Hahahhaahaha Not at all, willing to exchange W for happy life
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Ye, never say never Anything can and does happen all the time. I agree though that you do need to keep on with GAL, working on yourself and so on.
I am not man, even after all this, I still want her back...I guess this week I will post more. It looks like I will be receiving the D papers april 1st, should I sign uncontested and let her get the divorce or contest the D?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Well guys, I did something I think I shouldnt done, and I received a response:
Today I wrote this email to my W :
Hello Leonarda
This is the last time I am writing to you, I need to take all this out of my chest so I will be able to let go.
You left january 9th of 2014, and that day you took your things and you took something without asking me, my heart.
I have been going thrue the most intense pain that I could ever imagine, an impossible one to compare with nothing else before. Long nights of not sleep, losing jobs and a financial situation that putted me in the limits of being homeless.
L You never accepted my love and in the last few years you stopped even accepting me, my solely presence was making you sick. I had never intended to hurt you, not even after I found out how you had emotional affairs, I always keep waiting, waiting for you to be able to see how much pain you were causing to yourself and find a way to be happy. And that day came, you told me that you were happier without me, and God knows how hard that has been for me to accept, I trully accept that.
I kept going to meetings, talking to my therapist and changing myself to become a new me so you could return and be in love with me again. Thats a fight that everybody told me I was going to loose, that no matter what the love of my life left me because she didnt wanna to try.
I have no idea which one are your reasons, and at this point I just wish from the deepest of my heart that you become happy, happiness its inside of you and you are the owner of your feelings, its your responsability to take care of them.
I was able to go thrue al that awful pain, the pain of not having you by me, walking like a zombie and being buried alive inside my body, its been the most awful experience ever, because I thought it was no fair...it was no fair that you abandoned me, even the cats and never looked back, I could not imagine a life without you.
I dont know and I will probably never know why all this, what I did to deserve this pain....but at least and from now on I will not ask myself those questions anymore.
I wish you just asked me to work on this, but I know for sure you are the one who didnt want to work on this, it would it be as simple as that.
I dont know what the future has out there, but I know whatever it is, it will be happiness for me and I know that for sure. I wish you can find that happiness and you search for that inside of you, for me its starting to come because I accept, I accept that you dont want to be with me and that you dont want to be loved by me, it was hard to accept it but now I do.
When you told me the other day that I used you, and that I was just with you to get things, you again broke my heart, I had never done anything like that. I want you to know just in case you start thinking weird things, that I havent sleep with anybody since you left and that I dont know how long it will take. I know you want the Divorce and I accept that completelly, I will give you the papers signed as soon as they come in, if thats what will bring you happiness its fine with me.
And just to finish, I married you for the good and for the bad, because I respect that vow its the reason because I am accepting all this, I just want to think that this is that bad that the vows talk about.
Have a great, great rest of your life.
And this is what she responded:
Dear G:
I'm gonna respond one by one to your points. Even after I spell put why I left the relationship you might still not get it but that's not my business.
you took something without asking me, my heart.I don't want your heart. I'm giving it back to you.
I have been going thrue the most intense pain that I could ever imagine, an impossible one to compare with nothing else before. Long nights of not sleep, losing jobs and a financial situation that putted me in the limits of being homeless.I've had my pain also - mostly the time I was in the relationship with you and you found everything wrong with me. The way you started fights with me almost everyday you had an opportunity. Then you would twist it around and say it was my fault. And I believed you because I had low self esteem at the time and I thought everything was my fault. Something similar to what you are doing now - the inability to take responsibility for your life and just seeking to blame everyone else for your situation. Your financial situation is your responsibility. You made it my responsibility throughout our marriage despite the fact that you were the "man" in the relationship. I gave you $1500 to fix your car and when I asked for help, $100, to fix my tooth you got enraged and fought with me but you didn't admit that you were angry about giving me money, no you said you were angry because of how I had asked you. This was also a classic move on your part; you would get angry about something totally illegitimate, you knew it was illegitimate and then you would pretend it was for a different reason against which I could not defend myself. On top of that, you would often accuse me of being "money hungry" when I did ask for your help when you were earning way more than me even after I had supported you, helped you get your career, and again gave you another $1000 to replace your stolen camera equipment. Oh I forgot I owed you that $1,000 bc it was my fault your equipment and my computer got stolen; not yours for taking your equipment out, for leaving it in the car, or for not having insurance on it. At least that's what you told me.
You will never have a minimal idea of how much I loved you. Maybe that's true but I've opened my eyes; I don't call what we had love anymore. I call it codependency. It's also interesting how all of this "love" only comes out now again when you need me for something - your papers. You don't care what it costs me to stay married to someone each day that I no longer want. Again you only consider what you want and need, even if that means having me in your life when I am not happy and I have not been happy since you did not come to my show. But I will talk about that more later.
Thats a fight that everybody told me I was going to loose,This is true. Give up. The day I left you was the day I was set free and I realized how imprisoned I had felt being with you. Why? Keep reading.
I have no idea which one are your reasons, You don't? Interesting you had a really good idea at our last couples session but let me spell them put for you right now so you have a clear idea now and never have to wonder again. 1.) You never trusted me. From day 1, you looked through my phone for text messages, some sign that I was cheating on you. I should have walked away them but I was fragile and I needed your love more than I needed my self-respect. I can happily say that's changed. Even now you are delusional and accuse me of emotionally cheating on you. Why? Because I was friends with men, because I pursued my career - THTS emotionally cheating on you?
