantum moments or epiphanies are admittedly very important in one’s live as they bring enlightenment and transformation. In his best-selling book The Shift: Taking your Life from Ambition to Meaning, Dr W. Dyer describes the characteristics of a quantum moment.
WHAT IS A QUANTUM MOMENT? According to Dr Dyer, quantum moments lead to a more meaningful life. It is said that a quantum moment brings a shift in awareness and leads to personal transformation. A person, who experiences a quantum moment, moves from an ego -driven life perspective to a spiritual balanced and more authentic life.
A quantum moment has four qualities as described in the book Quantum Changes: When Epiphanies and Sudden Insights Transform Ordinary lives by Miller and C’de Baca:
It is vivid and intense; once one experiences a quantum moment, it stays with him/her for ever. It is surprising, unexpected, uninvited and unforeseen; it comes from a collaboration of synchronicity and serendipity that astonish people; for one to experience a quantum moment, he/she needs to surrender; he/she needs to be ready and then the quantum moment may occur. Dr Dyer supports that a quantum moment happens often after a fall in life. It is benevolent: peaceful and blissful, serene. It is enduring: it never goes away. VALUES BEFORE AND AFTER A QUANTUM MOMENT Dyer presents the result of a research over the ranking of the most valued personal characteristics for men and women before and after they have experienced a shift of consciousness, or quantum moment in their lives.
Before the shift or quantum moment when men where in their ego/ambition time, they valued more:
wealth/making money, sense of adventure, sense of achievement, personal pleasure, to be respected. After the shift, while awakening and entering the meaning time of their lives, they valued :
spirituality/relationship to God (before very low in the list), personal peace, family, God’s will, honesty. Accordingly, the most valued personal characteristics for women before the shift were:
family, sense of independence, career, fitting in, being attractive. After the shift, they valued more:
personal growth, self esteem, sense of spirituality, happiness, generosity. QUANTUM MOMENTS HELP PEOPLE TO LIVE THEIR DHARMA According to Dr Dyer, quantum moments help people fulfil their Dharma. It is argued that people should live in the process and not in the outcome of things, and that they should be in the moment. Dyer urges people to have the ambition to fulfil their Dharma, and get rid of their attachments to the material stuff.
Abraham Joshua Heshel said that a meaningful life is a life of value to someone else. Albert Schweitzer also said that people should raise their natural relation to the world to a spiritual one so they can learn to think how God thinks. Dyer says that if people extend “a how may I serve attitude to the universe”, the universe will extent “a how may I serve you attitude to them”.
According to Tao, people should dissolve all ties to duality, conflict and dogma along with their shallow ambitions. Dr Dyer says that if people connect to their energy and to the divine realm through high awareness and practice of undiscriminating virtue, they will bring the transmission of the ultimate subtle truths of the universe. He argues that people should dissolve all ties to the material world and connect to the divine realm so they can receive guidance from the divine.
FIND MEANING AND GUIDANCE Dr Dyer shows the importance of a quantum moment so people can shift to meaning and spirituality and live in harmony with everything and everyone around. Dyer teaches that happiness and meaning is a matter of attitudinal energy that is generated within ourselves, and the best way to release this energy is by practicing kindness and selflessness.
Congratulations Cnfussed you are experiencing "the shift" just look at the 4 priorities you gave me
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
