Take Two ...

[Train]

Holy crap. Stellar points, Starsky.

That makes more sense.

H asked me about an hour after he left today if I needed all the things out of his garage for a specific purpose. I told him no. That it is just difficult and confusing for all of us to see him pop by every day. He says he understands and will work to get it all wrapped up in one day soon. I probably should have said something more profound. But I couldn't think of anything.

I think, in an A sitch, boundaries are warranted and not validation. I really don't know what other boundaries I can enforce besides:

1. You can't have OW *and* me.
2. If we are separated, we need to be separated. We need to set our schedule for visitation with the kids ... and stick to it. Period. Otherwise, we are separate from one another.

This is in the best interest of my PMA. And hopefully it causes the demise - sooner than later - of the A. Only at that point will H be willing to talk with me about what happened in our M. And THAT is when I can validate.

Does that sound about right?

[Starsky309]

Both of those sound reasonable to me.

Mine were:

1. No spending family finances on your affair (cellphone, cosmetic surgery) -- those would have to come out of her paycheck.

2. No texting or calling OM from inside our marital home, and DEFINITELY not in front of the kids!

3. If you're going to stay out past 11:30pm, don't bother coming home at all (she had come home at like 2am -- twice -- and so I squashed that).

4. I will not live in an open marriage (you cannot have us both).

[Train]

Is it fair of me, in your opinion, to set a "no texting OW around the kids" boundary when he's not even living here?

Tough to set a boundary that I can't enforce.

[Starsky309]

I do think it's fair, but if you can't enforce it, it's probably not going to work.

[Train]

Yep. Can't enforce it. So might as well not throw that one out.

H came by to get the kids. He was in a much better mood than at lunch. I asked him if the rest of his day was better. He said he was approached by his boss today and asked what's wrong. He says he replied: "I'm mind-f---ed. Going through a divorce."

He knows I've gone to a L, but in a very natural segue, I used what he said as an opportunity to FINALLY say:

"I have not yet filed. I told you I'd like to wait until at least June - when I think I'll be thinking more clearly - to make any major decisions; that includes filing for divorce. I want to make sure I am thinking clearly, and I am trying to make sure I have my children at the forefront of every decision I make."

He hesitated and said: "The courts will make sure they're provided for."

I told him I'm thinking about far more than financial stability for our kids, but that I think I will be thinking more clearly by June. I reiterated I don't *want* a divorce right now. I explained that there are two of us in this R, though, and he can file if he wants to, and there are certainly ways he could force ME to file before then.

He said waiting until June is fine.

He also changes his mind like he changes his underwear.

I reiterated, in a natural place in the conversation, that I have no desire to talk about anything relevant to our R or M until or unless he has ended his A with OW.

We had a beer together, and he left.

And I am letting go of the outcome ...

[Train]

I feel I'm beating my head against a wall.

JUST after talking to H yesterday about needing him to plan one day to move instead of showing up here so often - because it's confusing and difficult to see him all the time - he brings the kids home last night and said: "I told S7 that I'd start picking him up for a couple hours one day a week to hang out, just him and me."

And I kind of lost my cool. I asked if he meant in addition to the two days a week he's already getting the kids. He said yes.

I said no way.

THIS is him trying to eat cake, right? He wants his A, *and* he wants his family. He walked out. He needs to know what he's done. He needs to feel what he's done. He doesn't get to keep one foot in my door and one foot in her you-know-what. (Sorry. That's a wayyyy twisted and unnecessary visual.) :P

The conversation got a little heated. H said, "We'll just let the courts decide." I said, "That's fine, if we can't come to an agreement. But I promise I'm being wayyyyy more accommodating than the courts will be." He said he doesn't feel comfortable having the kids sleep over at the place he's currently living; probably because there are no freaking beds. He said he needs to get his own place before he can get them every other weekend. So I said: "Fine. Then keep getting them one evening a week and every Sunday until you have your own place. But I'm not comfortable adding more days right now. You keep adding days at this rate, and you might as well just move back in!!" (Note: there's that danged sarcasm again.)

I feel guilty when I think of my S7. I know he needs time with his dad; they have always been the best of buds. But I didn't make this call. I didn't make the decision to step out on my family. And *I* need some peace around here. The only way I have found peace in the past month is after I have not seen H or heard from him for a few consecutive days.

I explained to H that we need to settle on a firm schedule with the kids and stick to it. That this was his choice and now he needs to go live his life and get out of ours until agreed-upon times with the kids.

I looked at him and said: "What do you WANT???" And he peeled out. He texted me about 15 minutes later, though: "I get what you're saying." I just responded: "Thank you for understanding."

Am I wrong here? Is it fair to place boundaries involving the kids? I don't want my children to suffer. I don't want to put them in the middle. That is the LAST thing I want to do; I only want the absolute best for them, which I believe is having their mother and father TOGETHER in ONE HOME. But that's not possible right now. And I know my H loves our kids more than anything in the entire world. But, in a fog, he chose OW over his kids, too.

He needs to live with that decision. And feel every. single. bit. of it.

Right?!?

Or am I wrong?

[Starsky309]

You are right. And exactly for the reasons you state.

Stand firm.


Starsky

[twinmom]

I agree with you 100% I am in the same situation where husband wants to see kids every morning and put them to bed most nights. (She lives on the same street just 3 blocks down) my db coach said he has never seen a walk away husband come back due to punishment but I think maybe it needs to just be done in a non punishing/this ifs just the way it has to be kinda way to make them feel their choices. I give you credit for being so strong!

[Train]

Thank you, Starsky.

All of a sudden, I feel I'm back on solid ground.

[Train]

Forgot to journal about this; and would love to hear thoughts, especially if I was out of line:

Last night, I was with a friend and stopped by my usual grocery store. Yep, same grocery store OW is employed. I haven't been in there since this all exploded. But in a temporary moment of, um, probably insanity, I decided: This is my town. I've made this place my home since before I even met H. And I need wine. I'm not going to be fearful of staying out of a place.

So I went in. OW is working. And I kid you not: I'm standing in produce, and she steps away from her register and walks toward me and just stops and STARES at me. I continue to the wine, grabbed a bottle, and moved on. I went through a line that she was not working at, and as I was leaving, I FELT her stares, so, yeah, I looked back at her. She was helping someone else, and she literally followed me, with her eyes - SMIRKING!!!!!!! - until I walked completely past her. I just smiled back.

I got in my car, and my girlfriend said: "Omg, Train! She's standing right there!" Sure enough, OW was standing right outside the doors of the grocery store, arms crossed, looking around the parking lot.

I mean, she might as well cock her leg up and pee on H *and* the supermarket.

What class.

Perhaps it's best if I avoid that place, after all ... or maybe I should go back in for a bottle of wine and video her.