Just my 2 cents....What it sounds like you are proposing is more of an ultimatum than a boundary. If H does x, then he can have Y. If you read through these boards, especially the vets in MLC, a boundary is put in place to protect you and not to achieve a given result. To take it a step further, the most successful boundaries are the ones that are put up without telling the other person a thing about them.
You have boundaries....Your problem has been putting them into affect, so they are basically useless. You H has basically free run to show up at your house and get family time as his schedule allows. Now I do agree that family time is important, but there hasn't been a line drawn in the sand. So in essence, your H gets his family time with you and the boys at HIS schedule while getting his fun time with the OW. So this limbo is in reality of your making. You haven't taken away unfettered family time even though you know fun time is with the OW.
If you decide to get out of the game, start accepting the reality of your separation, and draw that line in the sand....Then his limbo will become more defined without an ultimatum. He will have to look at his life and decide what is important to him. You don't control his choice (in affect what your IC proposed) but you do control yourself.
The harsh reality is....if things keep going the way they are in the future he will not be able to show up whenever he wants. He will need to get the boys, take them to his place, and spend time with them. Maybe still a game night or something, but not hanging out at 3B's place....as that is your place. That is a result of his choice, not yours.....but right now he doesn't have to deal with that choice because you haven't enforced your boundaries....Which he has no need to know of....They are your boundaries.
Thanks LFW and gabbysmom! When my IC suggested it I was immediately uncomfortable with the idea. All along I have said that I want my H to make choices on his own because he wants to not because he feels pressure to do it.
I think that I need to find a new IC. My IC is fine to just talk to and vent but she has yet to provide any great advice. The advice that I have gotten on these boards has been a million times more useful.
The lack of good solution based therapists is crazy especially given the fact that I live near a major city. It actually makes me want to go back to school to become a therapist to help people in my exact situation.
3b, have you spoken with your DB coach recently? I feel like she (he?) was the one who helped you to set the boundaries in the first place.
I know you have been enforcing some of the boundaries, but your H still seems like he is a crazy cake eater.
I agree with LFW and GM - perhaps your C's advice would be helpful if you and H were both committed to working on your M. But you are well beyond that. Like the others said, you can't (and don't want to, I assume) control what he does. You need to focus on what YOU do.
If your H is not going to commit to coming back, do you feel you need to move forward with your life, as a separated woman? If so, what do you need to do to make that happen?
When you take away the hope that, by these actions, you are somehow making him want to get back together with you, do YOU really want to have family day every Sunday? Do you want his visits with the kids to be at your house? Etc.
BTW, I am sorry if I missed this somewhere along the line, but I don't think I have ever known whether your H's EA is still just an EA, or a PA? Aside from working closely together, what is your H's R with the OW?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
BTW, I am sorry if I missed this somewhere along the line, but I don't think I have ever known whether your H's EA is still just an EA, or a PA? Aside from working closely together, what is your H's R with the OW?
My H claims that his R with the OW never crossed the line into a PA. He claims that it has always been an EA. The OW's life was falling apart and he liked being there to pick her up and make things better. Not sure if I can believe him, though my gut is that he is telling the truth.
quote=labug]What's your goal, 3B? What do you want in this particular situation? How can you get there? [/quote]
I thought a lot about this over the past week. I decided that what my H currently had to offer me was not enough. I did not want a 8th of a R with him. I was tired of eating the crumbs that he was willing to throw at me. Things were really tense between us this past week and I could tell that we were both making things worse and felt like we were playing this weird game. So I asked my H to talk yesterday. I explained that what he was willing to offer was not enough and that I did not want a partial R with him. I pretty just reiterated the boundaries that I had set months ago but failed to enforce. I told him that I only wanted to discuss the kids/finances. I decided to keep Sunday as family day for the benefit of the kids.
My H asked me several times what had happened in the past couple of days/weeks that led to me to want to make these changes. There was not one thing in particular. It was simply a gut feeling that I needed to make a change. The conversation was hard and I definitely teared up a few times.
A little while later, I asked H if he had made any additional plans regarding his living arrangements. H confirmed that he did have an option to move, but he had not made a final decision yet. H's friend currently rents out his townhouse (in my current neighborhood) and is in the process of kicking out the tenants. H's friend offered to let him rent the townhouse without signing a lease. H would move in mid May.
