Divorce on the table, Hoping for Miracle 2

[Groov]

Update,

W is scheduling mediation today. It will probably be a month or so until it happens.

Talked with a db coach last week and she asked me to see if W was willing to call her. Said to approach it as that the DB coach wants to know both sides of the "pancake" so she can help me out through this.

I asked W and she gave me the 20 questions on this. I made a mistake by skirting around using the words divorce busting coach. She called me on it and told me that this was one of the problems and thinks I am manipulative by not telling the whole truth. To be honest I was afraid... this is so hard!

Well, a couple of days later she writes an email that wants to get things moving along mediation wise. She also wants to be able to sit down before mediation and Ideally negotiate things so we don't need to pay for a mediator. Her tone in the email was different and not so threatening as the previous emails.

I took a stand, I have nothing to lose. I want at least half time with my kids, I want fair treatment, I am willing to liquidate everything for a "clean break". I am willing to pay fair child support and alimony as the law dictates. This came across in my email response to her. To be honest I decided to not be afraid of losing the marital home, or anything else. I decided to not give into fear. I wish I could say that I have pure love in my heart... I am working on that.

W while changing her tone did agree to talk to the DB coach, "As long as it is not a session for me and a last chance at reconciliation"

On a positive spin... This is the first time I have heard or seen the word reconciliation be used by W...

So as of today, I gave the go ahead on her setting up mediation with an agreed upon mediator. Set up the phone call with the db coach for next Monday night.

I will be seeing W as I pick up the kids tonight for the weekend. I have decided to be playful and a great listener in all my interactions with W from this point on. Also I will be strong, honest, authentic, and loving. I have been learning a lot about myself and truly want to be a great man. I no longer desire to be on W's roller coaster. Or focusing on her moods, actions and life.

I am going through this, Hell or highwater. Not around not over not under but through. I am getting stronger and stronger in this. I am facing demons. Mostly I am accepting the darkness in me and not having Shame. This is my god given life the darkness and the light. I no longer want to seek approval for feigning a perfect exterior. I no longer need approval. I just want to be ok with me as I am rough edges and all.

Thanks for listing my DBing friends. Keep up the good and valuable work.

Groov