We're getting a D in slow motion. My H gave me a separation agreement and I didn't sign it or do anything with it since Nov 2012. I'm now plugging in the new numbers to try to figure out what to ask for in a counter proposal, but it's like standing in the ocean getting knocked down by waves, I get my feet under me and feel good about working on it and then I'm drowning again. Fortunately or not, he's not bugging me about it.
I'll probably be the one to file for divorce, because I'm ready to put this all behind me and move on. We haven't been effectively married for years - he withdrew from me prior to 2011, moved out in 2012, there's been not one tiny bit of interest in staying together on his part, so now it's just money and paperwork. I'm ok with moving forward, although I'm sad and sometimes resentful about who he turned out to be.
H feels welcome to come when he pleases, and for the good of the kids I support that. He only pleases to come about every 3 or 4 weeks. He gives little notice, and the boys are busy with their teenage stuff so they ignore him. It's not ideal, but I've been told, and feel it makes sense, that he and they need to figure out how to have a relationship without my opinions.
I guess putting the mail outside seems needlessly antagonistic to me. We have a mailbox on the front porch that we used to use for scout stuff when I was a scout leader, that I could put his stuff in. In all likelihood, he'd get it and come in anyway to play with the dogs because he knows the key-code. I don't really want to make it more painful for him to come around here, because I think seeing that he's still alive is good for the boys.
I just think an adult male should have an address.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I just think an adult male should have an address.
LOL, apparently he thinks it's yours! For the record, I had this problem for awhile too. It disappeared when the filing took place and he started to make definitive steps to make that break. Maybe your H is a slow one too... although we both had lengthy separations that were pretty much "DUH" things to everyone else, they just aren't ready to admit it?
Dunno, but good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I would right his forwarding address on the mail or write "Not at this Address.". That would get him moving. While I fully agree that your kids relationship with him is between them, I don't believe he should come and go as he pleases. I would change the door code and at least set times when he can be there. If he balks it is easy to say, you wanted this and this is the way it will be when we are divorced.
I will say since I am divorced, I do accomadate him changing a day now and then. Really this is for the kids as long as it doesn't mess up what I already have going on. He has tried to mess up my holiday time and I do put my foot down. Don't let him dictate your life to you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I've thought about asking H to come over more frequently and on a predictable basis, which I could use to request the kids show up and have a meal with him. So far I haven't done that because I have stepped back from the thankless role I had in our marriage of managing everyone's feelings and relationships. It wasn't healthy of me, and it masked the fact that H was emotionally withholding and withdrawn. So "it's not my job" has become my post-separation, post-counseling mantra.
If H can't figure out that attempting to see his kids with some advance notice and a tiny bit of care that they show up, that is who he is and we all need to get used to it. Right?
The kids seem to feel no pressure to drop their plans, at least in the current non-arrangement. I have all of their events, appointments, and activities on a shared calendar.
He asked if they could go to a hockey game in Pittsburgh in a few weeks, via text to them, and they didn't respond so he asked me about it. S16 had a tournament, that was on the calendar, that is mandatory so he can't go. S14 would rather pull his own fingernails out than attend a sporting event of any kind, so I asked him to reply to his dad, which he did via text, no thanks.
H is staying at the house for me so I can go on a girls weekend at the beach next weekend. He stayed here for a week in February during my business trip. Same for two nights in October. Things like that are the most parenting I think he's doing these days.
The paperwork and filing and stuff don't feel tough to me, I just don't want to sit and spend time on the financials. Emotionally it doesn't seem to bother me, but when I get started I build anxiety about it being too complicated and time-consuming, so I avoid it. I'd rather do just about anything else, and my to-do list is sky high. Maybe there are some feelings under all that, but I spent an hour on it with my IC and just couldn't feel anything but avoidance. I'm accepting that we're getting divorced, I'm enthusiastic about my present and future life, I LOVE having only positive influences in my life (no one is mean to me anymore), I'm confident that I can be poor successfully... but I just avoid this task. I dunno. It will feel SO GOOD to get it behind me.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The paperwork and filing and stuff don't feel tough to me, I just don't want to sit and spend time on the financials. Emotionally it doesn't seem to bother me, but when I get started I build anxiety about it being too complicated and time-consuming, so I avoid it. I'd rather do just about anything else, and my to-do list is sky high.
Procrastination comes in various forms: fear, avoiding the yucky stuff or downright dislike for the task at hand. Take your pick, Ad. Like eating an elephant, it takes a bite at a time.
I'm a master procrastinator, I have nothing hanging over this causing it to be immediately necessary, and I have a history of my brain blocking me from understanding that I have feelings that are painful. I literally do not even know they're there. So that might be going on too, even though I've been trying to find them. Just feels blank...blank and avoidant.
It's really not a very big deal, I keep telling myself. Anyway, I did a little bit this week and then gave a serious chunk of time to job applications. I hope to be spending some of next week in interviews.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hmm. Getting psyched to watch a local high school do Les Mis this weekend, I pulled out the piano music and sang I dreamed a dream and noticed next to the sheet music a photo of my smiling young husband holding my 18 month old now-16yo boy, and just.lost.it.
So I guess I'm sad.
Gonna hit the cardio.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I just think an adult male should have an address.
Haha, I laughed at this. My H’s mail was coming to my house until December. A lot of it is still coming here, including his Playboy magazine. He rented a PO box in the border town in December, where I assume he is receiving some of his mail that he doesn’t want me to see, like his Viagra pills. He can check his PO box periodically while he is living in the vacation home. But he will not be able to do it when he has to go to work in a couple of months to another state. So, he will not have an address again. Or, he will have another temporary one. What a life for a grown up man.
Adinva, I haven’t checked your threads for a while. I didn’t know that you moved to this forum. I will catch up.
I can admit that I’m a procrastinator too. H hasn’t filed and I’m not going to do it for him right now. It could change in the future.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Oh lord, if Playboy and Viagra were being delivered to my house for H I would be through the roof! And throwing it in the trash. But I'm sure he has figured out a different address for anything like that.
Good to hear from you, BF.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
For the record, I had this problem for awhile too. It disappeared when the filing took place and he started to make definitive steps to make that break. Maybe your H is a slow one too... although we both had lengthy separations that were pretty much "DUH" things to everyone else, they just aren't ready to admit it?