Own YOUR part, not her feelings about your part....
I dont underestand this, could you explain it with more details please?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I guess I was, and I guess I am arrogant, I always give my opinion in things.
Did you do those things ???
Yes, I didn't support her in her play, and I was jealous of loosing her for her acting career, I am jealous and insecure and I always need reassurance from everybody. And I always criticize myself, I always think that I am not good enough, and that I don't know how to change those things, and I don't know how to be responsible with money. I always put myself down every time I am not perfect, and I wasn't perfect, I had no idea who I am or whats my purpose in life, I had been so focus on my unhappiness that I couldn't show up for her show, I could not eat my jealousy and understand that it was part of her job to kiss other people. I am tired, tired of not doing nothing properly, that since always and for everybody I always choose the "wrong" thing to do, its my main exercise to fail, it looks from her words that its true, that all I do its being a perfect failure. And I don't know how to change that, I know that no matter how I try its seems I always fail, I could it asked her to work on the M and when I see that she told me all I care is about my papers... Its true, but I could not see the other way around.
I cant see that the proper thing to do was to ask her to work on the marriage. Now again its too late. I have the feeling that I am crazy and my physical brain doesn't work normal so thats why I cant do things differently, that other way of doing things just doesnt appear normal in my brain. After she tells me then it appears as normal, but before she tells me I cant see it as normal. I guess its just who I am, and when someone is like that crazy its better to serve to others instead of trying to form a family, I think that being such a mess its better for me to not get involve with people, because now I see that I am too stupid or to crazy to even handle the basic needs of a R.
I wish I could find a system to change, to not be who I am and be the way she asked me to be, years ago I was a physical abusser and now I dont abusse physically but for what she said I abusse emotionally and as I keep reading in internet and from some people in this forum, that will never change.... And I believe because I could not even see that I was treating her bad
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I guess I was, and I guess I am arrogant, I always give my opinion in things.
Being opinionated and being controlling/fixing are two entirely different things...
Were you trying to fix her ??
How did/do your words affect other people ?
Is she the only one that you have had issue with over the years ???
Originally Posted By: ye21
Originally Posted By: mach
Did you do those things ???
Yes, I didn't support her in her play, and I was jealous of loosing her for her acting career, I am jealous and insecure and I always need reassurance from everybody. And I always criticize myself, I always think that I am not good enough, and that I don't know how to change those things, and I don't know how to be responsible with money. I always put myself down every time I am not perfect, and I wasn't perfect, I had no idea who I am or whats my purpose in life, I had been so focus on my unhappiness that I couldn't show up for her show, I could not eat my jealousy and understand that it was part of her job to kiss other people.
So...your FEAR of something that was unfounded (at the time), actually became a goal that you worked toward ??
Originally Posted By: ye
I am tired, tired of not doing nothing properly, that since always and for everybody I always choose the "wrong" thing to do, its my main exercise to fail, it looks from her words that its true, that all I do its being a perfect failure. And I don't know how to change that, I know that no matter how I try its seems I always fail, I could it asked her to work on the M and when I see that she told me all I care is about my papers... Its true, but I could not see the other way around.
We ALL did the best that we could, with the tools that we had.
Was anything that you did or said intended to harm her ?
Originally Posted By: ye
I cant see that the proper thing to do was to ask her to work on the marriage. Now again its too late. I have the feeling that I am crazy and my physical brain doesn't work normal so thats why I cant do things differently, that other way of doing things just doesnt appear normal in my brain. After she tells me then it appears as normal, but before she tells me I cant see it as normal. I guess its just who I am, and when someone is like that crazy its better to serve to others instead of trying to form a family, I think that being such a mess its better for me to not get involve with people, because now I see that I am too stupid or to crazy to even handle the basic needs of a R.
BS....
It's not "just who I am"...
You can be anything that you want to be...
Originally Posted By: ye
I wish I could find a system to change, to not be who I am and be the way she asked me to be, years ago I was a physical abusser and now I dont abusse physically but for what she said I abusse emotionally and as I keep reading in internet and from some people in this forum, that will never change.... And I believe because I could not even see that I was treating her bad
You do have a system for change...
It's right here, every day...
You just have to open yourself up to it...
Every answer that you are looking for, is inside of you already...
You DO have the power to change and be different...
