Husband's porn addiction and my affaire

[jp787]

JP, thanks for your response. Your advise is greatly appreciated. Yes, indeed I realize the only variable I have a control over, is myself. I have to either adapt myself to deal with my H, or find a way to get of this situation.

On a different note: I read one of your earliest posts where you mentioned that you were addicted to online porn. I have two questions related to this issue:
1) Did your porn addiction affect your relationship with your wife or was this addiction kept secret from your wife?

My addiction affected my life, her life and our children’s life. I was in an inpatient program in a hospital with people who were going through divorce, depression, anxiety and then there was me for porn. I was nineteen and meet a man who was going through a divorce and we became friends, my wife was his middle daughter. Yes she knew about my issues. I did try to hide the extent and time involved, but she knew.

2) If she was aware of it, then did she feel hurt with this knowledge?

As mentioned above it wasn’t a dark secret that she found out after we were married. She thought she could fix it, that our relationship, our love would make everything better. I took advantage of this and used her, I don’t think I was doing it maliciously, but it happened. We became so codependent it was scary.
Once we married and a little time passed, yes she became hurt. Yes to all of your thoughts. She assumed that she wasn’t good enough, that she wasn’t pretty, smart, skinny enough. That she didn’t try hard enough and on and on.
The use of porn when you are in a relationship (as you well know) will cripple the other partner with believing they are not good enough in many ways.
That said it is an addiction for me, thus it is not because my wife is not pretty, not good, not what I want. It is very difficult to explain or understand. It leaves one feeling very empty inside.

3) What caused you to pursue the use of pornography while you were married to a woman you obviously love so much. Was your wife lacking in looks or attractiveness?

I am still trying to find that answer and it was a problem prior to meeting my wife. It was a problem that I had when I was in HS dating. It became less intense while I was with another person, yet always there. Just as drugs give you an artificial high, so does porn. It taints real pleasure just like a drug.

I am just trying to understand if the hurt I felt because of my H's porn addiction is shared by other wives of porn addicts.
Absolutely.