3, I know it svcks. I have found that, generally speaking, I don't feel any better after trying to fix something (at least when it comes to my H) after the fact. Sometimes it is better to just let it go.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Life is full of fixing situations...from you H to the boys to politics. Now I will let you in on a little secret....Keep this quiet. When you can let go of the feeling of wanting to fix anything other than yourself....your world will be a better place. People will respect you more and you will become a leader as opposed to a manager.
Like the passage about fish....Give a man a fish and you fix the problem, teach a man to fish and you change his life. Fixing is very much the same thing....When some one is allowed to fix their issue, there perception of what was done is different. How they work the problem is different.
I know....very deep thinking....but I suggest 3B and your readers think about it. It applies to everything from work to raising kids. When people ask me about my laid back parenting style....How I can let them make their own choices freely, I always respond the same....I don't want my kids to make the right decision because they fear me, I want them to make the right decision because they know it is right.
There's little book by Pema Chodron "When Things Fall Apart" (you con't have to be Buddhist for it to connect with you). I truly felt that my world had fallen apart. All the plans we made were gone, money was an issue (I thought), I would never be able to retire, my kids would like him better than me, I was a failure... blah, blah, blah, victim, victim, victim. That book really helped to bring me out of that and to figure out me. It has gotten me through a lot of tough times. It's not long, and you can read one chapter and let it marinate for a couple of days, then read another chapter.
Bug - I just ordered the book! I cant wait to read it. I still struggle with the unfairness of the situation and no longer want to be the victim.
The silence continues. Today was the first day in many months that we did not speak at all. It makes me sad but I know that as the days pass it will get easier. I feel like we have taken a huge step backwards but maybe it was something that needed to happen. Man...I can't remember what it used to be like when life was just normal and easy. It seems like a lifetime ago.
"Man...I can't remember what it used to be like when life was just normal and easy. It seems like a lifetime ago."
Ditto.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Life is way better in the not normal and crazy as heck world LOL.
You are creating your new normal....The hard part is creating it. The fun part is living the normal you created. I am sorry that there was silence, but I will also say that the world did not end did it? You have grown 3B as a few months ago...well the world would have ended.
The silence continues. Today was the first day in many months that we did not speak at all. It makes me sad but I know that as the days pass it will get easier. I feel like we have taken a huge step backwards but maybe it was something that needed to happen. Man...I can't remember what it used to be like when life was just normal and easy. It seems like a lifetime ago.
It's all normal. Let go of the past, it won't be coming back neither the good nor the bad.
After my H's surgery last week, I've had a few internal skirmishes with The Fixer. Usually I want to fix something because I'm uncomfortable, there's unease within me. I don't really know what the other person is feeling or if my fixing will actually make the situation better, I just want my anxiety to go away.
We're fixing junkies.
It's interesting what can happen when we just sit with that anxiety and just observe.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I had IC yesterday. My IC thinks that I should try and break down my boundaries a bit. She said that my H is clearly not ready to cut ties with OW. She suggested that I say that in order to keep the R we have had the past couple months (however you would define it), he needs to take some smaller steps to show that he actually does care and respect me, which he claims to do. Her suggestion was that H agree to not drive in the same car with OW. She thinks that if he agrees it will show that he is doing some work and that he is not just sitting in limbo. She said that if he does not agree then I know that he is really not willing to do anything on his end and that it will help me move forward. She thinks that it will help more than the black or white boundary of "if you have a R with OW, then you can have no R with me."
