when I asked if she meant for me to move out, she responded with " I don't know".
You DO NOT move out, but you do give her space.
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She said she left hints, and admitted she is bad about stopping and confronting. She swallows the hurt until she can't keep it down any longer.
This is common. She feels she is communicating but spouse doesn't recognize what she is saying. She will try and try unsuccessfully in the wrong language until she gives up and walks away.
Be prepared for blunt advice here. Do not be offended by it, we are trying to help. We will speak whatever language it takes to get through to you. This is your third round. If you haven't read Venus/Mars, you should. I think if everyone read it, there would be a sharp decrease in WAWs. It won't do you any good right now, but put it on your list for a time when you need to understand what she is saying in a normal relationship.
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Friends I am sure will talk to her to console her, but fear what else might be told to her as 'advice'. I know she needs a break from US...to just forget her troubles for a weekend. I just hope that she returns more ready to work on things than more ready to break things off.
She will gravitate toward people who comfort her and tell her what she wants to hear. They will want her to be happy, and many people think that D is a remedy, so they will suggest it. You cannot control that in any way. You will drive yourself absolutely nuts if you worry about what others will advise her. You can't control that, so focus on you. And don't hate them for it. They only want her to be happy. And much farther down the line, you may find they were rooting for you all along.
You will be told repeatedly to DETACH. That is your biggest job right now. You must let go of her every movement and statement and stop hyper-analyzing it. You will not be able to deal with this objectively and rationally as long as you are hanging on her every word. And if you deal with it emotionally, you will not make your situation better.
She has asked for space. GIVE HER SPACE. In the meantime, learn to control your own emotions, so that you aren't reacting to everything she does. Focus on you, you, you.
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I struggle with sandi's rules as I want so much to talk to her about everything.
The rules are guidelines, but are pretty well proven out. I'd bet everyone here has broken a rule and regretted it. Sure you want to talk, but she may not be willing to listen, and if you do, you can drive her away. Speak when spoken to, and then, just validate. No confrontation. Don't initiate conversations about R - she might not be comfortable with that.
If you think about it, you want her to be as comfortable talking to you as she is talking to those people you are afraid will give her bad advice. They are doing more listening than talking.
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With each engagement or sign of connecting from her I become more desperate to toss aside the rules. I fear being too aloof might cause her to separate even more.
OK, now I see where your question came from. If you follow the rules, then with each engagement, you are validating what she says, AND NOTHING MORE. You aren't challenging her with any ideas you might have. Stow those. If you only validate, you will do the least harm. Validation is not aloofness. Even if you disagree with whatever she says, you must acknowledge that that is the way SHE feels. Just shut up, but pay close attention to what she is saying. She is telling you exactly where her perception differs from yours. These are things you will have to work on to close the gap in your thinking.