The moment those words came out of my H's mouth, something switched in my heart. I am pretty sure that I even saw the walls fly right back up to protect myself. I am not even sure how to explain it. In one instant, I simply let go.
We talked for four hours after he mentioned moving. I did not cry once. Not even one tear in my eye, which is in sharp contrast to pretty much every other conversation. I know that I can enforce the boundaries now and move on with my journey. No more second guessing. No regrets. I let down my walls a little to confirm that there really is still a connection between us. But this is my H's problem and his journey and H needs to figure himself out.
H said a few things that surprised me and showed that he is looking inside himself. H admitted that he is completely self-absorbed. He talked about the past two years and how he was so focused on myself and his own needs that he did not even realize the damage that he was causing to others. He said that he is working hard in therapy to try and figure out how to change this. I am proud of my H for sticking with counseling and really digging deep. I am sure that it is really difficult for a self-absorbed person to even realize that they are self-absorbed.
H also talked a lot about how I have changed and he was pretty much right on. H mentioned joining a men's prayer group at church. H talked about how his drinking and partying has vastly decreased. H mentioned that his IC told him that he is immature and makes immature decisions.
H's IC told him that he needs to start making some hard decisions and can live in limbo in his parents house forever. H acknowledges that he is not as happy as he thought he would be after leaving. So as I suspected, he is going to change locations to see if that makes him happier. Because he is still not far along on his journey to know that an external source will not provide happiness. H says that he needs to see what it would look like to actually live alone...to come home to an empty house, to cook and clean on his own. He fees like this option is not permanent because there is no lease and he can leave as soon as he finds replacement tenant (my H is a realtor so that should be easy for him).
My guess is that if this new place does not provide him with happiness, he will need to date to see if that provides him the happiness he is desperately searching for. I think that he just needs to check these items off his list before making a commitment.
He fees like this option is not permanent because there is no lease and he can leave as soon as he finds a replacement tenant (my H is a realtor so that should be easy for him). H does not want to tell the kids about this place. He only intends to buy a mattress for himself and nothing else.
This morning, I oddly feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was prepared to set the boundaries and move forward with my life. I feel like God knew the path lying ahead of me and wanted me to dig deep in advance so I was prepared.
I am so blessed to have found this site. I have no idea where I would be without you all!!
3B all I can say its one thing, your self steem its getting back to the normal levels, I dont see nothing to be cautious about what you did, you did one of the most important things you could it done for yourself, you took care of yourself, you expressed what you need and want and that my friend its one of the biggest steps you will ever take, the universe its going to show how important is what you did. You are on wheels, moving forward and a steady pace towards your goal, being the best you, and that my friend its huge, really really big!!! Congrats to you, when our SPouse BD us we get in the fixing mood trying to fix everything and take care of all "their demands" for what we did "wrong" here is the curious part, in that proccess we tell ourselves subsconsciently hey hold on on your needs, lets focus in what SPOUSE wants and see how we can give them that.... Then we areive to this forum and we realize that in this divorce busting process we have forgot a part that we never tought it was important...you guess that part?
Yes that part its ourselves, what we want and what we need, and one day we work towards that, accept the situation and accept our spouse and we focus in ourselves and amanzingly everything starts to make sense and wow now we are ready to forgive and move on... Thats the path 3B, the only path who could bring you a new relationship with your H or other people, because you have found what 3b wants and needs, and you are not going to give up that for nobody
Congrats again and a pleasure to read you!! Keep strong!!
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
As for what happened in our conversation with the H.....You got the reality slap. While you two were living the quasi family setup, you weren't grasping 100% of the current situation. Your H then showed you the current reality in that he is looking for his own place....and has one lined up. You responded excellent to this admission too....You removed motion...Listened...validated....and had a productive conversation instead of an emotional charged brouhaha.
Good Job 3B....Way to go!!!
One word of caution....Live in the present and don't predict the future.
I suggest reviewing your boundaries in light of the current situation. Family Sundays seems fun, but what concerns me is that your H is not going to show the kids his place. I feel that may be some sort of overt manipulation to keep seeing the kids in the house instead of taking them somewhere. Your H sounds like an excellent father, but 3 boys is one heck of a load to handle on his own (Honestly I am totally impressed how easily you seem to handle it). I think a very good step in his growth would be handling the boys on his own outside of the house.....a reality slap of his own. Think about that one!
You are doing great 3B.....I see you making substantial life changes and you get a pat on the back from me for that
