Why do you say you have to "balance this"? If it's working, and it seems to be giving her second thoughts, (Which is great) then keep at it. Is it really that hard to be nice to her? I mean, where is it "costing" you?
Also, I didn't know you were being coached by Chuck. I would NEVER tell you to Not do what a DB coach says to do. They have all the facts; we don't.
If you are mixing approaches, why bother with a coach? If you have a coach, follow their advice. I had a DB coach and her words always always helped. She was a Godsend.
I hope you'll stick with what Chuck says, b/c the coaches are very good at this, better than just cherry picking advice.
The "rules" for newbies are guidelines and are really meant for those who don't have a coach, and are more in line with "until you get better help, this is a GUIDE"....but you DO have better help, i.e. Chuck.
I'm really glad you have him. You want your w to doubt herself.
Also I found that if my h revised the marriage a LOT, which he did, but if there was ANY truth to it and he'd been hurt, I had say things like "H, I'm sorry that hurt you. If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently".
and if he said something I could swear was a lie or just did not happen the way he said, I'd say "Wow, h I sure don't remember it that way but I'm sorry if you were hurt. IF I had it to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently"..
Neither approach escalates and both statements show change on OUR end.
The WAS has to know WE are working on ourselves b/c the only way they will return to the marriage,
is IF they believe marriage to us can be better/different than before.
It's up to us to SHOW that, with actions not words.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
