[BrightFuture]

Thanks Busting, Job, and TL. It is great to come here and find posts that validate what I’m also thinking. I get discouraged sometimes, and it is good to hear other opinions. I cannot get it anywhere else, because my family and my friends would immediately jump to a conclusion that there is nothing I should be hoping for and I should D him already.

Job, it always amazes me how you are right on the topic and right with your predictions. I had the similar feelings and thoughts that after trying to avoid any contact with me for months (because he didn’t want to hurt me, LOL) he just could not help it but to be around me on that weekend. And then he got scared that he let his “guard down”. I could not describe it better than this.

TL, I actually I do enjoy the distance. And I feel more confident every day that I will be just fine without him. I have my moments sometimes, and this is where this board is very helpful.

I just re-read the e-mail that my GF (mutual friend from vacation home place) sent to me a few days ago. She mentioned that some our other mutual friends were visiting for a few days. And it just hit me... These are the people I spent a weekend with back in October, who I went to the hike with (where I held a tarantula) and then played golf with (for the first time in my life – actually played the course.) I’m absolutely sure H spent some time with them last week. And I’m almost certain they told him about that weekend in October and how much fun we all had. These friends a two couples who like me a lot and who were shocked to find out when H left.

So, this could be another insult to the injury for H, LOL. He must have been processing all this info. I’m dying to find out about how it went with them.

[BrightFuture]

OK, I won the silence contest, LOL. Received an e-mail from H today. He started with asking “how is everything?” I went through his older e-mails and he never asked that before. Then he asked if the taxes were ready for his signature. Duh, I told him when I saw him last time and he even said that he would need to make a trip to the city to sign the tax return. Why is he asking again?

Then he is asking me to cut him a paycheck from the company. Wow, he waited until now for this. We normally do payroll on the 15th of the month. He is lucky that I didn’t send the tax report to state that there was no payroll this quarter. So, he wants a paycheck to help to sustain him until the time when he needs to go to work again.

Then he lets me know that he transferred money to my account (for the condo mortgage.) He calls it “your account”, different from last time when he called it “joint account”. Well, it was in the voice mail, this time he had time to think about how to call it, hehe.

Then he tells me that if I need a paycheck for me (because I told him that I would need a paycheck in order to renew my fast lane pass for border crossing, which is expiring in a couple of months), then I can do the payroll to me and then deposit it into his account. I guess he remembered what I told him about my fast lane pass after all. He then says that “If we need to talk about it, just give me a shout.” “Hope all is well”.

So, I need some advice here. It looks like he was either hesitant to contact me until now, or he was waiting for me to contact him. Or, another thing he might have been busy going back into some replay activities. I’m pretty sure though that he spent some time with the friends I mentioned earlier. And these are good people, nothing close to his drinking/partying crowd. Well, these people can party too, but it is different. It should not have distracted H from handling his usual business with me though.

My thoughts are (well, you can call them speculation) that the race weekend made some impact on H. If he would have no emotion, he would be doing the business as usual – Paycheck on time, make sure that tax return is signed (he knows there will be some return money.) So, something made him uncomfortable, so he didn’t contact me. Could it be that he was waiting for me to contact him to see if I would have enough interest to resume the communication? Do I need to make a step towards him? Do I need to make an effort to actually call him, or continue with the e-mails?

[job]

Bright,
He had some things going on here: 1) he was most likely busy and didn't think about the taxes and a paycheck and now that he's running out of money, he contacted you; and 2) the weekend scared him and he backed up a bit.

As for the taxes, their memories aren't the greatest and he knew you had the taxes ready and most likely forgot to contact you about them, then again, he knows that you would normally contact him. Your silence threw him this time around.

I would reply back to him via email and thank him for whatever he's done in the way of deposits, etc. I wouldn't call him unless I had a problem...continue as you have been because it appears to be working.

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, job. I don’t think he forgot about taxes. When I told him that taxes were ready, I also told him that if I come for the festival at the end of the months I will bring them with me. He said that the festival is on the same weekend as our annual 5K run here at the city. Then I told him that I might not come for the festival then. I think he told me to let him know, so if I don’t come he will drive over here to sign the taxes. Oh my, I just remembered, this is what actually happened, so he must have been waiting for me to let him know. I guess, I have a memory problem too, just like a MLCer, LOL.

Well, I just drafted an e-mail to him, letting him know that he needs to sign the tax return. I also gave him the amount for the car insurance (his portion), since he chose to remain on a joint policy and it is due in a couple of weeks. Then I gave him some numbers on the company (I’ve got some tax refund.)

I have another question. Do I need to keep this e-mail business like, or should I be more personal. What I mean is I use all the neutral terms, like “there is a bill”, “the taxes are to be received”. Should I insert “we” more, like “we have an insurance bill”, “we will get more tax refund”? I feel silly asking this, but sometimes people see my situation better from outside. I would appreciate any feedback, hopefully before I send this e-mail tonight.

[Portia]

Hey Bright,

I don't know if you decided to send to e-mail or sit on it for another night. I tend to do that when I am not sure how to proceed.

I do wish I had some advice for you. Not sure if you have been over to my thread, but I can empathsize with you. At this stage in the game, I find communication quite difficult. Not because I am necessarily trying to get my SO back, but because I have never had to put so much thought into stupid, simple replies.