Yes I was, I was trying to convince her that she could be whatever she wanted to be and at the same time I felt bad when she was acting but didnt told her.
How did/do your words affect other people ?
For what she told me, the really affected her, I am block and I cant see how my words affected others, I just want to see how the words of others affected me, I cant see why others didnt understand what things I went thrue, they didnt understand what I had or was going thrue and everybody wanted me to move on fast from my pains and just be fine, so I never could really dwell on things, I always felt bad for having feelings and dwell and deal with harsh situations.
Is she the only one that you have had issue with over the years ??? No, I had many girlfriends that left me as well.
Was anything that you did or said intended to harm her ?
No, I never had that intention, I was insecure with some of her actions and felt bad for feeling insecure. I just didnt and dont know how to react differently, I always thing I am less than everybody else.
You just have to open yourself up to it...
How can I open myself to that?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
For what she told me, the really affected her, I am block and I cant see how my words affected others, I just want to see how the words of others affected me, I cant see why others didnt understand what things I went thrue, they didnt understand what I had or was going thrue and everybody wanted me to move on fast from my pains and just be fine, so I never could really dwell on things, I always felt bad for having feelings and dwell and deal with harsh situations.
How about from what YOU think ???
I see that you are using the perspective of other people as your base line here...
What are some qualities that YOU feel that you have as well ??
Your base line and integrity HAS to come from within, not what others say or feel about you.
You define who you are, not anyone else....
What are some things that YOU don't like about yourself ??
Wow. That letter from the WAW was intense. It is hard to put oneself in another's shoes. That is why most people have trouble communicating even simple ideas sometimes.
My wife and I are both suffering from insecurities/issues. She doesn't like it when I 'analyze' her....but doesn't everyone take the information they get from someone and use it to form an 'analysis' of what the hell they are talking about/feeling?
IDK, probably best not to listen to my ramblings as my wife's divorce paperwork gets filed next Friday.........
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
How about from what YOU think ??? The way I feel is that what I think and feel as long its not happiness and positiveness basically doesn't matter, and when I am not in that state of feeling happy and positive basically I get rejected, I wish my W could it had wait for me to solve this and walk with me that path but she couldn't, and I am going to express my feelings now, I am scared of saying all this, of expressing how I feel because I think that even you guys will get tired of hear me and will leave me to deal with my own issues and honestly its not that I don't want to fix myself, its just that I don't know how, thats why I am here, I am completely lost all the time not knowing ever what decision to take because I feel always that it will be the wrong one and thats why I relay so much in everybody and not on me, because I don't believe myself, I believe every decision I take its directed towards destruction.
I am always scared of saying how I feel, very few times my feelings were validated, and instead I will always suffer consequences, I sound like a victim and I do believe I am a victim of myself.
What are some qualities that YOU feel that you have as well ??
Here its a great example, I speak 7 languages and I cant be more than a waiter, besides of having experience in restaurants over the world for like 14 years.
I believe I am a hard worker, and punctual, and responsible, but I always depend of what the others think about me, so for example: yesterday I was working in the restaurant and serve cheese to a customer, a little bit of cheese felt on his pants (parmigiano with a machine bringed to the table) and he and his friend started to make fun of me....and at the end thats the way I feel always like a mess, I want a simple life were I can appreciate the things I have, were I don't get hurt anymore but that for me, its the most complicated thing to achieve, I can always be a waiter but I truly doubt that I can ever be anything else, I wish I can have a better life and my W leaving just showed me how much of a loss for myself I am....
I was feeling happier but now I feel it was a lie, because after the email from yesterday I can see what a big lie I live in, I don't like myself in anyway anymore and I am really tired, when I show my feelings there is always somebody there to tell me: dont be a victim or come on bro life its great, stop complaining.
Not my life, my life its not beatiful I can switch and show to others to appreciate life, I can give good advice but when I go back to be with myself I blame my parents and God to put me in this nightmare that its me, a lonely person who cant make any friends, a guy that always ask himself, why I come to work and nobody ask me: how are you? How was your day? And I dont know why when I try to talk to all them I dont know how to do it..
This is so painful, its really awful just to be me, to live the way I live, just hurting others without realizing it. Sorry guys I needed to say all that.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Ye, we love you and we care how you are feeling. We really do. You have been such a benefit to this board. You are only going to become more magnificent with the new knowledge about yourself. Hang in there.
