Zew, I would suggest that you each maintain a separate checking account, and then continue to have the joint account as well. Agree on a set allocation, based on your incomes, that the two of you will contribute to the joint (family) account.
Ok, so right now, there are NO joint accounts, and I have the only income (so far), mortgage, car loan, and all utilities. I pay my CC, which is largely gas and family dining. I pay the CC in her name. Her CC spending covers her clothes, kids clothes, groceries, dining out for her and kids. And now, all her work expenses.
So yes, we could establish a joint account to be contributed to by each. I proposed this. She complained that this wasn't good enough, it still did not give her access/visibility to everything I had. (claimed she was afraid of what would happen if I died, she would have no access to money)
I also conditioned my willingness to create joint accounts on her committing to M and being open and honest with me. I mean let's face it, there is now a major trust issue here. She is not willing to be honest (about A) so she dropped the subject.
But yes, let's dispense with the "access to everything" request. That's for a day full of trust way down the road.
So a joint account could be established that we both contribute to. Not what she wants, but let's say I do this without the condition attached. This is a sign of good faith, a 180, an "I heard you", sort of. An opportunity to get a more equitable, responsible money mechanism into our M. My income is steady. Hers is commission based. That makes it hard to come up with a contribution ratio.
Then there's the issue of what gets paid for from said account. I like paying mortgage, utilities, car loan because those are in my name and my credit is based on that. I don't want to default on any of those. I also want to ensure that we are housed and warm. I considered just giving her the budgeted monthly amount that I currently pay on her card, and making her card her responsibility. And if she stopped buying groceries, well, that would be a problem.
W has spending issues. She has had several cards over the years, that I came to know about much later, where she maxed them out, ditched them, and then got taken to court by the collectors, then defaulted on those payment plans. She has a card right now where she is going to be taken to court. I asked her 5 months ago to go over it with me and we'd come up with a plan. She has so far declined. Again, she won't because she sees it as me being paternal and treating her like a child. (I can't win.) So, when I happened to answer a phone call from a collector 2 months ago, with M in the shape it was, I decided I would not press the issue with her; I would not rescue her. So W acts totally irresponsibly, then accuses me of a paternalistic attitude.
So if I create a joint cash account, I know how she will spend at least some of the money. She will pay down spending I am totally unaware of. And she did comment to her gf one day after BD - "Should I get him to pay off my bills?" And this is why I attached the condition. If you want to be treated like an adult, then dammit, cut the crap and sit down at the table.
Time for brutal honesty: How do I know I love my wife? She has TESTED me. I am operating on the notion that she knows some bounds and that these things can be fixed. But what does it say about our R that she spent on cards I didn't know about? And that when in money trouble, she faced the court instead of me? And now she turns to OM instead of me? And this: "Should I get him to pay off my bills?"
And when I list these things in this way, understand that none of it is lost on me.
