Help!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Beersha, you asked a few posts ago why he can't "man up" and leave but in a different way. Or words to that effect.

So my question is, what is he NOT doing now, that you'd need him to do, to be sure of what HE wants? Meaning, isn't he being pretty clear?

I know it stinks big time, but from where I sit, he seems resolute, as many WAH's are at this time. Doesn't mean he won't change his mind, later on...but for now I see a lot of clarity on his end.

So the question is, what do YOU want, given the realities of the situation?

Thanks 25.
I really feel bad today, like just giving up.
I totally messed up yesterday, I completely lost it at him. I was politely trying to ask him about the car the day before. I needed it for one of our children, and he just ignored me. He sat there and just straight up lied to my face.


Well, which is it? He ignored your or he lied? How do you know?


He put himself before the health and needs of our children. I guess I saw red.

I'm confident he does NOT see his behavior then, ^^ as putting himself ahead of their health or needs. I'd bet a lot of money that he sees this very differently and may even blame you for 'over reacting", "vilifying him", etc.


I said all the things I've held in the past little while. Told him about the stark financial reality the children and I will face. As usual he said nothing, at first. Then he says he didn't know why he is doing this, he doesn't know why he feels this way. But his life isn't exactly going to be great now either.

in other words, HE IS IN PAIN...and your reaction was to completely blame him for that. Hey, you know this was a chance to LISTEN for information FROM him, and not to pounce.

But you're hurt and angry, and I understand that the pain you're in is not likely to bring out the best in you. (But the same applies to him). Go easy on yourself, but learn from this...and change the next interaction you have.


Uh hello - your choices????!!!!! I got more of the 'get a full time job - give up your career (because it's shift work) and get a normal job'


is there any validity to his concerns here? ^^ Seems to me your shift work probably hindered the bonding a couple can do that helps. Plus, most marriages report the lowest satisfaction levels in the first years after the birth of their 2nd or 3rd child. It's the most demanding period in their lives, unrelenting too, and it's even more important to make time for the couple.

So I think changing your shift work is probably not a bad idea at all. Why not do it? Do you love your job? Besides, if nothing changes on your end, why would your h come home?

Remember this:

No WAS comes back to their marriage, unless they believe that

marriage to their spouse can be better/different, than before...

It's the LBS job to SHOW (not say) that it can be! What are you doing to show that?


And then he threatened me with a restraining order. When I says what are you talking about, he said I know you've seen my emails on the computer, and you are so pathetic falling for a fake restaurant booking. I was astounded. Yeah I m not proud of leaving his email logged on. Or going past that restaurant. But he set me up? Why?

I'm not very clear on this^^. So, You snooped and also followed him around? OR it looks that way, IS that correct?

So I assume the restraining order would apply between you and him, NOT you and the kids, correct? And can YOU SEE how he might have a point? A court might agree with his assessment and it is definitely not benefitting you to behave this way. Do you see that?

To make me out to be a crazy woman? To take my kids away?

I don't think it has anything to do with the kids, it's to keep you away from HIM.
But I'm not sure how that would work if he were at the house...


He hasn't made any efforts regarding them in the past 3 months. He is do full of hate and anger.

Have you documented his visits/calls to the kids? It might be a good idea. Also, stop reading so much emotion into his words or actions. If he does not SAY he hates you, then don't assume things that hurt you. Besides, even if he did say that, it wouldn't make it true OR unchangeable.

It's just so much to take. Why does he want to destroy me ? It really feels like that is what he wants.

I'm sure he does not want to destroy you. STOP seeing what is NOT there. It makes it worse for all of you, especially for you.

I know it was a massive backslide. I know that. And I will start again today. I'm just not sure if I want to anymore.

It's a fair question to ask yourself. Be realistic for 2 minutes. IF he were to say "oh, sorry about all that. Let's reconcile."

What would you require of you as a couple, BEFORE reconciling, OR would you simply move in together and pick up where you left off? Would YOU seek counseling for yourself too? OR just him, just you two, or neither? Be as frank as you can be, b/c it's the only way to assess the likelihood of success later on...

Be clear about what you'd need from him for forward movement. Going "From this day forward" is not complicated, but it's very hard, and yet it's mandatory to a true reconciliation.

The reality MIGHT be, that you won't be able to get past this, ever...

IF that ^^ is the case, if you don't believe you could ever get past this,

(& many many of us could not get past it. The worst choice you can make in that case, is staying together AND staying miserable), it'd be good to know sooner rather than later.