2.) You put me down and tried to keep me from growing. Remember when I went to LA to train? Did you support me? No, you were selfish then like you are being now. You didn't care what I needed to succeed just what you needed to feel secure. Remember whenever I tried to act? You'd fight with me and make me feel sorry for you by telling me how I was gonna leave you for someone else when I became famous. Remember when I produced a play last year and I was under crazy stress because I had to fundraise $10,000, learn 2 hours of dialogue, and give one of the toughest performances of my life? You remember what you did? You had to find a way to make it harder for me; you fought with me throughout that production, accused me of cheating on you and could not even bring yourself to see one performance that I had poured my heart into. You know what you said? You said you couldn't bear to see me kissing another man. You couldn't get over your selfish, childish feelings and show up like a man when I needed you. This is when I began to wonder what am I even doing with you? If you can't be there for me when I most needed you and you only try to make my life harder at the time I need you most, why would I want you in my life. I also realized that you were jealous; but not of the fact that I had to kiss another man but of the fact that I was an actress; that I would be the center of attention for one night when I performed and you couldn't handle that because you were so insecure; you always needed to be the center of attention in the couple.
Contrast this with how I was when you needed support. Working at quiksilver and you want to be a manager: I supported you and told you you could do it. Quiksilver didn't work and you wanted to be a photographer: I supported you and said you could do it and even said I will take care of the bills for almost 1 whole year. Headshot photographer: I was your assistant and paid for your flyers and business cards that you never put up. Wedding photography: I supported you and was your assistant on the job; came with you to the wedding which would be the equivalent of coming with me to my performance. Papparazzi: I would come to jobs with you and help you as best I could. Papparazzi business: once again I came in to help you run your business.
After all of this you could not bear to come to 1 performance of mine even after all the ways I showed you I was there for you. So interesting how much you loved me.
3.) Your anger and arrogance. You fought with me every opportunity you could; my things, my friends, my interests were never as good as yours and therefore didn't deserve your attention. You have no idea how stressful this was for me. Always fighting with you and thinking it was my fault even after I had not done anything. I saw this so clearly the day we came back from my family and the minute I got in the car, you found something to criticize me about and fight with me for.
it was no fair that you abandoned me, I'm not your mother. I can't abandon you as I'm not responsible for your well being. I left the relationship as it was toxic and abusive for me.
the catsDon't mention them to me. You know how much Merlin meant to me. I miss them everyday but I couldn't take them where I was going.
When you told me the other day that I used you, and that I was just with you to get things, you again broke my heart, I had never done anything like that.From where I'm standing, it doesn't look like that. Even now you say to me that I'm trying to ruin your life because I won't sacrifice my happiness for another minute to not sign the divorce papers. You minimize my value and the things that are important to me bc they are not important to you. You getting your papers is more important to you than me having self-value and not let myself be used by someone. Bc let's get this clear, all you are doing is using me to get your papers at this point. You are not asking me to stay married to try to work it out (which there is no chance of) but so you can get something out of it. Did you ever ask yourself what I would get out of it to wait? No, because that doesn't concern you. I do not concern you. By the way, the only reason you even have a chance of being in this country legally is bc of me; bc I fell in love with you and married you. What the hell makes you think I owe you anything more? Your arrogance that you think you can demand this of me and try to make me feel guilty because of your life is unbelievable but it explains why I am not with you. All I can say in regards to your righteous anger that I won't sacrifice my life and my happiness for you to have your papers is: how dare you??
I havent sleep with anybody since you leftThis is none of my business. You are a free man. Do what you want.
Oh and the part that I never tried? Excuse me? I went to therapy for two years just talking about our relationship trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, how I could be a better person for you, how I could get over my past but I failed to realize one thing: I couldn't do your part also. And this was my part, I never felt like you would change or put the effort in for our relationship and I thought I could do the work for both of us. I asked you to go to couples therapy for years - you declined. I asked you to go to your own therapy - you declined and only went when I was gonna leave you. Then stopped going as soon as you felt like you had me again. So please ask yourself who did not work on the relationship.
I recognize that I am not a victim here. You did all this stuff to me because I let you; I believed I wasn't worth more - I believed it was my job to take care of you and neglect myself. It was easier for me to hide in you than face my acting career and face my fears about whether or not I could do it. That's why I put up with you not supporting it - bc I didn't really think I could and I sided with you.
But then the day came that I didn't. That I changed and what you had to offer wasn't enough anymore. And hiding from myself and not believing wasn't enough. And I knew if I stayed with you for one more moment, I would lose myself forever. I thank God everyday that I had the courage to leave and to choose myself over you. I stick by that choice today and everyday. I am taking care and recovering from my tendency to take care of other people, which is my part, but you took advantage of that, and that's your part. I can't do anything about your part; I can only do something about mine. I choose myself today.
Goodbye G. I hope you find the recovery and healing you need. But for today, you, your life, your immigration status, who you sleep with or don't sleep with, whether you get better or not is out of my business. My only concern is me and my life.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Now I am debating myself if I should answer her back or not...what she said on her email its right, but I never knew she felt like that...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Now I feel awful, I had no idea that I had acted like that
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Maybe your W is possessed, ye. Better to GAL and work on you.