In any event, FWIW, I might try to insert it for either the taxes or the insurance and see what happens. Maybe nothing. Maybe he won't notice. See if he mirrors your response. Be comfortable with your e-mail, whatever he may answer.

What have you got to lose by experimenting?

And then take his answer for what it is. You did some extreme mind reading a few posts ago, try not to do that to yourself.

If you want to be daring (and you are comfortable with this), maybe ask if he is up for celebrating the tax refund with dinner. I am just throwing that out there, I don't know that I would ask that, but you might feel ready.

Good luck!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Portia,

I sent the e-mail this morning. I left it as it was, just inserted a couple of cheerful sentences. I don’t think I am ready to suggest a dinner. I don’t want him to think that I interpreted that weekend as a sign for reconnection. I let him stew more. If he suggests the dinner or something like that, I will go.

I wanted to badly to go to the vacation home this weekend. There is an annual music festival over there. This also would be a good chance to see if H would want to be around me again. But, the universe made it very difficult for me. My sister is doing the B-day party for her son, who turns 18. I was kind of considering to skip the party, even though I felt that she would be offended. They’ve been supporting me so much during all this time, and I would feel guilty. But then I’ve learnt that my Dad is coming at the end of the week for a visit. Plus, I think I signed up for a 5K run this Sunday. This is something we’ve been doing every year. My BIL (H’s brother) started this tradition, and my son and his GF also participated for a few years. H would not miss this event in the past, but this year he told me that he is not coming, because he is staying for a music festival. This is kind of strange. He always wanted to participate in 5K and connect with some friends and his brother of course. Maybe this year he feels uncomfortable for some reason. I know, mind reading.

Another reason I wanted to go to the vacation home is that I wanted to bring the tax return for him to sign. I would prefer doing this as opposed to him coming here. For some reason I still feel uncomfortable and nervous. I don’t know why I feel this way again. Back in December I was prepared to give him all his possessions that were still in the house. He only took his clothes, and even not all of it. Now, I’m back with anxiety that he might ask about the remaining stuff. I guess that weekend at the vacation home didn’t do me any favors. I got my hopes up and started clinging to the rope again. I need to let it go.

Oh, and my friends from vacation home called me yesterday. They are going for a trip to male’s friend’s home country in a couple of weeks and want to spend a few days with me in the city. So, they were trying to make some arrangements for that and before that and mentioned my H driving them to the border at some point for my GF to get her passport. I didn’t quite understand the whole story, but my male friend was asking me about the taxes and if they were ready for H to sign. Their arrangements were dependent on my H’s driving here. So, I guess H shared this info with them. And now I’m thinking that H either forgot or didn’t pay attention when I told him that the taxes were ready. It could be that he was just playing a little and didn’t want them to know the truth. I know, mind reading again.

I think I can expect H this week or next week. I need to be prepared mentally.

[job]

Bright,
You are mind reading quite a bit today. I know you want answers, but the man upstairs isn't ready to reveal them to you just yet. Sit quietly and be patient, the answers will come when you least expect them.

I would go to the B-party and enjoy myself. Do the run and be proud of yourself for doing it. Your h isn't going any where and if he does show up, treat him as you would a long lost relative.

Keep the focus on you and the upcoming activities. You have friends coming to visit and that should be fun. Leave the mind reading to the man upstairs.

[BrightFuture]

Job, thanks for reminding me once again about the patience. I have to remember this, about treating H like a long lost relative. I like this comparison.

You said that H is not going anywhere. Yes, not now. But he will be going for work in another month or two. I think in two months, considering how much money he wanted to be paid. And then I will not see him until next December. So, in a way, he is going somewhere and I will not see him. So, I will probably have no other chances being around him until next year. But, you are right, maybe it is how it supposed to be anyway.

I will definitely enjoy the friends. Plus, I’m sure they will tell more details about H. I hope they are positive once.

Thanks again for stopping by and strengthening my thoughts, I feel better now.

[BrightFuture]

Update. H responded to my e-mail today. Started with “Hi Bright, that is all good news. I trust your calculations, so go forward with that.” This means he trusts me calculating the company tax refund towards what I made, so it is my money that I can pay me. He then tells me that he will be here on Monday to sign the personal tax return, and that he needs to check on the insurance on the car and truck, he said that the car should be liability only. I guess he is truly calculating his money and thinks that he can lower the insurance. He finished the e-mail with “See you Monday”.

I hope he doesn’t come until later on Monday. My Dad will be staying with me for a few days. I assume he will want to go to my sister’s. She hasn’t really discussed this with me, but I think that this is going to be the case. My sister has another relative at her house right now and he is living on Monday, I think. So, I will need to make sure I drive my Dad to my sister’s on Monday, even if for a day. I don’t want my Dad here when H comes. Just too much stress for me.

I don’t why I dread H coming to the house. I just don’t have any more energy for anything these days, and this is going to drain the rest of it. Sometimes I wish that it would all be over already one way or another.

[Portia]

Bright,

If you don't want him there until a certain time, I think it is appropriate for you to ask him to come later in the day. You are already going to be dealing with family stress, why pile more on worrying about when he is going to pop by.

Simply tell H you have guests in the morning and then give him a time that works for you. He might also appreciate that in case there are business things he wants to discuss with you. Maybe he would rather not be there when your family is there, either.

I don't like waiting, so I would set a time that would stress me out the least.

Absolutely agree with you. I wish to be done with all of this, too.